This is a bit of an awkward topic I suppose, but I feel like it might be somehow unhealthy or something. I find myself generally more attracted to men who are in there late 30s and early 40s than I am men who are closer to my age. I know a lot of people feel this way, but I kind of get the feeling that I shouldn't feel like that at 16. I still like some younger men, but usually they have to be extremely attractive for me to like them sexually. Does anybody know why I might feel like this? Is it even a problem, or am I just overreacting? Just kinda been on my mind for a while and want to know if there's something wrong with it.
Hello, It'll only become a legal problem if you act on it. I'm from the UK, so I'm not sure if it's different where you are, but it's illegal for an adult to be in a relationship [sex or not] with a child/teenager [legal for sex or not].
Do you feel like they're hot or attractive merely by appearance? Or doesn't that extend to their mannerisms et al? Also do you feel like having a relationship with them, either platonic or sexual?
I feel like it has to do with appearance and mannerism. I would like to be in some sort of sexual relationship with an older guy, but I obviously can't until I'm 18 anyway. I also feel like it's got to do a little bit with having an older male figure in my life. My real dad left when I was fairly young, and my adopted dad didn't come into my life until I was quite a bit older and I never really felt like he could really fill that position in my life. I don't know that that is necessarily part of the reason why I find older men attractive, but I feel like that might be part of the reason I want to be in a relationship with someone older then me. I don't really know to be honest.
Hi, when I first read this, I didn't want to bring up daddy issues, but now that you mentioned it, it may be part of the reason. However, it's not important now. A relationship with a much older guy (when you're of legal age that is) is unhealthy when you two are in different stages in life. Since you are still pretty young and your hormones must be going crazy, I wouldn't worry too much about it now, just don't act on it. Don't get talked into any relationship with a much older guy. I can sort of relate to you, but I'm a bit older so the age gap isn't as great (and it's late 20s, early 30s for me). I think it's pretty normal to prefer maturity in a guy. Guys around your age and even into early 20s can seem immature, but as you grow older, the age gap will be closer, not to mention your peers will also grow older, and you'll see more people around your age that tick your boxes.
I would urge you to think carefully before pursuing a relationship with an older man. I don't wish to appear unkind or critical, but the reasons you are offering for dating much older men are not good or healthy. You said: It sounds like you have a longing (of sorts) for a father figure; a mature male figure who will bring love, strength and stability into your life and as reasonable as that is, it's not reasonable to expect your boyfriend/partner to fill that role. Introducing that sort of dynamic into a relationship will almost always end badly for the younger person. I know some people will say age doesn't matter, but it really does matter a lot when you have someone in their late teens or early 20's dating a person who is significantly older. From the outset there are multiple issues to confront and overcome - issues that are much less significant when someone is older. This isn't just a matter of opinion, but a matter of fact. All too often a young person enters into an age gap relationship hoping for good things and ends up coming away from it feeling more hurt and damaged by the experience. We can't simply ignore that or point to a narrow set of examples and say it doesn't matter. At this stage in your life it would be better to focus on relationships with people who are the same age, because even a couple of years can make a difference when you are very young. If the thought of dating someone of your own age doesn't appeal to you right now, be prepared to wait a while. Don't go looking for an older man who appears mature, but may actually have plenty of issues of his own.
It's almost certain that at some level you're unconsciously seeking the connection to a father figure you never had. This is unfortunately really common with gay adolescents and young adults, either because they had no healthy male role model, or because the father figure had difficulty connecting with his son. Understanding the cause is only part of the issue; consciously you can say "well, I understand this and so now I can fix it" but it doesn't work that way. The unconscious self is seeking approval and validation and love from older fatherly-like figures... and that gets filtered through the conscious so that you mistake romantic love for the misplaced desire for a parental figure. Couple that with the fact that healthy older guys are not interested in a relationship with someone young enough to be their child... and you can see why this is a pretty disastrous match. The problem with older men who go after younger guys is that nearly always it's out of a misplaced desire for control, caretaking, or both. Neither is healthy, and is usually really harmful to the developing sense of self-esteem and independence of the younger person. Unfortunately, most younger people don't figure this out until they've had three or four (or more) abusive relationships with older men. Part of the process for changing this is talking about it. The more you share what you're feeling, discuss it, and think about it logically, the more that starts to seep into the unconscious, which is where the real change starts to happen. Therapy can be a big help, but if that isn't an option at present, a good second choice is discussing it as much as you can either with one of our advisor team, with friends you trust in person, here on EC, or all three. Edit: Ninja'd by Patrick. I agree with his thoughts as well.
I still find men way older than me attractive, but after a handful of encounters, I realize that a loving romantic relationship is not possible with these type of men (at least for me). I guess it's fine if it stays as a fantasy, but sooner or later you'll realize that it might not work. I don't want to shut you down, because I think many of us may have to go through this to realize the reality of it. I'm seeing a guy right now for 2 months now and he's a year older than me. Things are going great, and we relate on so many levels. We can also help each other grow and learn from each other which is awesome for me. When I came out 2 years ago, I was a very vulnerable person: I was still conscious about how people viewed me and uncomfortable with my sexuality. Now? I've come out to so many people, and learned to accept myself for who I am. Becoming a lifeguard at a Waterpark has allowed me to grow and take things slow. So while age is a number, every year can prove to be different for everyone.
