First same-sex crush at the age of 30

I have always considered myself as straight, I have never paid attention or feel any sexual attraction towards girls. I have always seen my friends got naked, we touches each other when we play around, but I do not feel anything at all, but suddenly everything change after meeting this girl.

My sister is a lesbian, so I hung out with her friends a lot, and I have just known this girl (K) and her gf (S) through my sister for just a few weeks, at first, I just thought of K as a little sister, she is younger than me for 6 years, and she acts totally like a kid that like to be spoiled by me. She always does a lot of cute gestures and expressions with me just like she always does in front of her gf, I loves to rub her head and pinch her cheek for being so cute. In front of others, I can see that she acts more like of a strong girl (tomboy), but to me, she totally let down her strong personality, and act more like her age.

She is deeply in love with his gf, and both of them are really nice and cute. K talks to me a lot about her relationship and asks for my advices. She is very shy around stranger, but she says she is so comfortable around me, after just hung out with me only 2-3 times, she tells me things that she does not even say to her gf. Even my sister said she talks with me so much; a little bit weird for her shy personality. I have just realized that I paid attention to her more than I should, but I still think maybe because I like her as a younger sister, since my sister is like a guy when she was very young, so I would like to have a cute sister who will act cutely and lovely toward me.

I have lived all of my life as a straight girl so I am very innocent in joking around with them, since they also know that I am straight, they are very comfortable with me hugging them. I act like that toward everybody, even with my best friends.

Last weekend, S went back to her hometown for 2 days, we hung out at their place to watch horror movie. My sister and her gf were drunk so they slept first on the floor, K and I lied near each other on the bed to watch movie together, we both are scare of horror movie so we sticked very closed to each other but we were not hugging, we just hold each other arm when we startled, we had so much fun. We decided to go to sleep and each of us lied at the two corners of the bed (king size).

Next morning, both of us was woken up by the text from S, after K checked her phone, we looked at each other for a few second, then I turned my back to K and ready to sleep again, then K just suddenly jump to my side and hugged me from behind. I thought that maybe she had not fully woken yet (we only slept for 3 hours) and mistook me as S (S is chubby while I am skinny), I turned around and looked at K, and I saw she looked at me too but because we hug each other all the time so I did not think of anything, but then she started to touch me sexually, I began to panic. I turned around and shake her shoulder and said "K...., wake up, it is me, not S..." then she got embarrassed and jumped to the other side and said please don't say anything to S. I felt that if I continue to keep quiet, we will be very awkward when we meet each other again, so I said it is no big deal and I hugged K from behind. After that we went back to sleep at the 2 corners of the bed, but of course I could not fall back to sleep anymore.

When K woke up the second time, I talked to her when I got a chance, I joked and said if she missed S so much that she mistook me as her gf or maybe it is a habit, she said no, she has never touched S that way when they just woke up, and she said she did not know what came over her to make her do that, she said sorry. She is so honest that she makes me surprised and I said I thought nothing of it. And we decided to watch movie again, this time she hold my hands. When S came back, K ran out to hugged S and flirted with S. I said you guys have fun, I wanted to finish the movie, K followed me, lied next to me and hold on my shoulder in front of S. I feel so awkward and guilty, so I stood up and walked out of the bedroom with the excuse to let S rest. I heard K is the type of guy that like to be alone with her gf, but she asked me and my sister to stay back for one more night, we turned down the offer though.

We are back to normal now, but at the same time, I realized that I have a crush on her for a while without knowing it. Now everything makes sense to me, when she touches me, I feel so intense, when she pays attention to me, I feel so happy and I feel lonely when she flirt with S. I always talk about K to my best friend, and ask my sister about K. I can control myself when I am sober, but when I got drunk I always hug her and try to get closer to her, of course, I do that to others too, since I don't want to cause any trouble. I want to kiss her, hug her and want her for myself.

I just feel so confused with K's attitude, after that incident, I saw she looks at me more, like when others tell jokes, she will turn around to look at me and my reaction. I try to ignore everything, and detach myself from K, it is hard but S is my sister's good friend, and I like S a lot too. I know they are very deeply in love, they can never be away from each other. They even planned for their future, they are so lovey-dovey, and always flirt/kiss each other no matter where, they are in their own world.

I heard that when K's ex-gf dumped him, she still wait for her ex and love her ex for more than 1 year, when her ex dating around with a lot of people.

We have never text or chat with each other, we do not even add each other on facebook, she and her gf are very closed that they will check each other phone. Why did she do those stuffs to me? If nothing happen that night, I will not realize my feeling, will not feel confused with everything now, and will not feel so sad every time I saw them together.

Can you please explain to me her action? Does she feel lonely without her gf , and tried to use me as her replacement? Or does she mistake of me as her ex-gf? Her ex is taller than me, but we almost have the same hair length and we are both skinny.

Am I just curious or I am bisexual? I love to look at girl breast, long legs, but I think every girl will like to look at big breast/ long legs, sth that they don't have. I watch lesbian porn before, but I am not interested, however, I wish to kiss K, make out with her, and even have sex with her. I am so confused now, I feel so intense when she touched me that night, the feeling is still with me until now, and I wish to experience it again. What is wrong with me? Is it because I am curious because I am so lonely? However, I only think about her.

 

First of all, thanks for your advices. I am so desperate for answer.

About my feeling, I feel so sad and have no energy to enjoy myself when hanging out with my friends when I cannot see her for a while (she came back to her hometown for 1 week). I cannot get her out of my mind, sometimes I think that maybe because I think about it way too much, maybe everything is just in my mind, instead of in my heart, so I try to focus on some guys to forget about her, but I cannot, I feel like I am trying to lie to myself.

Then I hope that, maybe after seeing her, I will feel nothing at all but when I saw her again today, I feel like crying when I see how lovey they are together. I feel so sad, but I try to laugh and act like normal, it is hard but I manage it, I am so happy, since I have never wanted to be the third person.

If you ask me why do I like her, I just don't know, it is just that I know that she is special to me, she is just so precious that I feel like taking care of her health and her mind. When I saw her feel tired, I wish to be the one to take care of her. I want to be the one she looks at, the one she loves and care of, I want her to depend on me when she has trouble in her life. I even kissed another girl to test myself, to see if I like girl in general or only K as a special one. I didn't feel disgusting, but I have no feeling at all.

I have considered telling her my feeling and asked if I can kiss her, maybe then I will realize that I have no feeling for her at all, maybe everything is just a mistake, but I can't do that to her gf, it is not fair for S, she is so cute and trust me way too much. I don't have the heart to do that to S.

Sometimes I have the feeling that K like me or maybe consider me as a person she may fall in love with, but she has already fallen in love with S. However, sometimes I feel that I can never be anything more than just an older sister.

I will not do anything... I will get over this crush... I hope that one day, I will be ok staying by herself, as a friend and as an older sister, who she can give her advice for her problem. I wish to be useful for her in any way.

If she look at me as just a sister, why did she touch me in a sexual way? If that night I did not stopped her, what would happen? I wish everything turn back to before when I have not realize my feeling, maybe I would be happier that way, and I can innocent joking around with them even if I feel lonely when K does not pay attention to me. How I wish everything turn back to normal again.