Hi guys. So just to sum up : i've been angsting on this board for a few months more trying to deal with the disappearance of an important person from my life. 7 months ago he cut all contact and refused all my attempts to contact him - even in person - and left the country. without explanation or me knowing wtf is going on. It hurt me so much and really being here helped. In any case, out of the blue two nights ago, he contacted me. on FB. sent a long message basically saying he had some sort of health issue and is asking for my advice, and in the end saying i don't have to reply if i don't want to. I did reply. saying i'm there. I know some would say "screw him" or whatever, but apart from my drastic longing for an explanation, I ALWAYS consider myself a person's last resort. if he was willing to contact me despite whatever bug crawled up his ass, then maybe he's in a real fix, and i just can't turn my back on anyone in need. it's who i am. Anyway, yesterday we talked finally, after 7 months of silence. and i did my best to be reserved and calm and not to show my hand basically. I listened to his concern - I graduated from medicine, and it's why i'm relevant- and I actually got worried. it seems he's having some sort of episode or meltdown from studying and probably a bunch of other things. I said if it was another time, i would've just flown over, but that ship has sailed, i can't after what he's done just do that. he told me to please forget what he did, and that he had some thoughts about me and was dealing with his shit and that he was wrong and i did nothing to deserve that. With the above, 7 months of pain just dissolved. I know him i really do, and i'm really concerned after our conversation. he seems to be struggling and i just want to go over there and just hug the crap out of him and tell him it's all ok and not to worry. I think that's all he needs. And i do believe, that he hinted that what he did to me is part of his struggle. never one to express in words, that's what i heard him say. :bang:
There is no shame in forgiveness, however, forgiving someone does not mean you fall into the same trap again. I don't know what was there story 7 months ago but I sounded like he was unable to give you any satisfactory explanation. Listening and helping over the phone is fine but don't event think of flying to him. He sounds like an emotionally unbalanced person and that has not changed since then. If you get involved with him again it's only a matter of time he pulls shit like that to you again. Furthermore, he is an adult and should be capable of taking care of his shit.
It might be a good idea to pause and reflect. At the moment you are dealing with all of the emotions arising from your conversation with him and it's really difficult to think objectively when feelings are running high. Forgiveness is a good thing, if you can manage it, but forgiveness shouldn't necessarily lead to forgetting and "wiping the slate clean". Don't rush into a situation now, that may leave you feeling even more fragile and vulnerable. I'm not telling you what to do, but I'm urging you to think about it.
Well, an update : We met, after so long. It was weird, but I can't say I wasn't happy. I was happy, and deeply concerned. he apologised, in his own way, and said he'd like it if we can be friends. Apparently, he was struggling with sexuality. he thinks being gay is wrong, and thus tried to forget about it by cutting me out. it is painful that he chose this action, but I do forgive him, and I still love him, and yet, this platonic relationship he wants is very exhausting to me. we spent the valentine weekend together, and it was tough. I now left him and we stay in touch almost daily, and more than once I stopped myself from typing " i love you" when we want to end the convo. old habits die hard. le sigh.
Directing him to this website may help him in the process of overcoming his internalized homophobia, remind him that heterosexual is not normal nor necessary, but just common. Other than that I'm unsure of what to say, but I hope that this has helped at least a little.
