I can't even imagine how many times something like this has been posted and re-posted (which quite frankly is saying something huge about our culture), but I would really appreciate an outsider's opinion. I'm 21, working part-time in retail, still living at home, saving up for school (still). I have struggled with body-image and self-esteem for as long as I can possibly remember. I'm rather significantly overweight (by no means 400lbs, but a solid 280 or so.) I'm pretty much genetically predisposed to, at the very least, being stocky. I'm okay with never looking like a ripped magazine model, that's not who I am as a person anyway; I'm not necessarily feminine nor masculine, I would say that I am, for some people, "comfortably in the middle". I'm Italian, therefore covered in body hair... ...and I feel like a monster. When I first came out, I noticed that everyone was so overwhelmingly accepting, *especially* other gay men; it was like being welcomed into the best club in the world; until I tried dating. I have been in relationships, all of which very hardly count as such, being that they were so short. Recently, I've gained a little bit more wait, I'm a bit hairier than back then (we're talking about 2 years since I've dated anyone.) The weight gain and such mostly has to do with stress. I guess my question is for other men like me...those who fall a few inches outside of the window that the majority of the gay male community considers to be "touchable"...My question is, how do you not allow yourself to be swallowed up by the loneliness and isolation it creates? On top of that, how do you date? Because I have never in my life felt so disgusting and vile because of what other people say about me or the way they react when I approach them...I don't want to believe that I'm really that horrible, but after these continuous experiences I'm beginning to think I am completely and utterly unlovable. This is coming from someone who is also covered in scars from a battle with mental illness that is ongoing. I know this post is all over the place...I just want to know what about me makes me so untouchable to you guys? Is it the weight alone? Not successful enough? I just want to know that there are people out there who...for lack of a better term, don't think the only acceptable quality in a man is how hard his abs are or how big his dick is...
It is by no means the only acceptable quality. However, most people consider fitness (or at least a balanced silhouette) a necessary criterion in terms of health. Medicine agrees on this as well. Wanting a healthy partner, potential lovers are rightful to avoid what doesn't fit in that standard. Yes, it may not be fair, but you have to comply in order to end up somewhere. It might seem harsh, but this is how it is. And anyone who tells you different just tries to be polite. Okay, there MAY be people who don't care about weight, but why would you rely on that? Strive for the best chances. Why let your body stay in the way of your happiness? I'm urging you to start losing weight; at your own pace, but do it. You'll start feel better to all extents.
Unfortunately, that type of change will not happen any time soon. Another unfortunate; the militant behavior of gay men. The reason for weight loss should not EVER be to CONFORM. That is TERRIBLE, UNHEALTHY advice to give ANYONE, and I personally condemn ANYONE who does that. Weight loss, healthy living, should be done in regards to one's OWN HEALTH, HAPPINESS, VITALITY. NEVER TO CONFORM. That is asking to set off a bomb, especially among those of us who are mentally ill with a big factor being body image; yes, losing 100 pounds might make sense to someone who has never had to battle with anything more than acne, simple rejection, or not finding someone with a big enough dick; however, for those of us who have FOUGHT for our lives, undergone circumstances unbeknownst to militant d***s like you, you make that fight almost pointless. I advise you to educate yourself on mental illness vs. weight loss, as well as how to be a decent person. Thanks.
I understand how andimon's reply could be hurtful, but keep in mind that EC's code of conduct requires being respectful at all times. You sound like you're already knowledgeable on desirability politics and fatphobia, but it can't hurt to learn more about them. It's very unfortunate that societies tends to have narrow beauty ideals. Currently in the mainstream western world, being fat is seen as undesirable, and a character flaw. It's so ingrained in our culture that even the word "fat" is seen as disparaging. But being fat isn't bad. It doesn't make you a bad person, despite how strongly much of society believes it. It also doesn't necessarily make you less attractive. It does to the mainstream western world, but there is more to the world than the mainstream. I can tell with no doubt that there are people who would be no less attracted to you based on your weight, and some would be more attracted to you because of it. These are the people you want to find. I'm not sure how to go about that efficiently, but I think feminist spaces would be a good bet.
Hello again. I apologize if my post offended you but I'm not going to be sorry for my own opinion. I never militated for anything but health; read my post again and you will find that I made a quick equation between weight, health and people's need of health in their life. If you think you are perfectly fine the way you are I advise you not titling your further threads "Trying to be Beautiful". It might give people the idea that you actually want solutions or inputs. I never undermined your life experience, so please, don't do it to me. I am actually pretty familiar with the connection between mental illnesses and weight as I have relatives that are in this kind of battle. They fight both and I respect that. Otherwise good talk. (*hug*)
What I don't see is the poster's height or what he looks like. How do we know if he is as truly overweight as he feels? Being someone that struggles with body image myself, people may seem themselves as bigger than how others see them. What one person's idea of fat may be normal to someone else. The number on the scale doesn't always match how someone looks. I see nothing wrong with how he worded his thread. I think what he's asking is to find ways to feel better about himself and how to deal with the stress better. For people with body image issues, looks and weight become the first culprit to beat themselves up about. I don't think telling someone to lose weight is helpful either when they're feeling vulnerable. It's really up to the other person if they want to lose weight. If they are asking specifically for a solution on how to drop x amount of pounds, bring on the solutions.
