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life a mess right now

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by ECMember, Mar 14, 2016.

  1. ECMember

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    My life seems so a disarray, feels fucked up right.

    I seemed to have too many different things happening at different angles.

    1. I just was arrested with a friend of mind. I don't need to repeat the whole story(but if anyone follows me or reads my post, then feel free to find that post).

    2. I'm in graduate school trying to "make a name for myself." I'm trying to study my ass off, try to win the respect of my peers. I mean these so-called peers really for the most part are too independent on their own and their schedules don't click with mine. For the most part, I hardly consider anyone in my graduate program a "Friend." I mean there are people I talk to, but I don't consider anyone a friend in my department and that's kind've of sad. I mean, I've had drinks with some people in my department a few times last Spring but I didn't consider them friends.

    I've distanced myself from a few people in my department(I'm a history grad student) after some embrassing moment I had with them. I was with some history honors society(honor frat) one Thursday night last fall. It was some opening meeting, I had a few beers with them. This one girl I liked named Sarah was there. And I was just trying to get to know her. At some random moment while I was sipping a beer and just chilling, I had partially overlooked that she was texting some shit about me that hurt me that said something something something "this creppy guy in my class..." And that didn't take a PhD Harvard Prof to assume that she was referring to me. So I felt like a giant stab in my heart because she and I would talk before class, we had no problems. But the fucking bitch had to talk shit about behind my back. Fucking bitch right. So anyway, it hurt me emotionally and I just increased my drinking that night. I may have flirted a bit with her and wanted to buy her some drinks. I had distanced myself from the people in the history honor society from that point on. I did talk to them in class because it was professional and the right to do, but I didn't really ask them to go out with them after that incident. None of that has brought it up nor did they say, I can't hang out with them. The whole subject just seem to be dead. Then again, I see on Facebook posts some girls I had graduate courses with post pics of themselves at bars or going to bars so they aren't all upstanding good girls like they present themselves.

    At times, I feel estranged from people in my department despite being nice and polite to people. I feel like a borderline loaner/loser/pathetic guy at times. I just feel like that. And I wish people just wanted to be my friend that's all.

    I try so hard to participate in discussion so people won't assume I'm a Mexican or some dumb Mexican. I strive so had to claim some "Whiteness" because I've felt so strong to not identify as Hispanic but claim some "Whiteness." At times, I identify as Chicano or Hispanic. But I do desire some "Whiteness."

    I feel conflicted about my ethnic/racial identity. The past 5 or 6 years in college, I just felt inferior for being a lower class Hispanic/Mexican American. I just feel inferior/envious of my middle/upper class White friends or peers. It's just bothered me that I compare myself to people in terms of class/race at times. I mean race as a construct doesn't bother alone but just added with class, it does you can say.

    i feel comfortable talking to people who are near my "level" in terms of socioeconomic standing. I haven't really found White friends that are mostly of them are "above my level"(class) and I've felt inferior within friendships.

    And the whole inferior feeling had happened when I attended a private college in Dallas-Fort Worth called Texas Christian University(TCU) from 8/2010-12/2011. i just stood out for being Hispanic and lower class. There was just indirect segregation and no one really try to help me out. I stood out. There was some friends that were White but I felt somewhat inferior to them and I wasn't sure if there were really my friend or they felt sorry for me because I was some low class Mexican. Then again, people were nice to me. But at the time, my head was so fucked up because I wasn't treating my mental health problems that were growing and growing.

    I struggled with adjustment disorder in college at a really bad time in my life. I was near poverty during the tail end of my high school career and starting college. So poverty was maybe one factor why I didn't want friends to come over to my house. I felt that my poverty status would have been something to be made fun of. And top of that, the chaos and dysfunction of having a father with PTSD and random arguments between my parents I dealt with.

    I've dealt with adjustment disorder, anxiety, depression through high school and college. It took a while to actually address it.

    I mean at TCU, I never really told anyone that I was struggling to fit in during the first weeks as a freshman. I just saw people being happy and making memories but I felt like the pathetic piece of shit Mexican that was poor and lower class caste :tears: :tears::tears:

    I was envious of the White boys and girls that were preppy and more wealthier than me. I wanted to be White so badly. i felt like the only way I was ever going to get Whtieness, was fuck a White chick. If I fucked a White chick, I would claim some Whiteness of sorts. I don't know why I said that for, I was so fucked up in my head. I really wanted to fit in and wanted Whiteness. I wasn't sure who to talk to for advice. I felt embrassed about being poor and Hispanic because everyone wasn't poor or Hispanic. Most people were somewhat in the middle class to upper class range and were White. I just felt like I was in some post-colonial plantation rather a college.

    The whole experience just made feel bitter about being Hispanic and made anger that I wasn't White. At times, I felt resentful towards White students because I was poor and Hispanic. I did experience some indirect discrimination by some White guys that wanted me to be their a-typical token Hispanic friend. And I didn't like they acted way too fraternalistic/paternalistic it was a little odd They would mess with me and then I would hate it and then act nice. I was getting tired of it. It seemed borderline fraternal/paternalistic I was getting tired of it.

    I was tired of the mistreatment I was getting by White people and it was bothering me. I wanted some respect and I wanted Whiteness.

