So, I used to be on here every other day. It didn't really help, pretty much every question I asked had either been asked a hundred times- complete with the same set of answers- or was one of those irritating things you allegedly have to answer for yourself. Let me start again- I am a 19 year old community college student in NE Ohio. Like most people I had a smaller social circle and ended up at about the middle of my high school class. Unlike any of them, I stayed behind- didn't go to any of the big, fancy universities to pursue dreams or anything. Also unlike them, I am very much transgender- MTF. Apparently this led to a lot of general depression and anxiety. Over my time in grade school, I had accumulated a small group of friends that I considered to be rather close. After graduation, they all left except one- she ended up informing me that everyone in my circle had been wearing two faces. Not one of them had been honest with me, whether by a change in character or by omission, they had all failed to be a true friends. I only found this out after feeling the gaping hole they left in my life when they were gone- for almost 2 years after, which is most of my life that I can remember- which has been rather irritating to my therapist. It does not end there, I never learned how to make friends- I had relied on my friends to introduce their friends to me and never learned how to talk to new people. Any time that I want to, I always find all of the reasons not to. And so I have been alone for some time. Lately- about 9 weeks ago, I started antidepressants in response to what appeared to be an emerging self-harm habit. This ironically led to a worsening of symptoms and then what was a few erroneous scratches turned to utility razor cuts. I started tallying my life's failures on my wrist- literally tally marks, it made sense at the time. Sooner or later I decided to go to a gender therapist- 4 weeks ago- only seen her 2 times but I do not see things as improving any time soon. I am still closeted, out only to the only person I would call a friend, and also my sister. I wish I could say I am leading a double life but my entire reality is currently composed of shitty, part-time work, classes and sitting here with a computer trying to make sense of how my brain works. In truth I am not leading a life, my friend, my co-workers and classmates are all fundamentally disinterested in having anything to do with me as I suspect that my sarcasm and bitterness with all of reality have turned me into a callous asshole- an uncomfortable situation for all involved. I have therefor spent what actually seems like my entire life totally alone in life- no friends, no significant other, no family worth a damn. I ended up on whisper but that ended up being filled with a 50/50 mix of sympathizers and gigantic douchebags. That brings me back here. I seriously doubt anything will come of this but I suppose it kind of helps to get everything out and straightened out. I don't actually remember what a hug feels like. Between the actual chronological distance between the last instance and my terrible memory, I somehow forgot what real human contact feels like. I'm starting to think that that is why I want friends or more specifically a significant other, not for stimulating conversation, sex or financial reasons but just to try to remember what another human being feels like- to actually have someone look forward to seeing you or miss you when you aren't there. Just a little bit. I don't expect much from humanity but after everything I have seen and endured- which rest assured, is more than necessary- after everything I have done, after every person's day that I tried to make, those times I tried not to be some other forgettable face in a regular day, every favor, every common courtesy. Not a bit of it has ever been returned. I don't buy the whole seed faith/karma/what goes around comes around B.S. but for fuck's sake is the entire world like this? I'm starting to realize that this has transformed into a formless rant that will almost certainly never be read in its entirety but I will continue on anyway. I just don't understand how there can be no one in this entire area who can see me. It's like I am a ghost, I am just a temporary fixture when I am there and never even an afterthought thereafter. Most of my classmates probably don't even know my first name, much less my second and my co-workers only know it because I wear it on a tag. My family has never done more than the theoretical contractual minimum- food, water, shelter, education, not beating the shit out of you. Actual support that helps normal people with not wanting to kill themselves is practically nonexistant. The reasons vary but it should suffice to say that the isolation is getting to me. Isolation, loneliness, depression, anxiety, dysphoria, panic attacks, avoidant personality- looking at it from here makes it look like a recipe for disaster, a bit like looking at the chemical formula for some lethal chemical, explosive or something. The only reason I am typing and not cutting right now is because my therapist has decided to link HRT to my mental well-being more than anything else, insinuating that as soon as I am stable enough, she will write the letter. It is a little bit difficult to testify as to your mental health when you have fresh tally marks on your wrist. I don't even know why I am on here, maybe someone on here will care, maybe someone will relate. These things used to matter to me, but I am out of energy now, I am done, I need actual help but I can't slow down anything in my life. I am stuck on rails with zero control over speed, direction or destination. I don't know what a mental hospital is like but with my brain tearing itself apart, it is looking like a better and better option. I really want to talk to someone but I am worried that even the most supportive person here would be completely frustrated and impatient at how I am seemingly incapable of helping myself. Please advise.
