Falling in love with this straight guy again...

So... if anyone cares I couldn't end my life. Thanks to all those people who supported me on here.

But I have got another problem now. I am falling in love with the same straight guy that rejected me.

A summary of whatever happened.
It was 4 years ago that I met him. He is a classmate in college. He was a cute guy but didn't seem like someone that I could be friend with but after a while he showed interest in me. He always listened to me talking, laughing at my jokes and he even out his arm around me when we laughed so hard or when we were alone so I thought he might be gay.

We beame really good friends and I was sure that he is gay, he talked about some celebrity guy be cute , he even let me hold his hands sometimes. Months passed and then he started telling me about this girl he met, therefore I thought maybe I was wrong and he is not gay. I cut off all my contact with him but after 2 months he conctacted me and asked why I am not his friend anymore he said we should ba friends again and even invited me to his place but nothing happened...

one day I opened up and told him everything about my feelings he said he understands me and doesn't love me back and is not interested in men at all and asked me not to talk about these "awkward things". again.... BUT he let me kiss him twice and even invited me to sleep over!!! ...
anyway being just friends was really hard for me so I got awat from him but not very far we talk with each other sometimes. I started thinking about the annoying things about him and thought I am over him but a few days ago. I saw him after a long time and he hugged me.... I was over the clouds... I am thinking about him all the time now.... I have not left my room for 3 days... I don't even know what do... I am talking with him on fb atm but just about regular stuff..

PS: I live somewhere that homosexuality is a taboo and people rrarely alk about it.