I have a lot of difficulty calling myself a lesbian out loud. I think it may have to do with some internal shame, or fear that others may not take me seriously, or may be uncomfortable. Most people who know me closely know that I am married to a woman, but I have only been out for less than two years, so it is still fairly new, and I am not used to being so open, even to myself. I haven't even told everyone at work, but I think that most people do know, and I am not keeping it a secret. I just wish I could be more open. I feel like a coward, or maybe it is something that I have trouble accepting about myself still. Did anyone else go through something similar, and how did you get through it?
I think it gets easier the more you say it. I've been practicing in the mirror and with the dog. Do you have a pet or house plants you could practice on? It really works. (I'm not being funny.)
For those of us whose drug of choice is denial, honesty can be a very challenging thing to get used to. It's especially the case for a super-truth like sexual orientation. The thing is, you like hiding. You are good at hiding. You are not used to being honest to yourself about this and when you try, it doesn't feel very good. Accept that this is hard and dish it out slowly to yourself over time. One day, probably when you were about to think you will never feel any differently, you will run right smack into a really wonderful experience as the last vestiges of the oppressive burden of all those years of lying finally give way to truth. Honesty sets you free. Make it happen.
Thank you. I suppose I should practice to something nonhuman. And you're right, Monraffe, I need to forgive myself, face myself, and allow myself time to adapt.
Is it that you don't like saying the word lesbian or just any way of declaring your sexuality? The reason I ask is because a friend of mine hates using the word lesbian so she just says gay. If you feel uncomfortable with actually telling someone your sexuality then that isn't really very uncommon. There is usually some awkwardness because you don't ever know how the other person will react or how they will perceive your disclosure. You said that you think most people know but you haven't told them. Why do you need to tell them then? If it's just to avoid a tense atmosphere for example just mention your wife more often in conversation to let people know that you're not hiding your sexuality but it's not something you feel you need to advertise.
Its so difficult to say because it sounds so hateful. I've heard it used so often as a derogatory term or slur that it just permanently has a negative connotation in my head.
