I don't really know how to describe it, it's just a niggling feeling that's rearing its head again today. I feel pretty unenthusiastic about things. I go to uni, I'm doing well in my course so far, I've got myself involved in a couple of societies such as the student newspaper, volunteered on open days. But I still feel... adrift, on some level? It's true that I'm doing well in my course. But I don't really work hard at it - I know how to put in a good essay or exam, but more often than not I'll leave it pretty late, just do what I have to to get the mark I want, and treat it more like an inconvenience than a chance to express my opinions and really learn. Outside the course, it's a similar story. Periodically I'll have a passing wave of interest in something, but I'll engage with it quite superficially, lose interest and move onto the next thing. I don't settle on anything or take the time to get good at it. I have very little patience or persistence... or passion. I can get interested in things, I just never stick with them. I don't know... I want to be an engaged, accomplished person but when it comes down to it I shy away and end up not being motivated for anything. And then I'll just devalue myself or get jealous of others which gives me less motivation to challenge myself or find an interest and it's a cycle. It seems all I'm consistently interested in/good at is food, drink and maybe essay/article writing. It doesn't do much good for my self-image, since I'm afraid that if people dig under my surface deep enough they'll find nothing of interest. Not sure why this is... I'm afraid of failure and criticism, so maybe that's part of it... but also I just can't seem to find the desire to do anything? Anyway sorry for the vent, I just feel in a bit of a rut and can't work myself out. And starting to feel unfulfilled. Thoughts/experiences appreciated as always :/
I experience similar issues. In my case I think it is because of persistent low intensity depression (talked to psychologist who said I'm almost certain to get the diagnosis, I'm yet to get one from a psychiatrist). My depression on the other hand stems from my problematic childhood and emotionally abusive relationship to my parents. Can't say if this the case with you but just giving you a point to reflect to.
I can relate with that. One moment you're really immersed in something, then you just stop caring about pretty much anything. No motivation to speak of, so you just move on, waiting to be ''re-charged'' by something. It's kind of floating away from day to day, not truly appreciating your surroundings, and losing interests in things that should be exciting. You need to find something that will bring your spark back.
Thanks for the replies. Euler, I don't think it's depression, or anything to that extent - I guess it's just a feeling of confusion/frustration as to knowing myself, what I value and where I'm going. A fairly persistent one, which can put me in a bad mood if I let it run for too long or something causes me to reflect on it, but it doesn't seem like depression. Regardless, it's a sensible question to raise, and thanks for sharing. Typhoon, that's a pretty good description actually. It comes and goes in cycles, I'll either be interested in something or sufficiently distracted to not care a great deal, and then after a while a time like this will come up where I'll feel pretty disinterested/unmotivated/unsure and concerned about it.
Just want to add that depression does not always look like depression. For instance in my case it shows itself as lack of interest in doing anything and not taking interest in the stuff that I used to take interest. Not being able to get excited about anything anymore and not being motivated in doing anything. Actual sadness and anxiety show up occasionally perhaps once or twice a year for a few weeks but other than that there is no symptoms. You are the best judge on yourself so I can't say it's depression in your case.
Self discovery and not knowing what you want are normal in life. However let's analyze your situation some more. 1.) do you have any interests at all? Like long time hobbies? If you do, are you losing interest in them? 2.) are you in a routine? That sometimes brings on these feelings. 3.) are you getting physical exercise? That alone brings out endorphins and you sort of feel proud, even if only a little when going to the gym. Joining something more serious like say crossfit/boot camp style training as well as karate or martial art will really teach you self worth and how to handle hard situations (someone trying to punch you in the face is hard to deal with, other things should be relatively easy). 4.) depression comes in many subtle forms. You may honestly be depressed, not so much you cannot function, but that things ... Let's say "lose their edge" for a lack of better description. Look into that as well. I have similar light bouts of depression following a crummy day. They stick around for a bit but then go away. I haven't had a major depressive episode in years. But I get what you are saying and really think you shouldn't discount that.
Hi Kasey, thanks for the input - some good questions there. Well, I do have interests I guess... it's just that it's never long before I ease up and/or lose interest in them. There hasn't been anything that's held my interest for more than a couple of weeks in... well, quite a while. Your point about routine might have something to do with it. I do try to keep myself occupied - I do a martial art, I'm involved in my student paper pretty extensively, and I exercise. I do get a buzz when I'm having a good day in one of these departments. When I've got uni work, or I've had a long day on campus, though, I often come back home and "shut off" - I'll tell myself "there's that book I wanted to read..." or similar, but end up basically vegging out. I think the main thing I've noticed is not that I can't develop interests, because I can be interested in things. It's more that I can't develop or maintain an interest beyond a very temporary, basic level. Typically I will lose interest, get easily frustrated with lack of progress (I have a few perfectionist tendencies which might play into that), look at something else and never pick up what I started before again... I imagine you get the picture. After a certain point (quite soon) it doesn't seem as rewarding and... yeah. It's like I can entertain the idea but can't engage with the actual experience of really acquiring a new hobby/skill. So my interests are for the most part quite passive. So, yeah... idk if I'm just naturally dispassionate or lazy or what, but I feel pretty uninterested (and as a consequence, uninteresting) compared many people I see.
Seems like some soul searching is in order. And whether or not you are truly suffering from mild clinical chronic depression or not, speaking to a therapist never hurts just to get your head on right.
