I have been reading a lot of the threads in this advice forum, and I got to say, my heart is just so heavy and saddened by how many times I have seen people talking about killing themselves over these temporary problems. I am in no way diminishing the way you feel, or how much you are suffering. I just know that, if you are one of the people saying these things, or thinking them, you can get through this and be happy on the other side, I promise. I know sometimes it is hard to tell (especially online) who is serious and who is seeking attention. I don't care either way. If you just need attention, I am happy to give it to you. I don't know either way so I will assume everyone that says anything about hurting themselves is serious. I am going to share something, I hope it helps. This is a true story, but if you decide that you simply cannot take my word for it, please just focus on the point I am trying to get across. This is taken from my blog on another forum I frequent. It is like a whole wall of text, so if you decide not to read the whole thing, please know that there are people (like me) who really care and do not want to see anyone hurt themselves. Pm me any time to talk if you need to. "Sometimes when I share this, I get accused of looking for attention and pity. I for damn sure am not. I am a very happy and satisfied person for the most part. I encourage questions, comments, and kind words, but please do not gush on me with pity, it really is not necessary. Ps, I hate writing in first person so... yeah. Renny was born to parents that cared more about their personal freedom than they did about their children. It was their negligence that left Renny, only four years old at the time, crushed on the road by a drunk driver. Her mother, only twenty feet away, never noticed the small, unmoving body of her daughter on the side of the road. It was around forty minutes later, when Renny's older sister was coming home from school, that she was found. She was taken to the hospital. The doctors were able to keep her alive and little more. They claimed that she would never walk again. Her parents and her sister resigned themselves to the fact that she would be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life. Her bones and muscles were simply too unstable to support even her small body. Her brother, the oldest of the siblings by far, saw things far differently than the rest of them. In secret, he encouraged Renny to struggle against her disability. He told her that the kind of strength she needed to overcome this obstacle had nothing to do with size, which she was sorely lacking, and had everything to do with her heart and mind. It was his constant encouragement that eventually led to her regaining the use of her legs, twelve years later. Shortly before leaving the wheelchair, Renny met and fell in love with a girl named Ana. Ana, who was two years older than Renny, quickly became the center of Renny's universe. Every day started and ended with Ana. She could hardly stand even moments of separation from her. Innocent infatuation quickly became an unhealthy codependency. While Renny looked to Ana as a larger than life beauty, Ana looked to Renny as someone she could utterly and completely dominate. This started out as loving gestures. Ana took any opportunity she could to assist Renny with her day to day living. Before long, Ana began to resent anyone or anything that took power from her in regards to Renny. Renny's brother and sister became enemies in Ana's eyes. She could not even stand to see Renny helping herself, for fear that she would gain some small independence for herself. Renny, being submissive by nature, and even more so under the crushing weight of her love for Ana, allowed herself to be turned into veritable doll. Not only did she give in to this treatment from Ana herself, but even Ana's friends began to take an interest in Renny as a shiny new plaything. Before long, she was as much a toy as a human being. Within six months, the relationship took even uglier turns. Within a year, it was beginning to end. Renny's heart was fragile to begin with, and was left in utter ruins by the time Ana left her. Ana continued to toy with her emotions, coming back and leaving repeatedly, until Renny finally found the strength of will to end the relationship herself. Even then, it remained a great struggle for Renny to resist the woman she had loved so dearly. (Going back a few years) When she was fifteen, and still a year away from the surgery that would help her walk again, Renny began volunteering at a library part time. She would sit up at the front desk and help patrons as they entered and left. She enjoyed the peace and quiet and most of the people were very friendly to her. Renny, being well under five feet tall, was often mistaken for a child and therefore rarely received any attention from women that she was interested in. On the occasion that they did take an interest, it was usually to gush about how cute she was and to pity her for her condition. Pity is not something that Renny had ever received well, though she admittedly enjoyed the attention. It was because Renny never caught another girl's eye, in a romantic sense, that she completely misunderstood the intentions of a certain girl that came in to talk to her on a regular basis. Being unbearably shy, these conversations were typically one-sided, though Ana was patient and slowly drew Renny out of her shell. Renny began to look forward to the conversation, and she certainly looked forward to seeing Ana, who was perhaps the most attractive woman Renny had ever met. When Ana suddenly stopped coming into the library for a week, Renny was surprised at just how disappointed she felt. She only knew her by her first name and had no way of contacting her; so she withdrew back into her little shell and went about her business. It was another month before Ana showed up again. This time, she wasted no time making her true intentions known. Being a naturally bold person, she marched right up to the desk and asked Renny if she would like to go out on a date with her. Renny, true to her nature, froze up and did not say a word. She stared like a moron until Ana got the wrong idea and walked away. Ana was not the type to back down easily though and she returned five minutes later demanding to know why Renny would not go out with her (she was never mean at this point, just very forthright). Renny, having been encouraged by a close friend online (Marya, the Pakistani girl I mentioned in my intro thread), said that she was very interested. Renny spent the rest of the day nearly sick from her nerves. She became even worse when she remembered that she did not own a single pair of shoes. It was rare that she made an exception to her "no shoes" rule, but she did not want Ana to think that she was strange. She had always been behind the counter at the library before, so it was unlikely that Ana had ever noticed this little eccentricity. Having no shoes and no one her size to borrow from, she painted her nails and hoped for the best. As it turned out, Ana thought of this as just another of Renny's odd but endearing qualities. The relationship became quite serious, much faster than it should have. Renny, having abandonment issues and struggling with constant pain and depression, looked to Ana as a sort of savior. Ana, having her own issues, began to look at Renny as her property. Six months into the relationship, the possessiveness became so overt that Renny was all but forbidden from contact with her family. A few months later, Ana began to get physically abusive. She would keep Renny afraid and belittled by pinching and slapping her. One day she would tell Renny how worthless she was, and the next she would be the most kind and affectionate person Renny could hope for. It was fear, confusion, and a total lack of self-worth that kept Renny from leaving her sooner. Finally, shortly after leaving the wheelchair, Renny had finally had enough. In the midst of a heated argument, she informed Ana that she was moving back in with her brother and never wanted to see her again. Ana, in a fit of anger, punched Renny in face hard enough to knock her down. Since Renny's legs were still healing and very fragile, one of them was fractured slightly in what would have otherwise been a rather harmless fall. It goes without saying that Renny left Ana and refused to have any contact with her since then. So here she finds herself. Independent for the first time. With a broken leg and a broken heart; but otherwise feeling pretty good about herself despite a lifetime of bad memories behind her. Today, Renny is trying to just enjoy life and not allow herself to become too emotionally attached as she has a tendency to do. She recently met a beautiful Japanese girl named, Suki. They are not actually in a relationship yet, though it has been discussed. Suki is quiet and accommodating, so basically the opposite of Ana. Renny still dreams of Ana often, and not always in a bad way which might be easier to deal with. Overall, Renny is a happy person who is grateful for what good she does have in her life. She is often misunderstood by her family; though it is understandable as she has some rather odd quirks. If you read this hoping for a happy ending, the best I can offer is a brief happy moment. Like the "Law of undulation" theory of C.S. Lewis, life simply never stays the same long enough to live happily ever after. If it helps, I can guarantee that, whatever comes at her, she will be making an honest effort to find something to be happy about." If you feel like you may hurt yourself, please talk to someone. If you care at all about the people on this forum that are hurting so bad that those thoughts are even crossing their minds, please leave an encouraging word here for them.
