Hi empty closets, I am a 25 year old man and I am attracted specifically to men that are 50-70 years old. I have felt this attraction since adolescence. I have tried to force relationships with people my own age, but it never works because I am not physically attracted to them. About half of my friends are my own age, and half of my friends fall into the 50-70 year old age range, both men and women. I understand that there are differences between a 25 year old and a 60 year old, and I am not trying to make the argument that I have an old soul, or I'm somehow special and more mature than all the other 25 year old people out there. I have lived for 25 years. Obviously I am at a different place in my live than a 60 year old, and that is part of what I am attracted to. Ultimately it just comes down to the fact that I am physically attracted to much older men, and I need all aspects (emotional, intellectual, and physical) of a person to match up with what I want for a relationship to work. I cannot date someone that I have absolutely no physical attraction to. It doesn't work for me, and I have tried it. I am in a relationship right now with a man that is 61 years old. We have conversations about the differences between us, and talk about difficult things that are important in order for our relationship to grow. I can research all I want what goes through the mind of a 60 year old, but I can never really know, because I don't have the life experience that he has. We are simply working to communicate well with each other, say what is making us happy, and also, tell each other if, when, and why we are upset. My trouble is not with the relationship itself, but with the fact that our relationship is socially unacceptable. We live in a city that has a large gay community, and it is a fairly liberal place, so being gay and out is fine, at least in day to day life. I have a lot more trouble with dealing with the age difference between us. I have come out to everyone that is important to me, and they are accepting and supportive about me being gay, but only my family, and a few friends are aware that I am attracted to much older men. Supportive isn't exactly a word I would use to describe their reaction. Most of it comes from a place of concern, but it is clear that my choice to date older men is not acceptable to these people that I have told. I feel like my relationship with my friends and family has taken a step backwards. I feel incredibly isolated. The only person I can really speak freely to in the real world about this topic is my boyfriend, and I don't have anyone outside of the relationship that I can share with. I am losing friends because I feel like I cannot share my relationship with them. I don't feel comfortable bringing my boyfriend to my apartment, because I don't feel comfortable introducing my boyfriend to my slightly more conservative flat mate that I share an apartment with. I am in a place where I am losing all of my friends that don't accept me for who I am, and it turns out that this applies to a lot more people than I thought. As I feared when I was working towards coming out, being gay isn't the big issue, it's dating 60 year old men that is the big issue. I had this great moment where I felt good about myself when I came out and everyone was so great about it, but now I just feel like everyone let me down, including half of my family, because I am dating older men. I have tried dating women. I have tried dating men my own age. It does not work for me. The fact that I have pushed myself into these unhealthy relationships is just proof that my current dating practices are socially unacceptable. I just want to have friends that don't judge me because of who I am in love with. I'm not going to wait until I am 50 to start dating men that I am attracted to. I'm done with lying to myself. If anyone has any advice, please let me know. Thank you for reading this.
I don't have any advice really. I can't even assess how big problem is your age gap as a 25-year-old starts to be significantly more mature than 20-year-old. I guess people will become more accepting when you get older. Say when you are 30 the age gap does not feel so big anymore. Have you any idea why you are so interested in older men? A little Freud inside me is thinking it has to be a daddy issue.
This is a tough place to be in. What I can tell you is that, from what we know, your attraction is likely not hardwired, and is more likely conditioned. That being the case, it is likely it could be addressed and changed with therapy. The value in doing so is a mixed bag; if you could honestly be happy in a healthy relationship with someone your own age, then that would probably be the best outcome, as you're always going to have judgment and stares and so forth any time you go anywhere, and you'll be running into that sort of issue with family and friends. And, of course, there's the unpleasant consideration of life, longevity, and health issues. If you're in your mid-20s going out with someone in his 60s or 70s, you likely have only 10-20 years in any relationship you enter. Now... that's a long time, but not nearly as long as the typical couple marrying in their 20s who might have 40 or 50 even 60 years together. These factors, particularly how society and family and friends view your relationship, are what they are. And that isn't right, and you shouldn't have to do something in order to conform with what society considers appropriate. Yet, the reality is, you either have to put up with that for the rest of your life, or work on changing it. So for my money, I'd make the effort to explore things in therapy simply to see what might come of it. You might come out of it much happier, and feeling appropriate attraction to people your own age. That would certainly make things easler, but only you can decide if it's something you'd want to consider.
