Therapy's ending & I'm terrified I'm falling back into my old ways

So I thought I was making great headway these last few months, feeling a little more able to push myself and a little less full of dread for the future, and perhaps even some hope. But in the last couple of weeks i've found myself losing momentum and feeling like I'm falling back into the same old mental habits and traps as before.

Part of this may be down to my therapy coming to an end very soon. I'll have had 40 sessions with a clinical psychologist by the end. I've been so, so fortunate to have had a psychologist who I've really felt comfortable with, and who I think has taken the time and patience to understand and acknowledge all of my issues, surrounding my depression, anxiety and coming out. I know it must come to an end, and I want to become dependent on therapy. For the final few weeks I've gone down to fortnightly sessions so that it's less of a sudden end when it finishes in 2 sessions time. But I've found myself in the last couple of weeks closing up more, slipping into my old way of being whereby my instinct is to hide how I'm really feeling, however uncomfortable that is.

I also find myself wishing I'd pushed myself more during the last few weeks to go out and meet people, or embarking on next steps at last. However, I'm still living under my parents roof, working in a job I don't enjoy, and still in touch with very few friends and people from my past. And not really properly 'out', although I suppose that's not really surprising given how few people I connect with day to day, and how I have next to zero gay relationship or sexual experience.

I'm aware how important it is to be patient with myself, and to show myself some compassion. Though I find it really difficult to balance my desperation for things to radically change, with trying to be patient and not come down hard on myself when I'm not making the progress I'd like.

I'm also still terrified of falling back into the levels of depression I've experienced in the past.
I suppose I'm writing this here to firstly try and counteract this feeling that I'm closing up and starting to hide more and more of myself once again. But also to see if anyone else out there has gone through depression and therapy of any kind, and how you've managed the transition into life after therapy, and not letting yourself fall back into old traps, and keeping hope alive?

 

Thanks, bingostring. I've got my second to last session this afternoon, so will definitely raise all this with him then. I suppose it's partly the fact that I've spent nearly 40 hours pouring everything out and addressing so much stuff with this psychologst, more than i've shared with any other person ever. So I feel quite strange about not seeing him again, given what I feel I've been through with him.

 

Hi both,

Thanks for your responses which, though I've not replied until now, gave me a boost when I was feeling low and stressed earlier in the week. Just to know I'd connected with and shared with someone my feelings, even if I was spending my days hiding my feelings from people in the real world.

You're right, therapy has been really useful and constructive, and I finally feel I've got somewhere with him. He is an NHS Psychologist, and unfortunately there's no scope for seeing him any further than my final session which is coming up after easter. Bit of background- when I first came out and sought help initially, 2.5 yrs ago, I saw my GP who straightaway prescribed anti depressants and put me on a waiting list for counselling. I did eventually get to see a counsellor for while, who was helpful for getting me to finally start talking and trying to open up. But a few months after that I had another low patch,and so went back to the GP who referred me for CBT. I stuck at CBT for a while as I know it's been useful to many people, but unfortunately i found it was increasing rather than decreasing my anxiety. It was only scratching the surface of my problems,and I felt worse because I already knew intellectually that my mind was catastrophising situations and being irrational, and CBT for me seemed to just reinforce this fact without delving into the more fundamental reasons my brain was being this way.*

Anyway, about 14months ago I had my biggest depressive episode since first seeking help, and my GP managed to get me on the waiting list for more specialised mental health services. Eventually I began seeing my current psychologist on a weekly basis. It was originally supposed to be for 12 sessions, but he managed to extend it, first to 20, then 30 and finally 40 sessions which is the upper limit of what he's allowed to provide. I know how lucky I am to have had such intensive input from mental health services, and I finally feel no stone has been left unturned in all of my issues to do with the past- he's gone over everything with me. Also I'm so grateful for the NHS - I don't know what Brazil has in the way of public healthcare,*PrsngHppnss8D, though I'm glad you've managed to access some therapy even if it costs you a lot.

I spoke to the psychologist last week about my terror of falling backwards into old ways and habits once I finish with him. He did make me realise how far I've come (for example, I'd've never thought, even a year ago, that i'd be freely sharing my feelings and struggles like I am on here, albeit anonymously). And he also said he thinks some form of group/peer support therapy might be worth looking into now, as I kind of know what needs to be done still, and I'm impatient to start making changes in my life, and the most important thing is that I keep being open and honest with myself and others and don't return to inside my shell where I used to exist.*
So I'm gona keep using EC, as I really do find it gives me a boost to share and be somewhat open with and get support from people like you both. And pluck up the courage to find and try some kind of group support maybe.

I actually also feel slightly emotional about the relationship it feels I've built up with him over the last year,through talking about almost everything, coming so abruptly to a complete end. But I suppose that's life. And it must be difficult for the likes of him, getting to know so much about his patients but never knowing what happens to them in the longer term.
Sorry for the rambling reply, and thanks for reading and replying (again!)All the best,Tom

 

Thanks Patrick. Sorry for the delayed reply.

I've had my final session now (which I spent a lot of in tears - though that's a progress of sorts. when I started therapy I was almost completely unable to express my genuine emotions to others). I'm really trying to keep talking and being open with people about how I feel. And I suppose honest with myself as well... I'm feeling quite low today, but I know that I've just had quite a full-on week, and have been storing up tension and anxiety for several days, so I was kind of expecting the inevitable come-down and feeling of flatness today.

Thanks for pointing me to London Friend. I actually went along once, over 2 years ago, in the month or two after i first came out. But i was in such a bad place myself then, and found it such a struggle interacting/socialising with anyone, that I left early and never went back. I think I will give it another go in the next few weeks though, now that I'm in a different place myself, and wanting more to branch out. I live in a town just outside London, but work there so travel in every day.

I think I need to keep writing more on EC too... it's such a help to be able to be open without fear of judgement.

Tom x