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Need advice and generally support.

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by FoxEars, Feb 18, 2016.

  1. FoxEars

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    I have two things on my mind right now, so I'll start with the main role that's on my mind right now.
    Tomorrow I'm going to my Grandad's funeral, I'm unsure of what to expect as I've managed to distract myself the last few days, whereas now I'm not going to be able to not think about the fact that he's gone. The fact that he's dead. If anyone has advice on how to make it easier to keep my emotions to myself, I'd gladly appreciate it.
    Secondly, I go to an air cadets and the people there are amazing- there's no one who's more dedicated to hurting you than the actual task at hand (basically it's a whole lot more of a friendly place than school.) You do get the occasional comment about something "being gay" or "looking queer", but otherwise it's a healthy, disciplined yet fun environment. However, usually on my way there anxiety kicks in, I don't know why and I hate the feeling. It often ruins cadets for me because I often find myself unable to speak properly and put forward my ideas as easily as I would be able to if I wasn't. (I'm still bad at talking but it's seemingly worse when I'm anxious.) I get this feeling whenever someone at school decides to give me the rap. For me, school is like being put in a cage with rabid human eating teenagers (not literally, more emotionally chipping you away) and cadets is like a place for me to take a break from those people.
     
    #1 FoxEars, Feb 18, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2016
  2. Klutz

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    I'm sorry for your loss. Funerals are a way for those still here to grieve together and get some closure. I don't know if there is a cultural difference, but I don't think there is any shame in being emotional about a loss. Something that helped me for my Nana's funeral was finding a corner and sitting with my cousin and just talking about happy memories.

    I've got nothing for your second advice request. Hopefully, as you go on with this group, you will feel safe enough to relax more.
     
  3. Hachi

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    Losing family is one of the toughest things you'll go through. I lost my father when I was pretty young, and it was difficult, to say the least. I was still in shock at his funeral, so I was pretty distant regardless, but it is 100% okay to be emotional at a funeral. I guarantee you that others there will be feeling very same to you. If you are very intent on remaining calm, you could try some simple meditation tricks - like maybe focusing on your breath when you feel you're losing it, counting down from 10, etc.

    But my advice is to just let your emotions do as they will at his funeral. Think about him and put him in your thoughts.

    As for the anxiety, some things that help me (and may or may not help you) are finding music that I really resonate with (upbeat preferably.). Then when I am feeling really stressed out before I do something, I'll put on headphones and tune everything else out, and it kind of resets my mental state, if that makes sense. Sometimes I will be feeling really stressed, and if I take a walk and listen to my favorite music, my mind will let go of the negative emotions I was freaking out about and relax a little. It doesn't always work, but if you like music you should give it a shot.

    Before you go to air cadets - like right before - take just like 5 minutes to take a few deep breaths, and tell yourself you can do this, you're going to be okay, you deserve to have fun and be there, everything is going to be okay. Just take some breaths and tell yourself that. It might just help you a little bit.

    As time passes, you will probably get more comfortable as well. Don't put too much pressure on yourself!
     
  4. FoxEars

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    The funeral has passed, and I presume that by now he's been cremated. There were some people who cut through the line of cars following the his coffin, which was pretty disrespectful. A few people tried to overtake us all and two people were talking about something stupid when we were in the crematorium- they stopped after my mother had politely asked them to continue their conversation when we got outside. It was out of character for them, so I'm assuming that it's just one of those things when you aren't thinking. He had a nice send-off, and his coffin was beautiful with crosses on it. I did see his body beforehand, but it wasn't really Grandad. He just looked as if he'd been molded out of something and his face painted pale- though he had colour in his hands. It's like you can see the death, if that makes sense? I can't get the image out of my head.
     
  5. Hachi

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    I totally understand - I saw my dad before he was cremated, and I was pretty young at the time, and I remember reaching down and touching his face and there was makeup on my fingers. It felt so surreal and strange. Even though I kept hoping he would move, I could see he wasn't there anymore - so I get what you mean about seeing death.

    I'm glad that his coffin was beautiful, and I'm sorry about the people who were disrespectful during his sendoff - people do oftentimes get lost in times like these.

    I hope that now that the service has passed, you will be able to start healing. (*hug*) (*hug*)
     
  6. FoxEars

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    Is it bad that I was hoping that he wouldn't come back? He was suffering, unable to swallow and therefore unable to eat or drink. His dementia would mean that again, he doesn't recognise anyone and he'd most likely feel so lonely. He died of dehydration, and I don't think that anyone would want him to come back if it meant more suffering. But I feel really bad for thinking this way.
     
  7. Ram90

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    My Grandfather died of Multiple Complications and Organ failures following his 8 year ordeal with Parkinson's Disease in Nov 2014. He was steadily getting better, but he lost motor functions, the ability to read, write, hear and speak by Oct 2014. We literally had to wheel him around everywhere, feed him, bathe him, clothe him. It was really hard for all of us to see a proud man, who took care of us all his life, like that, so helpless and lost.

    He had multiple complications in the end and we saw him suffer through dialysis and he had to be put on the ventilator. The hospital staff tortured him in the ICU during his last moments and would let us see him at all. We we allowed to see him when he finally coded and my dad gave permission to take him off artificial life support. :tears:

    So I get where you're coming from. (*hug*) It's hard but it's for the best that they were taken away. We wouldn't be able to see them suffer. It's really painful. (*hug*)
     
    #7 Ram90, Feb 22, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2016
  8. FoxEars

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    I'm sorry about your Grandfather, parkinsons is truly awful. My Grandad also suffered from it. It's hard to make- or be there when they make- the decision to let them go. The staff asked us that if anything happened, would we like them to try and resuscitate him. My Grandma said he'd be better off at peace, and he was probably too weak for it anyway.
    (*hug*)