So, I want to give you guys a little update on my life. My last post, I believe, is about my bouts of depression and my need for psychiatric help. I am yet to get a proper one, but it's definitely in my to-do list. I had an HIV scare in the last few days. I had unprotected sex with a 56 yo guy with me being a top. He claims to be clean as he was a military and he is required to get tested every few months or so. But I am not sure if he is saying the truth as he seems to be a liar in some of the things he said to me. I was the top and circumcized so I believe the exposure was minimized but I'll never know. My 3 month window period will be in May so I'll do an HIV Test by then. I am not really that worried. Since I can't do anything about it anyway for now, I 'll rather put it behind my mind for a while. The impact and the feel of loneliness is eating me up in the last couple of days. I am not sure if it's because of Valentines or not. But the craving for romance, to be loved, to have intimacy is very strong lately. But I really am trying to keep it in, try to be nonchalant about it but for some reason, I am finding it difficult lately than ever. I am trying to date but I really have no one that I really like. I don't want to force it anyway since I believe doing so will lead the relationship to shambles. Stories of infidelity, cheating and "Leaving you for someone else" are still making me upset big time. I try to stay away from it as much as possible. I tried joining a forum that is being populated by other woman/man and betrayed spouses, as a way to alternative therapy and just to see if by immersing myself to their stories and situations will give me much insight to accept that these things do happen etc etc. BUt I guess emotions got ahold of me and I got banned after a month LOL. Anyway, I am still trying other ways to cope with this debilitating issue. I guess being abandoned, blindsided etc. is really my major phobia in life. I am praying really hard the someday, someone will come to my life to ensure me and take away these feelings by being the living proof that someone will stay with me, and love me for who I am til the day they die. Too much of a fairy tale isn't it?
It's not a fairy tale, because it can and does happen, but it doesn't necessarily happen at the first, second or even thrid attempt. There are some people who fall in love at first sight, but I think it's very rare, and even then, there will be ups and downs that will test their relationship to the limit. It's inevitable, because life is not all plain sailing. I had a number of failed relationships before I met my husband 12 years ago and although it was painful to go through all of the break ups, I learned something about myself and about what I wanted through the process and that was all valuable life experience. The fear of rejection; of being hurt or lied to can be paralysing and it can stop us from taking a chance on love (and it always is a chance) and lead to loneliness and depression as we see other couples who are seemingly happy and contented. We end up yearning for what they have... or what we think they have. Your fears are normal and you shouldn't ignore them, but you shouldn't allow them to rule you and cloud your opinion about relationships. You are right that you shouldn't force the issue, but don't deny yourself either. It's about striking the right balance and trying to prepare yourself for love and safe intimacy as best you can. Do get tested for HIV and learn from what happened. Life is a learning curve and the most important thing is to pay attention to the lessons that it brings our way so we don't repeat mistakes and continue to have our feelings hurt.
