I would like to say I'm sorry, as this is my second whiny self loathing thread I've posted today, and I generally like to limit myself. This is something that's been bothering me very much, however, and I can't ignore it. I want to make it clear right now that I am going to express exactly how I feel, and will most certainly offend somebody. I'm really dumb, and I can't quite describe why I have such strong issues with this without coming off as hateful to some people. Please don't take anything said here personally, I mean no disrespect to anyone. Anyhow, I am beginning to feel a bit like I'm attracted to girls too. This initially started with one girl in particular at school. I recently switched schools, and she's a friend I've made in my new district. She was very, very nice to me and we became friends pretty quickly. After that I met all of her friends and now I have a decent amount of friends again. It took barely a week before I realized I really, really like her. She's very butch and tomboyish, and at first I felt like I may have just considered her more of a boy than a girl. I will explicitly state now that I know for a fact that I like her in particular, I'm not sure about other girls though. I feel like a light switch just got turned on and I'm suddenly attracted to girls too. I feel like there are certain other girls I have similar feelings toward, and it's making me feel upset. A big issue I've always had with making guy friends is that I always get really shy and nervous around them, and as a result I was always very awkward and stupid with them. I still like having guy friends, but this was a problem for me. I am noticing myself getting that way with certain girls now too, especially my new friend. The bigger issue with this, however, is something that a lot of people might take offence to. At the moment, I find myself drifting farther and farther away from being able to establish emotional bonds with girls and women. Due to issues I've been having in the past months, I am somewhat disgusted with the idea of being attracted to girls as of now. I don't mean that to be offensive in any way. It's not an issue with women, it's just an issue with me. I fail to feel safe or comfortable around most women outside of my mom, my grandma, and my therapist. Even my new friend who I have for some reason developed a huge crush on puts me on edge simply because of how much her butch and masculine demeanor reminds me of the girl who drove me to attempted suicide recently. This is more bad timing than anything. A year ago, I would love the idea of being able to feel normal and find happiness with a woman, even if I was the more feminine person in the relationship. But after what I've been through recently, I just don't want to like girls. I know that might sound shallow, but it's true. I am put off by them and I feel dirty for potentially liking them. I don't hate women, but I am very inherently intimidated by them now. I can't begin to express how much worse all of this makes me feel about myself. I had a hard enough time accepting myself as gay, but the last couple of years I've been happy. I was glad to like boys. But now that's gone. I don't know what kind of response I'm hoping for, but you guys are so nice and understanding and I thought maybe you could help me understand my own feelings better. IDK. Again, I am terribly sorry if I offended anyone. I know this might have sounded mean, but it's my honest feelings and I feel that anything less would be dishonest of me and not present my situation as it is. I'm sorry if this sounded mean. Thank you if you read all of this, I know 99% of what I post on here is just me being a baby about my personal problems, but I don't know who else to talk to sometimes.
Remember that it's okay to be gay it's not a bad thing and if you are well it's okay sometimes it can take time to really know who you are and accepting yourself and it's okay you just need time to know yourself better and to accept yourself but have you asked this question to yourself : Are you sexually attracted to girls ? Like do you think of sexually things with guys or girls or both? You know you can like both wich is fine too. To be honest I'm the same as you I've always had difficulty make guy friends and it's like they hate me all and that I'm shy so I don't know how to act with them other then mean. Anyways even if you had some bad times it doesn't mean your not ready to be gay or that it's not the time. Sometimes it can be hard and long accepting yourself. So you should just not think about it too much (I know it's hard) but I mean it like you should just let it go and don't ask that question to yourself and you'll know it by yourself. Remember that it's only you that can discover yourself and that you have to be patient and it's not a choice you soudn't feel bad for it it's okay.
