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Stopping myself from getting into relationships

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by SimpleProspects, Jan 6, 2016.

  1. SimpleProspects

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    So I'll start by saying that I've had incredibly bad luck with relationships in the past. My first "relationship" lasted a week and was with a guy who was interested in another girl, before, during, and after the fact. The next was ended by me after I convinced myself I wasn't the girl he was looking for. The next became dormant for a long time until I finally ended it with her. The fourth I suppose wasn't existent as I believed he was interested, even asking him to prom (which he accepted), but then he suddenly started dating another girl and things just completely dropped between us without any word.The fifth was the closest thing I've had to a stagnant relationship before, where I fell head over heels for my best friend. Either I came on too strong, she was still figuring her own identity and sexuality out, or a combination of both. She ended the relationship after a few months of curious banter. We're still incredibly close, thankfully, but that was the end of that romantic relationship.

    I'm 18, in college, and have had a few crushes, but have completely failed to go farther than that. I've never dated, never been intimate beyond a small kiss or two, and now just kind of battle with myself over this whole situation. I go back and forth daily between complete apathy at the thought of a relationships and an intense desire to completely love another person. It's rather similar to how I tend to be in relationships; caught between the extremes of diving deep into love and holding everything back for as long as possible. I am definitely more into girls, but the girls I like are either straight, taken, or not interested. I get nervous when people tell me they like me and will overthink everything until it no longer is possible for me to commit to them. And I have no clue where to look for people I might be able to connect with.

    In any case, I've started to become aware of some toxic thoughts that go through my head as I spend more and more time trying to figure out a solution. I'll think "there's someone better out there for them" if I like someone, or even if someone likes me (which I rarely pick up on, if ever, and have never been blatantly told). I tell others "I can't date people properly" when asked why I'm single. I shut down every bit of interest I have in anyone with "They're probably taken, or don't swing that way, or aren't interested. Leave the relationship as it is and don't go for it."

    I'm just hurting myself, and I know it, but I can't stop my thoughts. I'm resigning myself to complete solitude because I don't know how I can possibly forge a relationship when I keep picking every potential thing apart from the beginning to the inevitable end, no matter how far along that may be.

    I want to love someone so badly that the conflict I feel whenever I am interested in someone causes me to feel physically sick. I want to find someone, but I won't let myself commit. I can't let myself trust someone to see me at my worst, and I can't relax in simply liking someone when there is a huge chance of failure and a smaller chance that opening up to them is the outcome.

    In short; I'm an absolute wreck about this whole thing. My mind won't shut up, my mouth won't convey what my thoughts are, and instead of taking action to fix any of this I'm letting myself be apathetic when I know I don't want to be.

    If nothing else, I need to find a place to start, because I've no idea. Google, for once, doesn't have these specific answers, and I honestly don't know if I'm making any sense here. I just need a tiny bit of guidance or some sort of explanation.

    Also, I'm sorry if this sounds incredibly melodramatic. It's six in the morning, I haven't slept, and my mind is working overdrive. This is just a mishmash of my thoughts.

    If you made it down here, thank you for reading. I hope you can offer some advice or support.
     
  2. goldendragon

    Regular Member

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    What you were saying before about how in your past relationship, the guy fell for a girl--unfortunately, that is common with some men. What may happen there is that he is interested more in sex than you are; what is referred to as high libido in some men. I researched this before on why people cheat. I wanted to know the psychology behind it. I'm not saying that's exactly it, but it's a possibility for inflection.

    The same could apply to the guy whom went to the prom with you.

    Concerning your best friend, I made the mistake once of befriending a gay guy, only to find out that he just wanted to have someone to listen to. I only started asking for a relationship after months and he felt uncomfortable. I apologized and asked for forgiveness and he did so, thankfully. I'm just saying I know where your coming from on that.

    If you ask me, all this stuff you experience after that we mentioned, are relationships where you are heavily driven in your thoughts. There is a "New Age" axiom that states thoughts create our reality and I believe it is true, to an extent. If you stay in those past thoughts, you loose the relationship. I'd love to know your thoughts if you feel that is true.

    There are different ways of dealing with it, which is to change your thought patterns through daily meditation, hypnosis/hypnotherapy, or just coping with it with clinical therapy. If you want change, I recommend the first two I mentioned.

    So, all in all. you basically need to replace those thoughts with positive ones. This is just one person's experience and opinion. Take with it what you will! I hope you find your answer.