Oh, god, she's magnificent. I don't know what I'll do when I run out of excuses to keep seeing her in her office -- I only had her as a professor for the winter term, so I haven't got class with her anymore. But I've got this giant crush on her and I'm sure she knows it. She knows I'm gay, too; we've talked about it and it's so nice to have someone I look up to (I want to go into academia in the future and she is in my field) to talk with about this stuff. It must be so obvious to her -- I'm always lingering after saying I'm going to leave, holding eye contact as if my life depends on it (probably not sexy, but I can't help it! I'm awkward), and having everything I say come out sounding all stupid and mangled because I'm so goddamn nervous around her. She probably thinks it's adorable or something (adorable in the sense that a baby spitting up is adorable, especially if that baby is also really interested in the humanities and will never be as well-read as the professor in question). God, it's so embarrassing. Anyway, she's this really sarcastic and laid-back butch-ish dyke and she's incredibly smart, of course (even though my grammar is better than hers), and she's got this lover whom I have found on Google. Based on what she has told me, her lover is also super cool. Really, I want their life: the crush was telling me about them as people, their attitude toward others and the world at large. I'm this...fucking wide-eyed young lesbian and I was totally mesmerized. I don't even have any friends, let alone this incredible life and this defiant love between professors. She actually knows a shit-ton about me. I am a rather private person, actually. However, when she asks me questions, I answer, and on Tuesday I ended up telling her so much about my life and my past (I have a tragic backstory of sorts) that afterward I actually felt as if I was letting someone get to know me. And she told me a lot about her life, too, not just about the lover, but also about her own past, her struggles, previous lovers of hers, famous dykes she knows, et cetera. Anyway, I'm not writing this just because I want to talk about how great she is. I'm writing because I'm finding myself in a situation where I feel like I have contradictory and conflicting thoughts/actions, for a few different reasons. First, there's the obvious: I want to maintain a professional relationship with her, yet I also want her to do me on her desk. So there's that factor. Second, I want her to think I am smart. Like, I want her to think that about me so badly that the memory of her telling me I'm a good writer turns me on. But that's just because I'm such a narcissist. But I'm of the sort that cannot speak when nervous. Like today, for example. I had a weird evening yesterday (it involved my crush and lots of details I am not willing to share with the internet, although it's nothing juicy, just a weird exchange in which she said some things I hope she wishes she hadn't) and consequently hardly felt like speaking today. But around her it's worse -- I can't get any words out without stammering, without saying "like" and "um" more times than I can count, without the fucking uptalk. Basically, when I try to speak to her, I sound like everything that is tragically wrong with the way women are socialized to speak. Thus, I do not come across as smart. Third, I'm finding myself so jealous of this lover that I want her expunged from the planet, basically, although not really, of course, because she has made valuable contributions to HER field. At the same time, though, I want to meet her. Be invited over to my professor's house to have dinner with the both of them. Because from what I know about her, I know I want to know her. And if I were more into femmes rather than butches and went to a different college, then I'd have a crush on the lover and I'd wish horrible things upon my current crush. I know there's more, but it's late. I don't really know why I'm posting this. I guess I'd really enjoy commiserating with anyone else who is in a similar situation. Maybe tell me about your pathetically unrequited loves? If it's any comfort to you, I'm sure I act dumber around this woman than you do around yours. I'm so awkward I almost wish I could prove it. I often wish everything in life could be done over email. Job interviews, for instance. I don't see her for thirteen days. Entertain me while I wait? :icon_bigg
