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I'm sorry, I just need to complain for a bit

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by PlaidGlove, Mar 16, 2016.

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  1. PlaidGlove

    PlaidGlove
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    I see people talking about polyamory, I get sad because I fear that individualistic culture will just make it even harder to find someone who will truly love me for me, who will honor my needs as I would like to honor theirs and truly love them. I don't want to judge those who embrace polyamory in any way. I'm just scared that I will fall in love with someone again who will demand that of me when it is something that is incompatible with my needs, and then they go behind my back and cheat on me. It's happened before.

    I see people flirting with me and it makes me sad and fearful. I fear all they want is to use me for sex and attention and not give a shit about my feelings or needs as a person. Like they just want to take and not give anything back. Like they see me as an object to use and exploit until they're bored and then they can leave.

    I want someone I can trust with my heart. It's a fragile thing, broken many times over, more covered in scarred than unscarred tissue. I want someone who cares, who truly cares for someone else than themselves.

    Sometimes I try to get to know someone and fall for them, and they encourage me and play along and lead me on, and then later I realize it meant nothing to them.

    And when that breaks my heart, it's my problem, because everybody likes attention and I should have seen it coming and whatever.

    I just feel like so much of Western culture is so superficial and it really breaks my heart that all the idealism and romanticism is gone. No one seems to care about honor and honesty, communication and true intimacy anymore. Everything's supposed to be "fun", and when something or someone is not "fun" ("fun for ME") anymore, it's the bin for you. Like you're a product and the "consume before" date has expired. "Trust" has become a word I have to (literally) explain to people...
     
    #1 PlaidGlove, Mar 16, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2016
  2. FoxSong

    FoxSong
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    Keep your chin up - not everyone is like that. For some, they need to go through a stage like that before they can really handle being serious about someone. The key I suppose is to be upfront about what you want and for them to do the same so no one goes in with false expectations.

    But there are definitely those out there who believe being in an intimate relationship means something more than just 'having fun.' I've learned recently that for those of my friends for whom it is just about 'playing', it's fine for them - they can handle it. They engage with people who want something similar. For me - it doesn't work that way. I've tried. I realised that for me specifically, that feels like cheapening something that should be deeper. But to each their own.

    You will meet people with similar values to yours as well.
     
    #2 FoxSong, Mar 16, 2016
  3. FoxSong

    FoxSong
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    Keep your chin up - not everyone is like that. For some, they need to go through a stage like that before they can really handle being serious about someone. The key I suppose is to be upfront about what you want and for them to do the same so no one goes in with false expectations.

    But there are definitely those out there who believe being in an intimate relationship means something more than just 'having fun.' I've learned recently that for those of my friends for whom it is just about 'playing', it's fine for them - they can handle it. They engage with people who want something similar. For me - it doesn't work that way. I've tried. I realised that for me specifically, that feels like cheapening something that should be deeper. But to each their own.

    You will meet people with similar values to yours as well.
     
    #3 FoxSong, Mar 16, 2016
  4. PlaidGlove

    PlaidGlove
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    Thank you so much for your reply FoxSong!

    Your post was really helpful and thank you for being so kind as to respond to my rant. I think you're right, that some people just have different needs and others just need to go through a phase before they realize that they need something deeper too.

    Where do you go to find people who share your values?
     
    #4 PlaidGlove, Mar 16, 2016
  5. Seagypsy

    Seagypsy
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    Hey I totally hear you PlaidGlove! My life is exactly the same! I was brought up with values of honesty and caring but it saddens me that so many people in our society just want cheapo relationships where everyone is a commodity and not a person to be loved. (*hug*)

    The difference is very noticeable in my workplace. I totally adore a guy and a girl who are both Asian, they are Hindu and I could fall in love with them both - hey I think I already have!! They're just so much more genuine than many people from my own British culture (but I have been raised with the deeper values of Christianity rather than the shallow values of secularism).

    Interesting thoughts though, FoxSong, maybe some of them, especially those who aren't straight, are just going through a phase before they can be serious with someone. Maybe they're afraid of their true feelings which makes sense when you think about it, so they hide them beneath a less serious act?
     
    #5 Seagypsy, Mar 16, 2016
  6. idsm

    idsm
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    Hey PG, how´s it going?

    I promise you not everyone is like that. In fact, there´s quite a few of us! We are just more quiet and don´t get heard of all that much. :wink:
     
    #6 idsm, Mar 16, 2016
  7. PlaidGlove

    PlaidGlove
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    Thank you, everyone, for your support. I really appreciate it.

    Seagypsy:

    Maybe you're right. I see the same thing with Asian colleagues of mine as well. Hell, I've even found a stronger appreciation for profundity and depth among American colleagues. It's all so superficial where I am, and everyone's expected to just go along with it. Heartbreak is a point of shame now. Your own shame in addition to the pain you're already going through. Shame for being stupid or for not being able to not be jealous when the person you fell in love with chooses to be with someone else - whether it be sexually or romantically or both. To me the two are inseparable. And that's why it hurts so much when someone cheats or leads me on.


    idsm:

    Hey! Yeah not too good at the moment. Looking forward to a few days of rest. You're right, I know in my head that not everyone is like that.

    How am I supposed to find them then? :dry:
     
    #7 PlaidGlove, Mar 18, 2016
  8. idsm

    idsm
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    If I knew that I would get one myself, too. :lol:
    Don´t panic and don´t let it get to you. Just get out, meet people and eventually things will work out. Smile and be positive! (*hug*)
     
    #8 idsm, Mar 19, 2016
  9. FoxSong

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    I'll let you know when I meet her. :rolle:
    I like to remind myself though that I don't need to meet loads of them though, just the one.:thumbsup:
     
    #9 FoxSong, Mar 20, 2016
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