I see myself a lot in my brother, he too is gay however he is five or so years older than I am. When he was struggling with his sexuality he was constantly in his room, and when he would come out he would be angry - for no apparent reason. He would start fights with everyone and would always be in a shitty mood. His grades began slipping, he went from getting A's to C's and my mother even thought he was a stoner because of the way he was behaving Now the same thing is happening to me. I am the angriest of people, I hide in my room and find comfort in writing on here or going on sites which can help me... I'm confused and lost... I think I am gay, in fact I know I am gay but I don't know how to deal with it. I wonder how on earth I'll ever come out, I over analyse what my parents reactions will be, in fact what every person I have ever met reactions will be. It scares me. My brother is out yet he never really came out directly. He never told anyone 'I'm gay' besides his friends. My parents assumed for years, then he finished school and started finding himself, made new friends, dressed differently, he was never home (still rarely is) and his relationship with my parents is somewhat non existent. His way of coming out was posting on social media when pride events were on and anywho it is known amongst the whole family, but nobody speaks about it. Nobody asks how his love life is, is a taboo subject. My parents still love him and they speak etc. but it isn't something that is really accepted or celebrated if that makes sense. My mum is more accepting and I know her side of the family would be as she has a gay cousin and gay aunt and they all are close. My dads side is very large and very religious, they come from an ethnic background, he has about 9 sisters, my grandma had them at a young age, so these aunties now have children and some of these children too have children. So as you can imagine the family is huge, however we are not close with many of the aunts only a few. It just terrified me and upsets me thinking about coming out. What upsets me is that if I do come out, will my parents be ashamed of it? Will they try hide this part of me from everyone? Will I still have to hide? I wish my brothers gayness was spoken of and treated as normal Everybody assumes I'm straight still. I've tried dropping hints and clues (very subtle ones) e.g I've started dressing a lot more masculine - not because I associate this with being lesbian, although it is a stereotype, but I feel more comfortable that way. My mum has since asked me why I've begun dressing like this. But what prompted me to write this rant I suppose is because I'm just so angry all the time, I'm turning into my brother who is so distant and detached from family life and I sympathise with him because I understand his pain and hurt. I still feel sorry for him because he had a boyfriend of a year who broke his heart, (we found out because we found is boyfriend things - photos, clothes etc. torn into pieces and hidden in a cupboard. When I found them I cried because I wished I could of known and helped him through the heartbreak. My parents keep asking me why I'm so angry and stubborn and agitated all the time, they think I have anger issues. Really it's because I'm sick of hiding and feeling so oppressed and upset...
We don't have the greatest relationship, he's hardly home and I am afraid if I tell him he wouldn't believe me...
Have you contemplated counseling? Counseling can be an effective way to deal with all of your negative feelings and your counselor could help.
Well, perhaps you could start the conversation with your brother by telling him that you feel your relationship is not the best and that you wish to improve it. That's what I told my estranged sister before telling her about my gay experiences. She is lesbian and initially had hard time believing me. Your brother might be distant because he might thing you don't or wouldn't fully approve him because of his orientation. Addressing that might help. Councilor is also a good option if you can afford it.
I know that anger. You should just come out. Let everyone know who the real you is. Maybe start by talking to your gay aunt or your gay cousin or tell your closest friends. All that anger is building up and you are not happy. Are you having trouble accepting yourself as gay? Are you in denial? These are great times to come out, it is becoming more and more acceptable and even normal for people to understand. So step one, accept yourself, look in your mirror and embrace the fact that you are gay! Step two, tell someone, think of one person you think would understand the most and tell them you are gay! There is no need to rush this, only do this when you are ready. The other thing is you recognize that you are angry so do something about it. Set some time aside to come out of your room and be determined not to be angry. Try baking some cookies with your mom or something like that. Just make it a goal to not be angry, not one angry outburst. You didn't like that question or whatever, just bite your tongue. I happened to be talking to my neighbor one day and told him how I was getting into arguments with my dad all the time and he said "I know I can hear you". I was embarrassed and that was a wake up call for me to try and deal with my anger a little better. If you can't get past this on your own by all means seek some counseling. I hope I helped if even in the smallest way. Good luck and I wish you the best!
Anger is addicting – it’s like a drug. Being angry can feel “good” because it’s better than feelings that may crop up in its absence. Feelings like depression, apathy, sadness, shame, guilt. There’s a ton of energy in anger – and that energy can be really good feeling. It sounds like your anger is stemming from resentment of your brother. You resent how he came to grips with his being gay and you don’t want to go down the same path he did. So the question is: How do you pull the plug on this chronic resentment that is fueling all of the anger? I think the first step you need to take is to acknowledge that this anger isn’t helping you. It’s not going to free you – it’s only going to shackle you. It is going to connect you to your brother, not free you from him. You are using anger because the energy it provides is addicting – but that energy isn’t worth the cost. There are other ways to get energy – namely, by living an authentic and unique life. The next step is to acknowledge that you love your brother, but commit to this truth: You are NOT your brother. You never have been and never will be. You are unique, just as he is. Just because he took one path doesn’t mean you have to follow. You can be on different paths. I think you’ll find that if you can start letting go of anger, life is going to be a lot more fun. You’ll be freeing yourself up emotionally, improving your health physically and mentally, and will be able to move forward from a place of greater self-confidence and power.
I'm not always angry but lately I've been in a lot of pissed off moods. I'm not sure what it is but I think I have some serious issues sometimes.
