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Secretly so in love with friend - desperately unhappy!

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by sparklequeen, Feb 26, 2016.

  1. sparklequeen

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Hey guys,

    I'm an 18yr old girl and don't want to label myself, but think I've finally come to realise I will never love a guy.

    I'm so in love with a close friend of mine. I adore her personality and her little quirks, and feel that she understands me like no one else. I have had crushes in the past, but nothing like this. This is my first infatuation and I cannot deal with it. I am beyond attracted to her - she is so beautiful I cannot put it into words - but I also find her a fascinating person. I have such a desire to get to know every little part of her mind and how she works, and would do anything to be able to spend all my days with her.

    I have loved her intensely for 1 year, and have liked her for 3 years. I cry my heart out about her every night without fail - I just want to cuddle her and kiss her etc. This is not a lust-driven crush. As I said, I am RIDICULOUSLY attracted to her and can only think about her sexually and no one else (which has killed my sexuality, I don't look at anyone else because I'm not interested, I just want her), but it's mainly that I think I have found my soulmate, and that terrifies me. I know there's more than one person for everyone, but I'm quite reserved and really don't like many people. So, not acting on this scares me, because what if I'm letting my one true love escape?

    I will never do anything about this. I will never talk to her about it because I don't want to ruin our friendship. Please don't advise me to do that - I know the situation and she would be very understanding/not creeped out, but I am NOT risking anything. I would be too embarrassed to ever face her again if she knew, and would probably cut off the friendship myself out of sheer awkwardness. So I NEED to get over this.

    She is a lesbian. She knows that I'm not straight (I blurted it out to her when we weren't sober). We went on holiday with a few friends about a year ago and may have had some drug experiences together. We had some insanely empathetic, intimate conversations and times together then. She told me she loved me many times, in a very serious way. I'm sure she meant as a friend, but since she compliments my appearance a lot and is gay herself, my lovesick soul can only hope that she might like me (and hence I cannot fucking get over this). She also kisses me on the cheek quite a bit. When she does that, my heart literally stops. Needless to say, making out with her would be so intense and wonderful, and doing more would be the most divine thing on this earth (I can dream).

    Whenever we are together and vaguely intoxicated, we act like we're either sisters or lovers, but not friends. The intense way we talk to each other + the compliments and smiles - it all makes me wonder whether she likes me a little bit.

    This is killing me alive and I am SO jealous and upset. If I'm with her, now and then I take tiny things of hers (like a pen etc.) and treasure them forever. She means more to me than I could ever express here. I'm just so jealous of every person she kisses and dread the day when she gets a girlfriend. It will kill me - I have no right to say that, but it will.

    I can't even drink anymore because I'm so depressed about her.When I'm drunk and all my emotions come to life, I end up coming home and crying so much I almost choke. It's comparable to the kind of wailing crying that people do when mourning their dead children. I am so grief striken about how much I love her that it makes me sick.

    I cannot see myself ever getting over her unless I totally cut her out of life (no way!!), which I doubt would work anyway. I don't think I'll ever feel this strongly for anyone else ever, and it breaks my heart so much.

    What should I do guys? Currently I am telling myself to live and experience the pain, instead of supressing it, so I let myself cry to love songs and make videos talking about my pain to look back on. Is this the right way to cope with this? I am so in love. :tears:
     
  2. confusedbubble

    Full Member

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    Why don't you want to risk it if she's giving you all the signals then go for it. Even if she says she doesn't want to be with you it will help you get over her. Maybe you could say to her you like her but don't know what to do and don't want to risk the friendship.
    As you've said you two just click like soulmates so why don't you tell her that, I take it she's kind of shy to make a move on you too and maybe scared of ruining the friendship too.. Don't let this eat away at you and if you cut her off it will still eat away at you trust me mine still hurts and its now heading into 18 months and I still hurt seeing her or hearing about her