Hi all. I had a crappy day. I am pretty good most days, I am not sure if my meds sucked today, pmdd, accumulation of problems, or what... but I did not have a good day. I had a bad day. And I just need to vent about it even if it just goes out with the wind because I don't expect anyone to suffer through reading this. What does a passionless, aimless, talentless, slow-learning person do? When your only hope at a not-miserable future will probably lie in your career, since you have no one to come home to, but you also have no hobbies, passion, or drives, what do you do? How does the future not drive one to suicide? When as far back as you can remember, any aspiration of any kind can pop into your head and be replaced within a day kind of like a Sim character? What do you do when there is nothing you have ever really, truly enjoyed? When people kindly but naively tell you to pursue an interest when this no longer manifests into a career? When you have no interests anyway? When you don't have the drive, capacity, or intelligence to really pursue anything you can hold onto for a week? When it leaves after that week? When you're far too old to get a degree, and you've already been a student for three - four years with literally nothing to show for it but some non-transferable credit? When you've devoted a good five years to different jobs in the workforce to "inspire you to go back to school" and none of it did? But you hated the jobs too? When you know most don't really LIKE their job but do it to support the things or people they do like and love? When you don't have that? What do you do? Because this problem has plagued me since I was 18 and given me incredible anxiety since I was 12, and here I am at 27, at my parents house, applying to schools knowing I won't go to any, working a dead end job, alone, driving my mom crazy, and still crying about this endless anxiety over my life and the future with not a damn thing to show for anything I've lived for so far. My solution to this seems to be researching, and getting discouraged, on good days. Crying and trying to function with that constant lowkey existential dread on bad days. On the worst days, I get suicidal. Most days, I wish I would just go through with it. But I always try to fake the hope and happiness, like most I guess. I absolutely loathe myself. And I loathe the way I look. No amount of exercise has helped, no amount of surgery will help (albeit I've only had one consultation for calves but still). I know "that sounds like depression, therapy is what you do" is going to be the most solid answer. But I've spent the last 11 years in and out of therapy, mostly in, and it has not done a damn thing for this issue. I could fill a tome with medications I have been on and they do little good to help me feel decent, achieve anything, or help in therapy. I've tried CBT, DBT, and "mindfullness", meditation, group therapy, I have not had any luck with training myself in anything. I'm reaching my end. I guess I just want to hear from anyone that has been through anything similar, or to just hear it gets better because I have nothing in my life to stay alive for or be hopeful about. I have a lot of reasons to want to cease to be here. I've thrown myself into so many situations and tried so many things to try and feel, to develop something I can care about, an interest, anything. Nothing sticks. I know this is firstworldproblem.txt but seeing how I'm an absolute mess over it I would like to try and address it instead of feeling shittier because people have it far worse. I have a lot of guilt about that kind of thing already. Thanks for reading. I know there are far more important things going on. I have larger issues myself, but this one has plagued me for too long. And today, I had a bad day. I like to think it can get better but I don't have a reason to. I hope your day was not bad.
you reminded me of myself back then. it was like, i dont know what to do, dont know where to start, dont know what i really want coz theres nothing interests me, i also ask my self sometimes why im sitting? why im watching TV. its just an endless questions for myself, i even work hard just to get the feeling that THIS IS IT this is where im good at but one day i just feel its empty, there is nothing there for me. it gives me the feeling that no matter what i do or did i always see my self in the same place. that i am in a loop that to be able to get out killing myself is the only option. Everyday i struggle not to lose my sanity i keep myself busy and one day its all gone i also realized that the loop where im at is also empty an space theres nothing there, this thoughts and self pity that i felt for so long are the walls that i need to demolish or else ill find myself on that same spot again. so i live my life everyday like doing house chores (even tho we have maid), running errands, have fun with some friends or relatives, playing online games. till the day that we open a small family business. I pretty much do all things there starting from interior to contacting suppliers, dealing with customers, also making sure that in the future our business will grow and open more branches. here i am now finally got the feeling of fulfillment and still going on, dreaming for bigger things, wanting to do more and be more successful in life. see i found where im good at. dont end your life its not the solution. i hope one day you will find your meaning in life. just dont give up keep moving on.
Yes, you are depressed and by the sound of it rather badly. You mentioned you are on meds and on therapy and have been for an extended period of time. In general therapy is very effective treatment in treating depression and various other conditions. If therapy is not working the most usual case is personal working chemistry between the therapist and the patient or that the patient does not feel secure in discussing some issues and intentionally or subconsciously hides them from the therapist. How was your experience with different therapists? Were they trained professionals? Did you feel that they were genuinely interested in you and your problems? Did you feel secure about talking about ANYTHING if there was a need or reason? Did the therapist try to figure out the underlying cause of your depression was it more focused on how to get things done and so on? What kind of approach you prefer to your problems? Analytical, practical or emphatic? If you prefer analytical style and understanding WHY you feel like you feel psycho-dynamic or psycho-analytical therapists would be a much better call for you. CBT and DBT focus more on the side of trying to provide you with coping skills and change unwanted thought and behavioral patterns and not so much of analyzing WHY you felt that in the first place. You mentioned that you have felt anxiety since you were 12. Did you have other symptoms before that or were you happy child before that? Did something happen around the time you started feeling anxious? If I had to take a guess I would think the root of your problems is in your childhood and its surroundings.