    ---------- Post added 14th Mar 2016 at 09:37 PM ----------

    In addition I have other things bothering me.

    3. My struggle with my sexuality. I'm unsure if my straight or bi or gay or what. Like I've said I've felt like I've had feelings for close guy friends for a while. Though I do like women. I've masturbated over women or girls near my age. I've masturbated thinking about close guy friends. So it's confusing. I haven't had sex with a girl yet. I've had some sexual experiences with guys but it's been recently.

    I haven't had anal or oral sex with a guy just mutual masturbation(hand jobs) and cuddling. I don't know if I trully lost my virginity or not. It's confusing. I have had 5 sexual encounters with guys I've met off a "hook up" app that live near my university. And they have been younger than me. 18-21. But I've seemed to drop my standards of getting with a White, 18-21, blonde, young looking guy. I haven't found one yet.

    Then I have the "whole rebound crush" I had with Edmond. Now since the arrest and everything, I feel like I have to replace him now. I really want to find the youngish looking, 20-something, upper class, White guy to be with. I mean, I was so close with Edmond but shit just hit the fan to bad.

    I mean, if there was something just like Edmond that didn't drink or didn't drink at all but upper class and White and young looking, it would be prefect. I want someone to at least support me and care for me. That's if I was the youngest in the relationship.

    If I'm the oldest, I would like to support my "Bro-partner"(this is a cheesy phrase I know) as much as i can. Support them any way I can. I somewhat did that with Travis. The roles were switched with Edmond though.

    I don't know. Did I see Edmond as a friend or lover or a combo of the two. It's confusing to understand.

    Another qualm I have is the issue with alcohol. I'm unsure if i should be sober or not be sober. At times, I can control my drinking and times I can't. I tried the whole AA and that shit. Times I love, times i hate it. I am or have been part of the college recovery at my college. The director here is a nice guy with 12 years clean but he has a hard on way too much about recovery this and recovery that.

    He's aware of my backstory with Travis, I came out to him about the whole "bi thing" with Travis. He doesn't judge me for being bi or nearly bi or whatever. He knows Travis's backstory because he sponsored Travis before going to college. And he had some vibe that Travis and I were using and going to meetings; he feels that we had a co-dependent relationship. And he wasn't really surprised that Travis and I were a bit too close. It wasn't sexual it was just we just smoke and drank way too much plus wrapped with affection/platonic feelings. It was confusing. And added to the factor, Travis was 18-19. I was 22-23 when we met. My maturity level seemed to stop at 18-19 when i started smoking weed/drinking for the first time, that's why I felt so comfortable hanging around with Travis and his friends than people my own age. It was because my maturity stopped at 18 or 19, and I didn't find anyone in my own age inviting to me let me state.

    I'm unsure if I have a mental health problem that needs to be addressed more than substances. I mean is it the mental health(emotional) part or the substance part. The alcohol/drug counselor that is the direct of the recovery center wants me to acknowledge the substance abuse side first then the mental health side I'm confused what to do with it.

    Other things that bother me: I don't have a girlfriend, I haven't had a girlfriend. I feel bothered when people brag about having sex with X number of girls and such. I feel less of a man when people talk about their sexual exploits it makes me feel emasculated and lose masculinity. I feel that masculinity is tied to whiteness. I feel like fucking 10 White girls is to prove I'm a "man" and claim "Whiteness." I feel that since I haven't had sex with a girl yet, I don't feel like a man.

    I'm confused on things.

    I wished I had a good paying job but I don't.

    My current GPA in grad school is 3.26 but I feel like a fucking dumb ass compared to everyone in my department.

    I feel like a loser at times that I don't have a lot of friends and most people i know are "in recovery" but I keep jumping in/out of recovery then finding people I meet briefly at bars or parties and such or "hook ups" on hook up apps. My life seems to be going too fast for me too catch up.

    I mean, I didn't like college when I was 18-22 but I'm 24 pushing to my mid 20s. I wish I could be a freshman again because I hated that time. I feel like I hated that time period again and want to do it again as i look back.

    I want more friends, a girlfriend or good boyfriend or a good relationship. I want a better job and more money.

    I just feel like my life is going by so fast for me too catch my breath on the speed of things.

    I feel fucked up in my head with my emotions.
     
  2. AKTodd

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    Hm. Reading through your various points, and boiling down to the parts that jump out at me...

    1) I really really think you need to stop the drinking (and the drugs if you're doing any). That right there is likely playing a role in your issues. I think if you can get to know people and socialize while stone cold sober, you will ultimately have a better time and more positive outcomes.

    2) You also need to let go of the whole focus on not being white and on 'money and class'. So, you're not white - that doesn't matter and anyone who would judge you on that, rather than the content of your character, is not worth your time. And money really says little or nothing about what kind of person someone is. And 'class' even less so. I've known wealthy 'upper class' people who were complete messes.

    You say you want to have more friends - but then you seem to put up issues of money and class as barriers to getting to know people. You are kind of shooting yourself in the foot here.

    You are apparently a highly educated intelligent guy. I'd suggest being yourself and trying to let go of the issues (possibly with some professional help) that seem to be making you so unhappy.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd