Hello, this is my story. I have been divorced from my exwife for 5 years. we have 3 beautiful children together, 15, 14 and 8. As soon as we got divorced she married her second husband. I met my partner about 2 and half years and we married last May. in June of 2015 i gave my daughter a tablet i didn't know that my phone was connected to that tablet, for which my ex found the pictures of my wedding with my partner and that is how she found out I had gotten married she already knew I was more into men, because i had cheated on her with a guy which she didn't like at all, but that's another story, in August she told my kids everything, that i was married to a man, that i cheated on her and that's why we got a divorce, and just bad mouthing me and manipulating and brain washing my kids. now they don't want anything to do with me, i visit them and take them to dinner only because i have used the divorce decree to get them, but they give me the cold shoulder, when I pick them up. I don't know what to do how to make my kids see me as their great dad they once saw me as, I know I have been told that it will be hard for that to happen again so if anyone has gone through the same situation as me or similar or can give me some kind of advice on what to say to my children to try to get them back please i would really appreciate it. i feel like she has my hands tied behind my back and is beating the crap out of me... i just want my kids back. any suggestion is greatly appreciated. please only serious responses. thank you.
I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing. If it's any consolation, I feel like people like your wife ought to be shot. Not because she's hurting you, but because she's really hurting your kids. She's taking out her own anger and frustration and using the kids to get to you, and that's not OK. Unfortunately, it seems to happen a lot. One of the best things you can do is to try talking to particularly the older ones and finding common ground. Perhaps think about situations they would understand and agree with that are analogous to what you went through. I'm a little brain dead at the moment so this isn't my best, but basically something that they can relate to that helps them understand your mindset... maybe the first thing is something like "I can imagine you're incredibly angry, and hurt, and feel betrayed right now"... simply to get them to open up about what they're feeling. And if you can do that, simply let them vent. Encourage them to tell you more about what you feel. Don't be defensive, don't contradict or try to correct them on anything... just let them get it out. And tell them that while you aren't in their shoes so you can't fully understand all of it, you do understand that they are feeling that way. Depending on how it goes at that point, you could try exploring the idea that it isn't that you don't love and care about your ex-wife, and you didn't have any desire to hurt her or the kids... but that with your wiring, you just don't feel connection toward women the way you do toward men. And also that the last thing you'd want to do is hurt them. Perhaps asking them if they've ever done anything they felt terrible about, but couldn't change. This is something that will take time, and unfortunately, a lot will depend on how much of a bitch your ex-wife wants to be. You might see if you could arrange coffee with her and ask her if, for the sake of the kids and their stability, you could create a truce. Sometimes that works... but sometimes all the spouse wants is revenge. If that's the case, it may just take time for the kids to understand, and you will have to just be as charming and helpful and supportive and loving as you can, in the face of contempt and being ignored... and hope that they'll eventually figure it out (which I'm pretty confident they will, as long as you stay in the picture.) The best thing you can do is keep talking about it here. There are a lot of other people here who have been in your shoes.
Thank you chip, the comment where you said "people like your ex-wife ought to be shot" that's exactly what I feel like doing, but we have to keep in mind that is not legal...lol. I am going to print your response and I am going to do just that, try to get my kids to vent. it might be what they need. please if you think of anything else let me know. thank you very much for your response.
Hello, adding to what Chip has already said (which is probably going to be the main thing to focus on) try your best to show them how good of a dad you can be. I'm not doubting your skills as a father, but sometimes having these things on your mind can hold you back. Play with them, maybe take the youngest on mini adventures and tell them stories or childhood memories. Maybe tell them about their family, I've found that just listening to my father brought me closer to him, so if they let you I'd strongly advise you to do this. I'm sorry if this is useless, and I wish you all the best.
I agree with a lot of what Chip said. Instead of feeling like your kids want nothing to do with you, imagining that you were once close and had a good relationship, look at it as them being upset and deeply confused. For kids, this is what I picture their mindset being in a situation like this: • If mom is angry and mad at dad, I should be, too. - she's so angry because he did something really bad to her and bad to us. • Dad is with a man, is this okay? People don't like that, so maybe I shouldn't either. Worst of all: • Why did dad lie to me? • Why didn't dad tell me? • Why didn't I get to go to dad's wedding? (this is of course all considering that they didn't know you were with a man and didn't attend your wedding). As Chip says, let them vent. Anger is usually built from fear and lack of understanding that comes out in frustration instead of coherence, but I believe anger begs for coherence! I think they're too young and wound up in their own crazy worlds (especially the teens) to properly explain their feelings in a constructive way. So encouraging and allowing completely honest (no matter how hurtful), open communication for them will be really helpful -- it's what makes kids (and most everyone) feel safe. I imagine that them thinking their father they once had a great relationship being such a "mean" guy is delving into that emotion: I'm confused, things are bad, I shouldn't be happy = I don't feel safe or stable. They may even be having trouble finding the right way to feel about things, causing more upset. I would sit them down in a quiet space, in your house, where other people aren't around so you can have a candid conversation. I would start off by apologizing and explaining that you understand if their feelings are hurt or they're feeling confused with everything that has gone on. Tell them that it hurts you that your relationship has changed so much, and iterate how much you love them. Acknowledge that their life has been changed, that you've done some things that were dishonest and not right to their mother, but that humans make mistakes. No matter how much you want to, DO NOT bash their mother. It will only add fuel to the fire she's created and ruin your credibility. Honesty, to a point: Make it an open environment to talk about you being gay. Explain, without too much unneeded detail, what your situation was (maybe you have a story of being in the closet) and how it led you to where you are now. I would even make it a positive and turn it into a learning lesson about being truthful to yourself. I don't know your backstory, but you can say that A, B, and C is why it's so important to listen to your heart and be true to who you are inside. There's a good possibility that this will be a long process for you and them, but if you remain consistent, love them unconditionally, be there for them, and continue to stay in their lives, when they can think more clearly, they won't be able to say that you did this horrible thing to them. Yes, the divorce and you marrying a man may be something they struggle with because it was a hard time and bad memory, but they won't think that YOU'RE a bad memory. Most importantly, seriously, do not bash their mother in front of them. YOU be the one who rises above the name calling and overt dramatics. It's understandable that your wife is very angry, but it certainly isn't a reason to take it out on the kids, or continue to take it out on you - especially after all this time. If you implement consistently being there and being the peaceful one, there's a good chance that they will have better understanding, feel better, want to be around you, and ignore their mother when she throws a tantrum about you. In the end, it is hurting you and the kids equally. I'd say them a bit more because they're not able to look at things with complete logic, or 100% from their own viewpoint. What will wind up happening is: 1. They continue to be angry at you for a long time, while you stay consistent in being understanding and loving, and eventually feel really stupid and possibly resent their mother. 2. They'll open up, you'll have a great relationship, they'll ignore their mother's bad mouthing. Of course, there are other things that can happen. Just stay consistent in loving them and being there for them as much as you can. That's all children really want. I wouldn't care if my mom wanted to turn into an alien (I would ask she seek some therapy, probably). She's always been there for me and loved me, even when I've been a total asshole, and that makes me always want to be there for her. I love her as unconditionally as she's loved me. And that's not to say she hasn't made some mistakes, but she's been there my entire life, and I love her and forgive minor things she's done now that I'm an adult and can understand the way humans work. Just give it time with them. I would consider seeking out a therapist and finding the best way to go about this if you feel that would be a good option for you. I also think it might be a good idea to try and speak to your ex on behalf of them. I would really ingrain that you're always going to be there for them and love them, and that she can say all the horrible crap she wants about you, but when they're older and realize there was absolutely no reason to hate you, she'll be the one feeling the wrath. Are they included in you and your husbands life?
Foxears and Yeahpidk, thank you for your comments, I will take all them into consideration, Yeahpidk, they are not in mine and my husbands lives, they know him because before they found out I told them that he was my friend (which I think that was a bad idea) then when they found out who he really was they turned on both of us. but thank you on how to start off the conversation. it is so hard for me to start a conversation like that cause I never know what to say. but I will follow both yours and chips ideas, and then do foxears idea. I knew that I came to the right place.
In this case, it's really tough, and you're going to have to put in a lot of work. From the perspective of your children, I imagine not being included in such a huge part of your life is incredibly hurtful, and confusing. I'm being blunt here, but I completely understand their anger toward you for doing something like that to them. You ruined some form of trust in you for them.
YeahpIdk: Yea you are right I did ruin their trust, so do you think that talking to them will be a start to making things better. I try not to bring up any of this when I pick them which is another reason why they give me the cold shoulder. Would you know if there is any organizations here in Houston texas that I can go to for lgbt? I have looked and cant find any, I know their is some, just haven't looked in the right places. I really appreciate your responses.
Hey there. I wonder if you checked out pflag in Houston or the Straight Spouse Network to see if they had any resources for the children of gay parents. It might help them to read about or be in contact with other kids in the same situation. Good luck.
Great advice here. If you feel like you can't speak to them before you speak to someone else who might make it easier to talk about, then I would do that. Do it soon, though. If there's one thing you learn in life, time goes by. Don't let their resentment continue to grow, or have them loathe seeing you because you're not addressing this huge @$$ dinosaur in the room. It's up to you to bring it up. Not them. Get some help. Figure out how to bring it up to them. And have help in place for along the way, speaking as a former kid who's great at holding onto resentment, you've got a deep hole to dig yourself out of here. Might as well start now! Good luck! Also, consider bringing this up in the Later in Life forum. I think you may get better responses and suggestions on how to bring this up to them/deal with backlash. I wonder, how does your husband feel about this situation?
YeahpIdk, I have emailed one of the organizations that Really recommended and they responded with a place and day when they have meetings so I will definitely be going. I hope they can help me talk to my kids. that's a good idea to take this to Later in Life forum, I will do that as soon as I respond to you. well your question about how my husband is feeling about this. he supports me that's for sure, he understands when I go visit my kids and he cant go. but most of the time when I do go he works so I don't feel as bad. he does see that my ex is being a witch & he wishes that he could do something to help. I feel bad for him because he has to see me like this that's why when I am with him I put all my attention to him, I have series that I see on tv so I record them and when he is at work I watch it so that I can put my complete attention to him, and I try not to bring up my situation too much so that it doesn't interfere into our relationship, but when I need to vent I know that he will be there at my side consoling me, he is such an amazing guy for that. and that is why I love him so much.
I personally know a couple of good LGBT affirming therapists in Houston, one of whom works a lot with relationships and communication. Let me know (PM) if you want a referral.
