My little brother lost his battle with depression in May of 2015. I'm still numb. I don't cry as much anymore, but when I do, it can go on for hours. I miss him so much. I will fully admit that I was not a good sister. We fought constantly until about 2 years ago. Then it was just random bickering. We ended up getting along through some video game bonding, and we just grew up. Still, I wasn't a good sister. He spent some time in the hospital in January before he died. I don't know why I didn't go see him more. I didn't feel right going out to the hospital and I have no idea why. I've been in hospitals. I've seen loved ones on their deathbeds. I just couldn't go. Our family wasn't really big on showing affection. Neither my siblings or I like being touched, don't like hugs, and I don't get why. I let my parents think I'm alright, because I want them to worry about them right now. My mom found my little brother. He was 23 and the baby of the family, her baby. Even after I moved out I would come home and stay some weekends and we would just sit and hang out and talk. Never about anything big, just little things. I just want to sit and talk to him again. I would give anything to have my little brother back. I would like to find someone to talk to that's been through this, because right now it feels like hell. I need to know this isn't how it's going to be forever.
First, sorry to hear about your brother. It's never easy to deal with the death of a loved one, especially one you've known for so long. I'd say you're dealing with a lot of grief right now and there's definitely stages to it. I've been in a similar situation with my friend and man, was he distraught. I can only say that he moved on by focusing on his dreams by honoring his brother as well. He also committed suicide and his mom also found him. I can understand how much that can change the whole family around. I'm letting you know right now, it's not your fault. The pain will stick, no matter how hard you try to deny it. It sucks and it hurts, and it's the cold truth. How you cope with it, is entirely your choice. You can work on getting some closure by honoring your brother in some way. You can also work on preventing suicide, or focus on something positive that will help you cope with your grief. It's a tough journey, but it's not grim. Be strong.
It's very hard to lose a loved one to suicide and I'm very sorry for your loss. When someone chooses to end their own life there are so many unanswered questions for those who are left behind to process... so many why's? Some people leave a note that goes some way towards explaining the reasons, but it's rarely adequate and does nothing to heal the hurt and agonising pain for those, like you, who are bereaved. It's very common for the relatives and friends to blame themselves, to wonder if they missed the signs, to wonder if they could (and should) have done more and with all of the why questions it can lead to a lot of internalised guilt and shame. The fact is, it's never your fault and blaming yourself or each other will achieve nothing and only leave an open wound. Have you looked for any support groups for people bereaved by suicide in your state? It really can help to meet up with people who have been through the same process and share your experiences and find ways to move forward, together. When you look out for each other it helps a lot. You may find this website helpful: Welcome - Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors You may also wish to look online for these books, which have been a source of help and comfort to people who have been bereaved by suicide: A Special Scar: the experiences of people bereaved by suicide, by Alison Wertheimer or Sarah McCarthy’s, A Voice for Those Bereaved by Suicide. (Both can be found through Amazon). The most important thing is to talk about your feelings. All too often we conceal these feelings behind a wall of shame and despair of our own and it makes the pain so much worse. Don't bottle it up... it happens, so talk about it.
I'm really sorry for your loss... I'm sure there was a lot going on with you too. Don't blame yourself. Try to understand your past but do not blame yourself. Hold on to it and move forward with it. This will always be a part of you. I know it's hard and I don't really know what to say, but I do hope you the best, really.
Oh my gosh, that is a tough loss. I am so sorry. My sister killed herself about 7 years ago. My first cousin also killed himself before that. I'm not going to lie, it was hard as fuck. And the thing is, normally you can go to your parents for support and stuff when something bad happens. But when your parents have a child that dies, it is so profoundly life changing for a parent that you know you can't go to them for support because you have to be the strong one for them. Personally, I did not deal with my sister's death in a healthy way. If I could do it all again, I would have taken time off of school and gone into some intense therapy. Instead, I threw myself into school work and did lots of drugs and alcohol when I wasn't doing schoolwork so I never had to think about all the pain and anger I had towards my sister. That was bad, please don't do that. It works for awhile, but eventually you have to deal with your feelings. For me, that meant I was hospitalized for severe depression and had to have electroconvulsive (electroshock) therapy. My depression was so bad that I was taking a ton of medication and in intense therapy and nothing was changing and I got extremely suicidal myself. And I was in the hospital for months. It sucked big time. But the electroconvulsive therapy worked and I am really glad for that. The point of this is to illustrate that not dealing with your feelings can bite you in the ass in a huge way. So please go unpack all you are feeling with a professional and try to be there as much as you can for your parents. They need it.