Hey, thanks for the great responses. joshvolby, I hope something falls onto me like that but my hopes are low about it and until then I feel like a disaster. I'm glad you find something nice though and I am glad to hear I am not alone in feeling that way and it has the possibility to end. Thanks~ Euler, I'll try to answer these the best I can! The first few times I tried therapy in my teens I was not open and in my early 20's I realized that's why I got nothing out of it as well as needing to be willing to work with it. So since then, I guess the past six years I've gone, I have only stuck with therapists I'm comfortable with that feel at least remotely invested in me and know I can be open with. I never get anything out of it for these issues and unfortunately something always happens that prevents me from going because of finances. I'm in the U.S. and haven't had any replies from state/community services and can never stay in private practices for more than a half year before I just can't afford it. I try to find affordable therapists but even with that I can still never afford to go more than twice a month and that is never enough. My insurance covers nothing. I've been hospitalized once at 20 years old and it was not ideal or helpful and it put me in debt that I still have today. They were all trained professionals, like with the official licenses and degrees not just "counselors" or anything. Only two tried addressing why I am the way I am, one I know was psycho-dynamic the other was just reaching out I think, and nothing ever comes from it because I have no idea why I am like this. I can't think of any event or trigger or trait. The others focused on how to cope and work with it to function. I would prefer just getting rid of the depression instead of wasting time trying to source it and trying to learn how to ignore it but unfortunately I don't think such an approach exists and medications have not been helpful in that regard at all. I have had probably generalized anxiety since I was 7, I remember getting "the feeling" and trying to explain it to my parents but they didn't ever seem to understand what that was or care to figure it out. Older know I know it was the beginning of panic. I was an anxious mess of a child in just trying to be better than I could be and making people happy. I can't think of a single thing that triggered or caused this, that may have just been when I first noticed/remembered it. I don't think I have any "hidden" memories or trauma.
You’re right – this does sound like depression. I’ve dealt with depression for a lot of my life as well. Like you, I tried all sorts of things: therapy, medication, yoga, diet changes, and on and on. What I found is that in constant attempts to rid myself of depression, I was overthinking it. The solution that ended up working for me was simple: complete and total surrender. By surrender, I mean totally accepting reality as it is and trusting that everything is and will be find, regardless of what I do or don’t do. I don’t mean you just sit there and say “I give up” and accept all the bad things in life. Surrendering just means to let go of always trying to control or change reality instead of just acknowledging “what is.” Surrendering the need to control reality is really tough to do since we’re hardwired to always want things to be different than they are – it’s the “grass is always greener somewhere else” thought pattern. What can help is to ask some questions. For example… - What are you afraid will happen if you decide to just let go of control? Try to really find what it is you’re afraid of, and challenge it. Question whether or not that fear is true. See if there is evidence that could prove it isn’t true. - Whose life are you living? Are you trying to live someone else’s life – trying to control someone or fit someone else’s expectations – or can you be satisfied just being you? - What would it feel like if you were free from this constant malaise? What would happen if you just surrendered, stopped resisting, and let go of all of it? Surrender is easy, simple, and powerful. You don’t need psychologists, psychiatrists, or drugs to do it. It worked wonders for me. Will it work for you? Who knows – but it sounds like you’ve tried everything else, so what is there to lose? Suggested Reading: “Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender”
Hi Cort, thanks for the depthful reply. This is actually something I've tried a couple times based on the "hey you tried to kill yourself, what could you possibly have to care about now? what could be worse at this point" type of mentality, it sounds bad but it is actually positive. I will check into the book because unfortunately I do think I have some sort of ocd, or maybe it's just the intense severe anxiety, that prevents me from being able to stop thinking about my life and future. I have tried so hard to shut my brain off and short of taking benzos I can't do it. I don't know if it is about control or if I just can not stop focusing and obsessing about the future. My life is a wreck lol
Well, to me it sounds like that the main problem is that you can't really afford therapy. First of all, it is crucial that the therapist doesn't change but you go through the entire treatment with one therapist. The second thing is that your have met with your therapist far too few times. At the beginning of therapy in cases like your it's usually minimum of 3 times a week for the first 3-6months and after that 1-2 times a week typically for 2-3 years. I would say if you can't afford this kind of therapy you might be better of by not going to one. There are some kind of short-term intense therapies but I'm not sure how helpful they would be for your case. Well, I think it might be useful to figure out what is the cause for your problems. This way it is easier to do something about it. Imagine being on a ship and suddenly water starts flowing to the room where you are. Now, you can get rid of the water with a pump or mop but depending on the cause it might not be helpful. If the ship is sinking the treatment is very different from if someone left the tap open in the next room. Actually you don't need any one sudden big trauma or even "hidden" trauma to cause anxiety and depression. Simply neglect or abuse from your parents is enough to cause it and the insidious thing is that you might not even realize you were abused or neglected because whatever the treatment you get from your parents is assumed to be normal or the norm. You only have one family and cannot really compare it to anything else. If I had to take a guess I would say that your parents neglected you emotionally. And I don't mean they did it on purpose or that it was something obvious or very strong. Children do not become anxious for no reason. Your anxiety was response to conditions in your surroundings.