OK, so you think you are overweight but that isn't really something that matters in the grander scheme of things. Being overweight and feeling overweight are two completely different things. Extreme body builders are usually overweight but they probably don't 'feel' that they are. If you feel fat it's generally because you have an issue with how you think other people perceive you, low self-esteem, unhealthy diet and lifestyle or a combination of each. Of course it could be that you have a serious eating disorder or BDD but that is something you should really discuss with your doctor for advice. When you feel healthy other people will notice and find that attractive. Do you feel healthy? I gained a lot of weight a few years back due to a miserable career and had to pull myself out of it through healthier eating choices and small exercise. I lost the weight which was great but I also felt so much happier and less stressed and I'd bet that you'd feel the same. Being hairy is a serious turn-on for some guys, personally I like men to be men, not plucked and preened like a prize poodle but as with everything it comes down to personal taste. The same goes for your scars. They come from a darker part of your past but they are still a part of you, a part of your story in a way. You shouldn't be embarrassed about your scars or hide them away. Remember something can only scar you if you survive it, scars are ultimately a sign of your current strength, not a remnant of a past weakness. Yes I'm a hairy guy, yes I have scars (for a number of reasons) but I wouldn't change it. When it comes to finding the right guy, I can't lie, I got lucky. I met a lot of men on the typical gay scene and rarely one that I was that bothered about but that wasn't where I met my partner. My point is that if you're looking in the wrong place then you're only going to find the wrong men. I don't know what is available where you live but have you considered some kind of gay social group outside of 'the scene'. Something where the common interest is an activity like walking, music, sports, creative arts etc. and everyone just happens to be gay. Even if you don't find your future husband there, you might make a friend who has a friend who knows an eligible guy, that just might be looking to meet a young hairy Italian guy with something more interesting about him than a six pack.
Some parts of the gay community could be very prejudiced. There are issues of racism, fem-shaming, etc to deal with still. I have never experienced this personally myself, but I've read and heard from other gay men that these attitudes are quite commonplace in their experience. I think the reason why I was immune to it was because I create my very own "bubble" or pocket of the gay community when I was dating, where I could feel love and accepted--by myself. I feel you must do this for yourself as well. You must learn to fall in love yourself in a profound way and have boundaries that hurtful, untrue comments cannot cross. Not only does this ensure you are more confident over what you have, but this also attracts other people who resonates with how you feel. Essentially finding people who would love you for who you truly are.
I *sort of* understand where you're coming from; I apologize for being so explosive and downright mean toward you, that was sort of uncalled for. The reason I was so angry, however, is that beauty, to me at least, isn't just a physical trait. It's an amalgamation of tons of different traits, a system of checks and balances if you will; I'm sure our definitions of beauty are probably completely different, which is just the nature of us humans. The title might be misleading, but the disconnect is where you think me wanting to be a beautiful person rests solely on my physical aspects, which is where we lose touch. I respect your beliefs, but I do not share them. The whole point of the post was really to get input from other big men on how they deal with fat-shaming, fat-phobia, and the overall literal hatred many of us receive from our body-normative peers. I understand that *not ALL men* think that way, but experience and a glance at any gay-oriented social network tells us that the overwhelming majority do. The ways in which I was coping with this prejudice were unhealthy, and I was merely trying to reach out for some support. As for weight-loss in itself; mental health is so much more than just feeling sad or struggling on any given day. For me, it's a constant battle of feeling not good enough or feeling like there are no other opportunities for me in this life. I would say that one day my goal is to "conquer" it, but you can't conquer something that is going to be with you every waking moment until your last. It's something that one has to teach one's self to live with, to work around, to take time to manage the symptoms, the mental anguish, and the physical symptoms that usually ensue with mental disorders. Weight-loss will come eventually, once the mind has stabilized, those types of long-term, lifestyle-changing goals can then be worked on, but when someone is unstable or going through a relapse, those things are impossible to work on when you can't even make small goals, such as getting out of bed or eating. In the past, I've gone to lengths as to calorie restrict to under 500 calories a day, in some cases none at all. I've binged and purged, taken laxatives, done 2-week liquid cleanses in order to find some results to quell my very unrealistic expectations that often come with distorted body-image. I have lost weight here and there, but unfortunately it is something that my mind can't handle for the time being, whether that's a choice or not, I'm not so sure. That being said, I appreciate any input, even if I don't agree with it; that previous post just struck me the wrong way, and I kind of flew off the handle with the, "Are you KIDDING me?!" attitude, without really giving it a second thought. So again, my apologies.
