How did you get over people's opinions?

At 33, this is the biggest struggle ever. I have done everything. People's opinions penetrate me like someone stabbed my heart.

I'm just curious to see how you moved on from it.

One thing that makes my head spin is contradictory opinions on my identity and mixed messages with advice. Mind others, the following statements are from grown adults. For example, a very controlling woman in my life (i cut ties from her) complained that I needed to be more ruthless. She thought that I was too nice. But, when I stood up for myself or was honest about how I felt-I suddenly needed to be more diplomatic and needed to learn how to be more considerate of others. Huh? What are you supposed to be? People criticize you when you're nice, but people criticize you when decide to be not so nice. There were many other examples of this from that lady. No matter what I did, I was criticized. I was told to spend more money on hot sexy dresses, but then told that I'm bad with money and how most men wouldn't marry me. I was told to hide my feelings to avoid looking needy, but then I'm complained for being too private, but then shamed for sharing my opinions and feelings.

Another confusing opinion is how some people make jabs at my sexuality. I'm a single woman, so some people might assume that I'm an uptight prude (I have been told this). But, when people ask me nosy questions about my sex life and I tell them the truth...I'm suddenly easy and low hanging fruit. One example is when a married woman told me, "you're gay, because you never talk about guys!" When I told her I was seeing someone, she then called my guy a loser and how I didn't wait long enough to have sex.

I am just really confused by people in general. Are there such people that don't feel the need to dictate who you are and what you do? I also don't understand when people criticize me, they do the exact same thing? The woman telling me how I needed to be more diplomatic ironically thought it was okay to say mean things to others. Why do other people get to do what they want, but I have to fit someone's box? All I can think of is that I'm quiet, reserved and look very innocent. So, maybe that's why people think that they can waggle their finger. I don't know.

For the record, it's not like I'm some helpless victim that needs to be micromanaged. I have a good job . I have my own place. I go on dates. I'm in good health. I know how to ask for help. I just don't know what it is about me that people want to fix and control. I just want to be who I am. I like being sweet and polite, without having someone tell me that you need to be a "bitch". I like expressing my emotions safely, without someone telling me that no man is going to marry me.

I don't know if this makes sense. If anyone can help on how they stopped allowing people's opinions to drive you crazy, I would be delighted.

 

How do you get to that point? I have already done so much therapy and reading. It's like my body is reacting physically to the comment. Trust me, I have tried to change myself to please others and avoid criticism. It doesn't work. Once I do one thing, someone else is going to fuss about another thing. If I be myself, that invites people to still nitpick and "offer help." Being single, I have had so much unsolicited feedback on what I need to get a man and keep him.

 

I don't tell people my sexual orientation either. When I mention the term "identity,"I am talking about people that comment on my personality, looks, and any other perceived differences. It's just that when some people demand to know such personal information, I don't know how to lie. I would be rich for every person that told me that I'm too secretive or hard to read. I've only opened up to people to fit in, like talking about guys just to avoid being seen as weird. Opening up about your life and who you are invites judgment.

 

Yes, my coworkers are supportive and professional. They don't make such dictating and condescending comments. It's usually people that aren't cultured or experienced, who make these comments to me. I get that not everyone has the ability to be open-minded.

I agree that I know myself best, but others have claimed to know me better than myself. The female friend that called me gay told me, "I know you're a lesbian. You just don't know it yet. You don't talk about guys." Huh? How does she know what goes on inside my body? I told her that I have dated men and enjoyed my time with them. That's not being 100% lesbian.

Or, how about another married woman that told me that I would be single forever bc I'm not skinny enough? Or making me feel crazy just because I like having curves?

Sorry, I'm rambling. I just find human beings and their paradoxes difficult.

---------- Post added 7th Mar 2016 at 11:44 AM ----------

Any ways, I will figure out. This is not fun and very draining.

 

It's hard when they act like they know it all though.

 

Thank you. This was very helpful. I've been a chronic people pleaser all of my life.

 

I do have since nice people in my life luckily. It's good to meet someone else that's in the same age range as me, that struggles with critcism. I wonder if it's linked to bisexuality. Identity struggles are so huge.

 

It has been hard though, when people that make such criticisms are saying "I'm just trying to help" or "You should know your flaws, so you can work on them." I have found that some of the criticisms that I've received to be inaccurate.

Regarding being single, I've met quite a few straight women in my life that claim to be the experts on men and relationships. Who knows what's going on behind closed doors with their relationships....Talk is talk.

 

You just gave me an idea on doing something meaningful and possibly meeting other like-minded people. I will look into that!

Standing up for myself can get confusing. I do feel guilty when I react back, because then I get seen as a bitch. That's one con when you're a nice girl. All of that pent-up rage comes out when others least expect it.

 

I'm back to square one, especially when it comes to making people me feel crazy. Has any bisexual woman on here been bullied by other heterosexual women?