I get in these moods.

Hi there lovetoomuch I can hear you are feeling confused about your thoughts. I have depression and I can relate to those thoughts that just keep coming and coming with hatred for no real reason. One thing that you could do is something called a thought record. If you google it there might be a better explanation but basically what it is, is a sheet of paper where you write down your thoughts and challenge them to prove them wrong. Ill see if i can find one and post it. Found one All About Depression: Online Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Workshop So try that and see if it helps at all.Does that all make sense?

I know you dont need me to tell you this because im sure you know already and you have stopped but googling that isnt healthy. I did something similar but because i kept doing it the thoughts got stronger. It might not happen with you im just saying its not a healthy thing to do.

I think thoughts are like that are called intrusive thoughts or at least something like it. I know that intrusive thoughts are just weird random thoughts that make no sense and arent based in fact at all like if you are driving and think i wonder what would happen if i swerved into that tree, or on top of a building and wondering about jumping off, your thoughts could be like that. These thoughts are based in facts though they are just random thoughts that like i said dont make sense and arent based in fact, when you have them remind yourself that just because you are thinking it, it doesnt mean its true and in the case of intrusive thoughts that they dont need to be acted on but that doesnt really help you. So basically thoughts are weird and sometimes not true.

You said that when you are in that mood you feel depressed and sounds like you may lack motivation or feel apathetic (Im not saying this as a bad thing btw if im wrong correct me). How long have you had these moods for? You mentioned that it happened a lot two years ago and that you felt suicidal. Do you still feel suicidal? Im asking because im worried. If this is something that is really worrying you which is seems like it is maybe talking to a doctor or a psychologist would be helpful.

You said you thought the mood would go away after you came out to your parents. Maybe your brain is so used to thinking like that it still hasnt gotten used to being out to your parents yet and it just taking time to change.

You said you dont know the cause but you do have some ideas which is good and shows that you are working towards getting rid of these random thoughts. Another possible cause is just nothing sometimes people just feel like that for no real reason but usally other things contribute to it as well.

Ok they could have caused it or they might not have but if you bought them up as causes im guessing that you see them as bad things? Maybe you could work on these things and see how the thoughts go if they continue or go away. What might help is to write down a few solutions to each of the causes and work through them. I will just say a few things though. There is nothing wrong with not going out much as long as you still have a support network aka a group of friends, or even just one really good friend, or just a group of people who support you like EC. Maybe you dont need to be in a relationship to be happy. Im not saying it wouldnt make you feel better but maybe its ok to be single and ready to mingle when mr right comes along. Maybe its time to find some new friends if you dont really like some of them. Im not saying get rid of them but maybe finding some more. One way to do that would be by joining groups, like community groups or sporting clubs. Ok im not really sure how to help with not liking your appearance because i deal with that as well (*hug*) . Its always hard when you have a crush on someone and they dont like you back (*hug*) I noticed in your signature the little story maybe you should take some of your own advice, that you dont need to be sad if he doesnt like you back, he is the one thats losing someone that loved or at least liked him.

I can really relate to that, from the outside everything looks perfect but on the inside not so much. That just reminded me of a quote by Derren Brown “Each of us is leading a difficult life, and when we meet people we are seeing only a tiny part of the thinnest veneer of their complex, troubled existences. To practice anything other than kindness towards them, to treat them in any way save generously, is to quietly deny their humanity.” somewhat irrelevant but meh. Maybe some distractions would help so that you arent alone with your thoughts a lot of the time. Like when you start to feel down or in a mood watching a tv show you enjoy and makes you laugh.

Habits take time to break dont be so hard on your self give it time. Even if it takes a while it will be worth it. Its really good that you are feeling better than you did and want to change things for the better, hopefully the stuff that i said helps in someway.

I think i mentioned that i had depression somewhere in my massively long reply but if not i did just then. I have felt many of the same things you have including suicidal thoughts. Its really brave of you to come here and talk about them since they are a really hard thing to talk about. Maybe a therapist, specifically a psychologist or even a psychiatrist would be able to help. I will just say i would avoid counselors im not sure how the laws are else where but in Australia at least counselors dont need any qualifications so literally anyone can go out and be one so a psychologist would be a lot better since you know that they will be qualified and are more likely to be able to help in some way. Its ok anytime (*hug*)

 

To my experience persistent depression has it's roots in childhood and youth experiences. If you are unable to pinpoint the cause, I would take a bet that it's your early childhood. This is the likely cause for my own mental issues. Until I compared my family experiences to other people's I never realized that my family was dysfunctional and that my mother had serious mental health issues after I was born. For example, I thought it was perfectly normal that mothers tell their children about all their worries be the financial or emotional. Once I talked to my friends as an adult I realized that their parents never did such a thing.

That is because your sexual orientation and hiding it were not the cause of your problem. The true causes lie somewhere deeper.

My response to most of these points is "why". Why have you never been in a relationship? Why don't you have many friends and why you keep tolerating people you don't really like? Why do you find yourself ugly?

Having strict parents themselves is not a problem. However, often strict parents are also abusive parents (not that they would beat you or shame you necessarily). The fact that you call them strict is a hint to me that perhaps your relationship to your parents has not been very good.

To me it sounds like that you are always at least mildly depressed, am I correct? Sometimes you have episodes of deeper depression but eventually they pass as was the case with your suicidal thoughts. Have you heard about dysthymia? If not, check out this article and try to assess if it applies to you: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysthymia

Finally, I would recommend finding a qualified psychologist or therapist to work with your issues. To me your description sounds serious enough to warrant seeking professional help. (I don't mean you are crazy, just that if you don't know what to do, it's best to find someone who knows these line of work.) Finding a good therapist is not easy and you should do some research on it.

 

Well, as a total outsider it's pretty difficult for me to say anything to the contrary. Just consider this. If your parents didn't really let you out (or bring friends home) and you don't have close friends who you could talk about your family issues, then how do you know your childhood was pretty good?

I thought my childhood was good too. Materially we were doing very well but I didn't have normal emotional connection to my parents. Also, I thought it's normal to be physically disciplined nearly every day for even the slightest of transgression and that it's normal that I didn't always understand why my mom is yelling at me and pulling my hair. That's because they were the only parents I had and the only family experience I ever had. Also, I didn't talk about any of this to my friends as my mom told us not to tell to outsiders anything that happens in our house. It wasn't until college I realized when I talked to a friend about my childhood experiences and he said that I was physically and emotionally abused.

I'm not saying this is necessarily the case. It's just a point how sometimes we assume things although we don't have the perspective.

Your dad indeed sounds like he has control issues. Random yelling is always a big warning sign.

Has anyone called you ugly? Have you been shunned by your peers? I got antibiotics to my acne and they worked reasonably well. I think it was tetracycline based. You could ask from the dermatologist if they could work for you too.

 

Its ok, im glad that you gradually snapped out of it as the day went on. Do you know what happened that made you snap out of it? Were you just doing something else distracting yourself and then at some point realized that they had gone. Thats what usually happens with me at least. Its also ok to have no idea what made you snap out of it some times it just happens but its hard to know exactly what caused it.

Its really good that the thoughts have stopped until yesterday but as you said they went away again. Its also really good that you havent been looking up suicide on google. Im really glad that i helped you and that you will take some of the things i said into consideration.

You're right no one should feel like that and im sorry that you do. (*hug*) Ok after i came out to my parents we didnt mention it for months really, but then it was like one day it just stopped and it was something we could talk about and it wouldnt matter. I guess it just took them time to process it all same as is with your parents. Thats really good that you want to see a psychologist is the thoughts/ moods continue.