I don't know if this is cliche but I'm miserable and don't know where else to turn

Let me start by saying I'm in my 20s, a guy, and gay, but have also experienced somewhat less intense romantic feelings for a couple of women in the past. I don't typically like to do this sort of thing as I don't define myself based on labels (gay, bisexual, any of them) and like to pretend I'm very strong and independent but am very insecure, down, and anxious all the time. In some ways I've had such a solitary and rough past that I would develop feelings for a robot or extraterrestrial being if it showed me even an iota of support or affection. I've truly lived my life almost wholly isolated and immensely unpopular.

However, when I was in high school, I finally made a friend who was and still is not only supportive of me in my times of need, but a loving, kind, caring, sensitive sort of guy. He was the first person I came out to and he kept it a secret for me, not even telling his family, though at the time I didn't have feelings for him, so I thought. Our friendship has gotten closer and closer, and after so many times hanging out, sleeping over his house with deep talks where we'd both support each other, affectionate hugs, vacations and live music experienced together, I fell really hard for him. With that said, as sensitive as he is, I'm 90-99% sure he's only interested in females. For some reason I just cannot let go, though. The only thing that makes me a bit hopeful that just maybe he and I could be a thing one day is that when I finally came out not just about being gay but about my feelings for him he assured me that nothing would change between he and I and he only felt bad that I have been so tormented. Beyond that, he still invites me places, I still invite him places, including long distances or vacations or whatever one might call them. He claims he just doesn't want to see me hurting. This individual gets depressed too and his self confidence isn't all there to my knowledge, plus he considers me a best friend too apparently, so hearing that he cares so much about my well being just made me feel like an a**hole for having these other feelings about him. At the same time, he really "gets" me, and is talking about spending what would likely be at least a week-long vacation with me when I temporarily relocate pretty far out of state, due to how much he cares and doesn't want to see me struggling to adapt to change as I'm known to do. I wholly appreciate his dedication, but would a straight friend do that? I guess I'm just confused. Aside from his very loving and embracing hugs I don't get all too physical of a vibe from him, but I believe based on our guy talks he's been too depressed to be sexual anyways.

I guess what I'm asking is this: Does this person sound straight? If so, I don't want to lose my best friend, and although he's claimed he'll always be there for me (I assume he meant as a friend), is there an easy way to detach? I am socially awkward and broken inside for other reasons, so the dating thing really isn't for me. I'm really just wondering if there's a way to restore his and my friendship to where we're just friends, without me having to move on from the friendship or find someone else. I ask because given how limited my social life is, I don't know if finding someone else is ever going to happen.

 

Re: I don't know if this is cliche but I'm miserable and don't know where else to tur

I greatly appreciate the advice. It's just hard, having never been loved in the way that I'm looking for at this point, to have a friend who also isn't shy to claim he loves me, but then claim he means that just as a friend. I don't want to tell him not to say it anymore because his caring soul is part of what attracts me to even maintaining the friendship, but part of me just thinks it's odd. Maybe it is because I don't know what's going through his mind, so I don't get it, but I experience such a dedicated friendship and immediately turn to love and romance and sex in my own brain.

At the same time, I appreciate the advice. I think part of this is because of the issues I've described with my past, with my insecurities, with my lack of self worth. I agree that if I work on my mental health (I unfortunately have been suffering from manic depression and anxiety which sometimes turns into paranoia, and have a bit of a temper, too) and sense of self worth, even if not with this person, new opportunities might open up. The logical side of me understands this. The side which actually gets romantically and sexually attracted to people to begin with gets hung up on certain people and fails to detach, though.

For what it's worth, though I have let my appearance go and more or less stopped caring or taking care of myself (getting fatter and fatter, haven't trimmed my beard in almost a year), it's not like I cannot appreciate my triumphs, when I'm reminded about them. I'm an aspiring musician. I'm just learning and just really do the blues and a few other things but I wrote a song the other day which my music teacher even claimed to enjoy. I've had many mild successes working in the tech world. Lately, everything just feels like it's crumbling to pieces, though, and ironically enough when I was doing my best I was so busy with work and occasional music practice and everything else that this best friend/love interest was entirely off of my mind. I didn't even see him much. He's since reentered my brain, and in the process I realize how much I care about him. I fear I've regressed in my professional life, regressed in my hobbies, regressed in my love life (if that were possible), and regressed as a human being, hence, my lack of confidence.

With this in mind, I will try my very best to take to heart your advice and just work on me, while ideally still keeping this friend around but without any hopes or expectations of love. He has a large social circle, infinitely larger than mine. Maybe I'll ask him to introduce me to some people, gay, straight, bi, or anyone, just to feel like I am a part of something. That would be a huge step for me to gain confidence working on my interpersonal skills, as in person, I am either very cold and introverted or come off as antsy and weird and eccentric, and struggle meeting folks. For what it's worth, this friend I mentioned in my original post was more or less my only friend back in my high school years, as sad and pathetic as that is. If all else fails, I'll keep pursuing studying music, look for more freelance tech work, force myself to get out and about more, just so I build my own level of confidence up to where I don't feel so insecure, insignificant, and worthless as I did for much of today.

Again, I appreciate the advice.