I second this proposal. Even if you don't want to change your preference or it fails to change it going to therapy has still the potential to be very good experience anyway. One does not have to be broken, crazy or disturbed to benefit from it. Therapy is really about getting to know and develop yourself and anyone can take something out of it if they have the mindset and talking tools for it. In my country all licensed therapists have to go through therapy themselves as a part of their training even if they don't have any particular traumas or problems to be addressed. So if you can afford it I really recommend going to therapy. I'm going myself once I have saved the money.
I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing such intense feeling of isolation and judgement by others. That’s a really tough spot to be in. I can’t speak specifically to how you should deal with being attracted to older men as I’ve never been in that position. Obviously, there is something that much older men are able to provide you that people your own age aren’t. From what you’ve said, it mostly has to do with physical attraction. While that could well be the case – are sure that’s the only factor? Could there be other factors at play? For example, older men have life/career experience, are generally more decisive, are more financially stable, can act as a mentor of sorts, can have more of a defined direction in their lives, may own a home, may have interesting life history/experiences, may take on father-like role, etc. As I said, maybe it’s just physical. But maybe, if you explore it enough and ask enough questions of yourself, there is something that older men are able to provide you that was for some reason lacking in your life. You might be able to hone in on what those things are and figure out other ways to get them outside of having to be in a relationship with someone who is so much older. Just my two cents. Best of luck.
I've been attracted to older men my whole life (and still am). After handful of encounters, I can confidently say that for myself, I cannot imagine myself in a fulfilling relationship with one. But with that said, one of the guys I met up with (50) is currently in a relationship with a guy who's 22. They've been together for a while now, almost a year I would say, and live together. If it works for them then that's fine, you know? I do not know how they can make it work, but I honestly have no time to figure that out, I already have enough shit to deal with on my own. But as Chip suggested, it may be worth exploring why you are attracted to guys much older than you. Age gap relationships aren't uncommon, but do some digging, you know? Wouldn't hurt right?
I have been in therapy for a long time and I have been specifically discussing this topic with my therapist for the past six months. He seems to think that what I am doing is fine as long as I am happy and the relationships are healthy in both directions (As in I am not taking advantage of the older guy, and the older guy is not taking advantage of me). As for 'digging deeper', I don't really know what else to do. I also would rather be in a happy relationship that I can't share with the world than be alone for the rest of my life. If I have issues, that's fine, and I need to deal with them. I fall in love with older men, and right now, I am in love with one and I am happy that we have each other. If there is some issue, I have to wonder, do I really want to find out what it is? Then I am left with what? Nothing. No one to be attracted to, no one to fall in love with, so basically, no point for living. Like I said, I have a therapist, and I share EVERYTHING with him, he sees nothing wrong with what I am doing, and I just wanted an opinion from some strangers on the internet. You all are telling me that I don't have the right to fall in love, so that really hurts me. But I appreciate your honesty and I thank you for your response. It is just a bit hard for me to be an outsider even in this community, where people come to deal with others not being accepting of their way of life. Your message to me is pretty clear, I don't belong here. If I don't belong here, I don't belong anywhere. Don't worry about me, I will be happy on the outside.
So let me see if I understand correctly: You posted a lengthy post explaining the issue, the problems -- mostly family and society's judgment -- that it's causing you, and you ask this community, which happens to be comprised of a lot of people with experience or background in your situation -- for advice. You get said advice, which includes a pretty wide range of thoughts, but overall suggests that the simplest solution might be to see if you can work on your attraction. And then you seem to be annoyed by said advice. Remember that it is never a therapist's job to tell, or even suggest, what you should do. On the contrary, since their role is to be unconditionally supportive and encouraging you to do what you want to do, most therapists would never suggest working on the issue unless yu indicated that this was something you wanted to work on. So it really isn't reasonable to say "well, my therapist thinks it's fine" because your therapist is simply going to reflect and validate back to you whatever you say you want, unless whatever that happens to be is actively harmful. Now... If you are genuinely happy, then it's hard to understand why you posted in the first place. There's no magic bullet to get people to accept a relationship that in most people's eyes isn't likely to be healthy. But there is a potential solution that coud solve the stigma you are experiencing... You just aren't interested in even exploring that possibility. So it's hard to know what sort of advice or suggestion to offer you other than to say, in effect... well, you seem to be happy, and you seem to have no interest in exploring whether this is an issue that could be resolved, so it doesn't seem like there's much to discuss here.
