Emotions 101, aka, it's complicated

hi people.
Please bear with me, since I'm not all emotionally stable right now. The past few days have been a roller coaster for me academically, socially, and emotionally.

I had to cut off my feelings when I was in primary school, 7th grade to senior year. Sure, I let myself smile, I could cry, I could display emotions. But...I never let myself fall in love, I never let myself fall for a guy, or do anything involving "love." Everytime my friends and I played truth or dare, and they asked me who I liked, I picked some random female friend everybody knew that would make me look straight. They were all just friends, and nothing more. So I guess I'm a little emotionally stunted in the love department. Except...except for a few summer programs during high school. The first program was after sophomore year. I met this amazing guy, he was my roommate at an academic program. We had so much in common...except that I was gay and he was straight. I let myself develop feelings for him over that summer. Come junior year, I had to go back to high school, and consequently had to bury those feelings. After junior year was a different program, a different guy, and I had a tiny "crush" you could say, on him. Turns out he was a complete jerk who didn't respect my culture and the emphasis my family put on getting a good education. We tried to stay in contact, but around the end of fall semester senior year, he said a few things that I simply couldn't take, and we haven't talked since. Come spring term, I find out that I've been accepted into this amazing college, and guess who's also going to be there? Guy from the first summer program.

This summer was...interesting. I finally told some of my closest friends that I didn't like girls, and they were so accepting. I rode that high into college, and was finally free to be myself (it felt like I had wings that had been bound by heavy chains, and the chains were finally gone, and I could fly). I actually made good friends, friends who weren't going to judge me based off of me liking guys. And I reconnected with the guy I met at the summer program. The first four weeks of college, everything was good. I was finally out, I was taking challenging classes, I smiled at least every day out of sheer joy. I finally let myself think that I could love a little. Then...an event came.

My college has this weird tradition where during a full moon, everybody goes to a common place (if you know what this is, I'd prefer you not guess where I go), and makes out at midnight. In my idiocy, I asked the guy from the summer program to meet me before this tradition happened, right after a midterm we had both taken. I hinted at asking him if I could kiss him, and...he exploded. I had told him the week before college started, I was gay, and he said he wasn't, and everything was fine. We were both hanging out, things were happy. Then the night of the tradition, I hinted at asking him if I could kiss him, and things went up in a giant ball of fire. My logic behind asking to kiss him was that because I've got some bad food allergies, and he hates the foods that I can't eat, it would be a good first kiss, since I wouldn't have to be hospitalized. I never got to explain, and instead got a rant about how I had a "fixation" on him, and that I needed to grow up, and just stuff that really, really hurt. I ended up going to my dorm and crying for an hour.

This semester, last night actually, I was regretting ruining our friendship. So, I posted an apology on yik yak, that strongly hinted at who he was, and who i was, but nobody else would know. I'm not brave enough to tell him I'm sorry face to face, and I don't think an email or other form of communication would work. I ended up getting a comment on that post telling me to leave him alone (from I'm assuming him). When I read that comment, it felt like my chest was tightening, and turning where my heart was. End story.

I'll admit, I'm emotionally and also socially stunted. I don't know crap about social situations nor what all these new emotions are. I have questions though, that I'm hoping y'all can answer.

What's the difference between a fixation, a crush, and being in love? I've basically been saying that if I would jump in front of a gun for somebody, then I definitely love them, or at least care for them in a very strong manner. I wanted to keep up with the guy, so I tried to communicate with him every once in a while. Then, I later realized that what I was doing was kind of stalker-ish, so I stopped. It wasn't just random cliche stuff like favorite food, color ,etc. It was how was your day, which dorm were you assigned (when all the other freshman were super excited about it), are you excited to come to college. I'm captivated by his smile, his laugh, his sense of humor, the similarities and yet differences we share. I care about his heartbreaks, and wanted to comfort him when I heard of them.

What is this feeling I have? The feeling of my heart twisting and hurting when I saw the leave me alone message? The pain in my chest today and the sadness I feel? This...hurt, that makes me want to cry?

What is unrequited love?

How do I know that I'm "into" a guy, or if it's just a passing feeling?

How do I stop this "fixation" if it is a fixation?

I'm emotionally new to all of this. I don't know anything. I'm just now relearning how to romantically love, if that is even what you call it.