The thought of jumping out my building caused my stomach to flutter and my mind to get away from me but I felt guilty about not leaving my estranged daughter a note at least explaining why I had jumped out of an eight story building. I went on line and googled, “latent homosexuality” and read the words “Possible OCD” and somehow I got to “HOCD”. It happened one day about thirty years ago in a medium security prison when I was 23 or 24 years old. I am 54 years old. I was two years into a fifteen year sentence for which I eventually served ten. I was in the yard playing dominoes and happened to glance at two black guys walking the yard. One had a huge penis which you could make out through his sweats and “Yummy” popped into my mind from out of nowhere. I bowed my head and walked away from the game. There was no doubt in my mind I was turning gay and I made a vow that I would kill or die but I would not be gay. My hyper-masculinity kicked in and in no time getting into trouble landed me in a maximum security penitentiary with lifers and institutionalized inmates who raped and killed at will. Two years later I was shitting bloody diarrhea and the prison medics told me I had colon cancer and I couldn’t be happier. From Leavenworth, Kansas they put me on a bus to Terre Haute, Indiana then to Lewisburg, Pennsylvania; Atlanta, Georgia; Texarkana, Texas and to my destination of Springfield, Missouri less than 200 miles where I had started from. Since I was maximum security, I had to spend 24 hours a day, seven days a week for the six or seven weeks locked up in isolation. I fantasized constantly about killing one or two sexual predators before cancer took me and I somehow felt temporary relief from shame of my thoughts. When one of the intrusive thoughts (I had no idea they were intrusive then) popped in, I’d isolate—no pun intended—inside my head and I’d cuss at God (I’m not very religious) angry at Him but not for giving me cancer but for making me gay. I spent another five or six weeks locked up in a prisoner hospital cell isolated waiting for a biopsy when I decided I was going to face my homosexual fears. I deliberately thought, “If I’m going to be a faggot anyway, I might as well get used to having some big ass ni**er up my ass.” (Sorry, I’m a white Colombian Latino and the word “ni**er” is not meant to be racial in any way). The thought was so absurd that I felt immediate relief as if a truck had been lifted from my shoulders and right then and there I knew that I did not want to be gay. I cried and cried in isolation for two weeks begging God not to take my life and one day they took me back home less than two hundred miles away to Leavenworth, Kansas. I was there the same day. A few weeks later medics told me I had ulcerative colitis and that I would live. The thoughts, however, never left me completely and there were also feelings. There would be a sensation like a faint tingling around my lips and I was sure “gayness” was going to overtake me and if my butt felt “loose” I was certain that it was my body changing to more rounded curves and I was sure it was affecting my walk. I would go “run it off” in the yard or go out and play handball which I was very good at until my walk and my “loose” butt got back to normal. I would not look at my penis when I masturbated and I would wipe my butt with my left hand thinking I could somehow prevent some stimulation that would trigger a feeling that would surely turn me gay. It was terrible but somehow I got through eight more years of prison but always walking on egg shells and going into panic every time a homosexual thought or feeling popped into my mind and I’d go berserk anytime anyone insinuated or made sexual advances at me. I think survival took precedence over anything and getting “punked” inside maximum security was pretty much a death sentence anyway, especially during the eighties with the AIDS epidemic. In retrospect it was a daily struggle to keep my sanity. There was never a sexual encounter during my ten years in prison. I got out, got married, had kids, got divorced and had a few girlfriends all within a span of twenty years. Life has been good and life has been hell and I had no clue why. All my relationships ended with none of my exes talking to me. I can’t form intimate relationships with women and I can’t form friendship bonds with men. The fear of slipping into homosexuality is ever present causing me panic and forced isolation. I have said, “fuck it” at least once or twice every year and I’ve had my penis sucked by gay men at times becoming violent in my drunken states. Every time the guilt and shame got worse and I couldn’t understand why but I always ended up back to normal. Many times I just wanted to end my life. And this is where I am after thirty years of hell. I had been dating a girl for a year who is very open minded about sexual matters and little by little she encouraged me to bring out my sexual thoughts and fantasies. I’d been fighting this thing for thirty years and opening up to my girlfriend for the past year made me confident that I might be at least bisexual. Two weeks ago, my open minded girlfriend dumped me for the very same homosexual thoughts she had encouraged me to bring out. I couldn’t believe it; she was my safety net and I felt betrayed. One week ago I contacted a very feminine transsexual and decided to get this conflict over with and make the life changes I needed. “I would at least be happy and stop fighting with myself,” I thought. The person was nothing like in the pictures. With high heels, He/she was at least ten inches taller than me (I'm six feet tall) and was huge though proportionally a woman. I got home disgusted with myself and for the first time ever jumping out a window seemed a possibility; it seemed welcoming and a cure for the pain and confusion...