Hi. I've been pretty upset as of late, but there's certain things that are cropping up and making me feel horrible about myself. I'm feeling like I'm starting to like girls, which is completely new for me. I know I still like boys, but honestly I don't want to like girls. I feel like I've been badly mistreated by most of the girls I have been close to outside of my family and my therapist. I'm making some new friends and most of them are girls, but I feel like I'm having issues with feeling a bit distant and distrustful of them. I know that probably sounds messed up or offensive, but that's how I feel. I kind of feel like being attracted to girls would validate certain things that have been said and done to me, and I can't even begin to explain how much those feelings upset me. It just gives me a very unclean and self hating feeling. I also feel like society has in a way conditioned me to feel that male on female attraction is somehow inherently bad or perverted or something. I know that's completely false, but I feel like the idea has been so forced onto me that I can't shake from relating negative feelings toward myself should I actually be attracted to girls. All of this just kind of piles up and makes me feel bad about myself. I don't know if this sounded redundant or anything, but most of what I post on this site is. Sorry.
Sorry you are going through a lot of shame. I've read a lot of what happened to you and I understand why you would develop these feelings if you were abused and mistreated by women. Another thing, is that, from your other posts I have noticed you are a bit effeminate (not a bad thing at all) and that "straight/bi" men aren't really allowed to act like such without taking crap for it. Gay guys get a bit more freedom since they are told that behavior is gay (so what else is there for them to hide)? Maybe this could also be a cause of your shame? And of course like you said, sometimes men being attracted to women can be demonized because of objectification (although attraction itself is not objectifying, and it might help to separate the two).
Thank you for understanding. It's very difficult to describe how I feel without coming off as harsh or judgemental or whatever. Honestly most of it is feelings I can't help, even if they are illogical. I just feel kind of bad because I generally turn most anger and agression inward toward myself, but when I feel so repulsed toward myself simply due to the possibility of maybe liking girls, it makes me feel like I am turning that anger outward. This really puts me in a difficult place because it makes me feel like I'm blaming people who have done nothing wrong for things that have happened to me. But yeah, the whole effeminate thing might be another part of it. I'm beginning to feel like most people assume I'm gay upon first hearing me speak. I have an extremely high and feminine voice, and I've even been mistaken for a girl on several occasions. I suppose I feel like the only time it's socially acceptable for men to break gender roles is when they are gay. I don't know if that's actually true or not, but I already get made fun of enough over it and I feel like that would only get worse if I wasn't gay. I'm not even sure if a girl would really want me in the first place anyway. I feel like masculinity is considered desirable in men, and I have less of that than most girls do. Sorry if it seems like I'm whining at you or something, but I think you bring up a good point. Thanks again for understanding.
You shouldn't feel dirty. I wonder if part of the confusion is that for the first time in a long while people are being nice to you and they happen to be girls. It can be kind of disorienting when you start associating with friendly people when you're not used to it. You feel yourself thinking, "OMG, they're sooo nice!", when, in fact, they're just normal nice but you're not used to it so don't recognize it. There's nothing wrong with liking them and wanting to be around them. They will make you happier just by association. And you certainly deserve that. There's no problem if you find you like a girl in a special way but I think if you do, you'll find she sticks out from all the rest. I can't tell from what you've written if this is happening. But liking them as a group is perfectly fine. They're your friends and you're supposed to like them and enjoy hanging around with them and supporting them and accepting their support when needed. Please don't let these new found friendships disturb you. Enjoy these new feelings because I think they might just be happiness.
There is nothing wrong with having feminine traits, there are many people, guys and girls, who find that very attractive.
Thank you guys for being so nice about this. I feel like whenever something I don't like happens I get upset with myself and often end up hurting myself. I'm doing a bit better now. I've managed to break my reliance on alcohol for emotional comfort, and I'm not as stressed. I have a 4 day weekend, so I don't have to go to school and see the people who are making me feel upset. I really like my friends and stuff, but right now I need time to myself. It's difficult to describe, but I feel like being attracted to girls in any way makes me feel almost inherently violated at this point, and really I don't have much motivation to figure myself out right now. Thanks again for being so supportive and understanding, you guys are the best.
