I don't know why I feel blue(depressed) as I type this post up. Looking back at the past week(read my past posts): getting arrested alongside my "bro-crush" for a drunk in public charge, dealing with the after shocks of that and other stuff coming up. I got positive things coming my way: participating in history conferences. I have a job at my college. I go to grad college. But I look at the negatives: I don't have a good paying job, I don't have a girlfriend or boyfriend, I don't have a lot of close friends. I have like an "in-between" being in recovery and not in recovery. I'm in/out of "the rooms" for a while just like my friends Edmond and Travis I've mentioned so much on EC. I feel head over heels for Edmond for the following reasons: 1. He's White 2. Upper class 3. Youngish looking. He reminded me of my first "crush" I had over 5 1/2 years back when I was starting college in Ft. Worth, Texas. This first crush was from an older upper crush WASP Northern VA(Virginia) family and he appeared to be colorblind/class blind at the time as I look back. I mean I compare Edmond to that guy than to Travis, because both of them were White and upper class and youngish looking. I felt depressed when I lost Travis, so I went back in my inner psyche for some "rebound crush" which was the mental image of my first "crush" from 2010. And when I first Edmond last November, everything seem to fall into place. We got along slowly and formed a friendship and chatted up through texts. The alcohol and everything just happen to fast from January of this year. He drinks more or less at the same level as I do or more. We've gotten drunk as skunks together and have had good/bad times together. When we do mess up, we do make amends and forgive each other. This is why I seemed to cling t him somewhat. He's always forgiving whenever I fucked up when I was drunk. And I did the same thing to him. He had drunk texted last week on a Monday morning(4am or 5am). I was working actually, then apologizes to me. He told me blacked out and made an ass of himself at a bar near his apartment complex. Last week he seemed pretty adamant about going to bars from Sunday night through Tuesday night. Then again, he would change his mind that he didn't want to. And then say, he did want. He claims he jokes around like to everyone. I know he's bi polar when he drinks and drunk and he's admitted that. Maybe he's bi polar or borderline personality. And we've had brief altercations(verbal/physical) when we drink. Like I've said, we've drank as much as each other. And I've alluded to the fact to him when I like at him, it's looking at a mirror. I meant, we drink as much as each other. It's a reflection of ourselves. At the moment, I feel like I "lost" Edmond even though we didn't burn any bridges from each other from the incident. We spent nearly a day and a half together through hell and back of a night of drinking, spending a day in jail together. We bonded briefly intimately drunk together, when we kissed while we were drunk. That's the highlight of the night for me. He doesn't recall that, but I do. That stands out. We didn't have sex, but I know we made out. The kiss adds to the whole clusterfuck of emotions I have for him. I love him, I hate him, I miss him, I want him back with me in my life. Because I feel like I had something, I had someone who showed me some affection through fucking up. And we bonded and had some commonality through own alcohol use and mistakes.