(I'm also in court to see my boy who's alienated from me so my problems aren't just HOCD) but I had to explain to my daughter, at least. It’s been three days since I took the first on-line test for HOCD and have taken a few more since and I get close to 100 percent on all the tests I’ve taken. I withheld this information from at least five or six psychologists too embarrassed to mention anything and because I was feeling “normal” for most of the time. I had taken many psychological tests were “intrusive thoughts” were mentioned and I always clicked “no” knowing random thoughts never popped into my mind—just the homosexual ones that didn’t count. I was sure my problems came from violence, drugs, alcohol, incarceration, abandonment, isolation and toxic women, to name but a few. On the other hand I can’t seem to shake the sadness and the pain for all the pain I’ve caused my ex-wife (my first relationship ever at 34 years of age), my daughter twenty years old who’s pretty much estranged, my boy eleven whom I haven’t been present for. I’ve been there for my boy but not present. How can I make amends to my parents whom I have blamed for somehow having raised weak children? There are so many people I’ve hurt and I am only now able to see this. But most of all, how can make amends to myself. I see a shrink tomorrow and I’ve ordered some books on OCD. I have not seen anything specifically for HOCD so if anyone knows of any or can recommend any books, I’d appreciate it. P.S. I’ve been sober for five years and have been doing twelve step work for five years now and I’ve only figured this out now. I’m grateful at least, to have some tools to help me recover from this demon but just being in this “coming out” community terrifies me but where else can I go.
First of all, welcome to EC To me it sounds you have deeper issues than just possible OCD. I think it is important you talk about all your problems with the psychologist/psychiatrist you will be consulting. Tell them the story you told us and that you have even contemplated a suicide because of this issue. I suspect you probably have some baggage from your childhood too which might be productive be process too. The reason why you haven't seen any books specifically on "HOCD" is because there is really no separate "HOCD". There is just OCD. Intrusive thoughts in OCD can come in different forms ranging from obsessive hand washing to thoughts about sexual orientation. There is no separate disease classification for different kinds of obsessive thoughts.
I agree with Euler that there are some childhood issues, such as abandonment and expectations to be "the man of the house" at a very young age. Emotionally absent father but these are issues I believe I've dealt with. And I did look over the HODC posts on this site. I guess it took me by surprise that there was such a thing. Just to be clear, I don't think there were suicidal thoughts or planning. It was just a "man, jumping out would be a relief". Maybe it's something, I don't know. Just knowing there is an explanation to what's been bugging me for thirty years has really helped and I feel much better. I've contacted that ocd clinic in Los Angeles and will Skype with a specialist and hope to get to the bottom of this. By the way my two brothers are gay so I have nothing against homosexuals and I don't remember ever having a homosexual thought until I was 23 or 24. Anyway, thanks for your help and hope to at least get some tool to deal with this. It's driving me crazy. It's ruined many years of my life already. I'm hopeful and I think at least I feel I'm heading in the right direction.
I'm no psychic so I can't say for sure but unless you have been to extensive therapy or have a very strong social support network I don't really think you have fully dealt with these issues. If nothing else, how you were treated back then still influences how you feel today and how you interpret people's behavior. Just because you don't hate your dad/parents doesn't mean that you have actually dealt with the issue. My mom subjected me to rather harsh emotional abuse. At the time I didn't even realize what it was. I never hated my mom and I'm aware of my trauma but I'm still not OK with it. It affects my emotions and social interaction in many subtle and not so subtle ways. I guess this would be consistent with OCD. Having intrusive thoughts of all kinds. I just got the impression you were serious from the opening paragraph of your first post.
My sister was last year diagnosed with OCD after having a HOCD episode. She too said about feeling suicidal, not through wanting to die but just because it was the only way she thought she could stop the thought. Like you she is not the slightest bit homophobic. She said she just felt like she didnt know herself, didnt recognise herself, because of the HOCD thoughts. She told her husband to leave her and take the kids, he didnt of course, but that is the degree to which it was affecting her. She went to the doctor after having not slept for days and he identified it as ocd. She was prescribed medication for the anxiety aspect of her ocd and has recently finished a course of cognitive behaviour therapy which has helped her a lot in learning how to dismiss her invasive thoughts. Good luck with your therapy, you will be fine
Thank you for your reply user123. It's a relief to have a possible solution. Thirty years of not knowing to knowing to second guessing myself to not knowing again and on and on is too much. If I were and I could be happy, then I'd accept my fate and try to move on. Man, I just want to be able to feel normal for a change. I do hope this therapy works for me.