Hi First thing i want to say is that i see you! You are not a ghost. You are going through a huge change in your life becoming the lady you truly are. I actually admire you. Xx
I could only say that it would be best to find a support group for transgender people in your area, if there is one. I know that your biggest problem here is your depression and anxiety caused by your isolation but in a group people will recognize your struggles and you will have something to relate to each other about. They will have a reason to give a damn about you. However if this is not an option there are lots of people here (including me) who will be willing to talk to you about your difficulties. There are even advisors here specifically to talk to people who need help the most. Please stay strong, we see you x
Hello there, I can say I relate, and I definitely care. I've read it all, and I dig all you said about 'common courtesy', and people not giving a damn in general. The trick, I learned later, is to learn not to give a damn yourself. Whatever good comes to you afterwards (and it will come some good, trust me) will leave you pleasantly surprised. Expecting some human warmth on this world is to risk your mental health, period. Same with the mindset that this world is nothing but a jungle. None of both, not heaven nor hell... It is an empty place when you feel empty, and it's a wonderful place when you feel wonderful. Being a student and working part time sucks. All goes in a rush, you have no time for yourself, and on top of that you have to deal with dysphoria. Been there, done that. Now where do you feel most comfortable? Where would you rather be? Spend as much time as you can there. Some binge watch movies, then talk about them with others, some read books, some just go for a walk... A hospital should be seen as your last option. I've never been inside of one besides the 10 minutes I went to visit a friend of mine, but it was awful... You see so much pain there, I wonder how you can stand such a view without going crazy. I wouldn't go there unless I had suicidal thoughts. This is something you should take seriously. All trans I know say hormones change the game, and did wonders for their mental health. You have a golden chance here to change your life, and you should definitely fight for it. I took me many years, and neverending therapy, to get even the chance you have. Count this blessing. Count the rest of your blessings : You are sick, true, but there are out there people who can't walk, and people who had brain damage and are dependent on others for things like dressing up. How do you think that would feel? We must, MUST count our blessings everyday. A side effect of antidepressants is that they can give you suicidal thoughts, so next time you have them, keep in mind it might be not you, but the meds doing the talk for you. Some say it might take time until your body adapts to the meds, but after seeing what the meds did to my friends, I don't think I would take them. I know this advice is not perfect, and I wish I was there, at least to give you a hug. I suck at hugs, because I'm a bag of bones, you know, but still... I have no idea how we are able to go through this shit everyday, you know, and I'm going through a lot myself, so all I can do right now is to wish you the best, and remind you to pm me if you want or need to talk about issues. The advisors and mods are here for a reason too, same as EC. I know it seems so pointless to reach out, but trust me it's not... Half is what you get from the world, the other half is the efforts you make. As you grow older, you get to know yourself better, see what you are going through not as a proof of being a failure, but as a proof of being inexperienced, just growing up. We can't change the past, we can only change the present. The first step takes a lot of courage. To do something random, like just asking for directions to a stranger, trying to talk to people a bit, even if they are just cashiers, just a random comment here and there, and little by little you can go places... Life is not just going out and being asked for a date randomly, by the love of your life... You have to dare, to go beyond, and to break the rules we are all so afraid of breaking... To try to go somewhere else is better than keep on the same place you are. Please, reach out... (*hug*)
I don't have any experience with trans, but I do have a child with mental health issues. So, the one thing I can offer is this...I am a mum who cares about your well-being. Contact me on my wall if you want to talk.(*hug*)(&&&)(*hug*)(&&&)
