Hello EC! I think this is the right section for post. It's not really about coming out, it's not really about relationship advice. It's a combination of struggles and indecision I am facing at this point in my life. I apologise for the length of this post. I'm gay, I have always been and never really had trouble admitting it to myself. I am 21 and I realised I was attracted to men when I was 12. In hindsight, it is surprising to me how quickly and unproblematically I admitted it to myself. I grew up in Italy, where my whole family still lives, in a religious environment where homosexuality and sex are pretty much taboos. I have learnt how to keep my sexuality a secret and have been incredibily effective in my efforts. To this day I am still not out to any of the people I know in Italy. When I turned 18 I moved to London to study, one of the reasons also being my complete lack of romantic and sexual freedom back in Italy. As a result of this upbringing I have developed quite strong internalised homophobia which I only recently started to deal with. I have never had doubts about my sexuality, nor have I experienced self-hatred, but I have always regarded it as a private issue which should not be discussed. I have only come out to a handful of people here in London, and I have never joined any LGBT group or association, just because I still have a hard time accepting my sexuality as a normal part of myself, instead of a "thing to keep private". I am a very, very introvert person and generally only manage to make five or six friends every few years. I have also been very keen on my studies and have dedicated a lot of time and effort to my academic career. I am now a final-year undergraduate student and I feel like I have neglected my social life for too long. Because of my upbringing, a gay relationship would have been a big no-no while growing up. I have always wanted to make my family proud of me, and never wanted to "disappoint" them in any way. I know I will have to come out to them at some point, but I am still not ready especially because I am still financially dependent on them. However, I thought that moving to London would have helped in making my sentimental and sexual life easier. This has not been the case and to this day I have never had any sort of relationship nor sexual experience. Thinking about my first and second year of university I realise how much baggage growing up in a latently homophobic family had given me. I struggled (and still do) with telling people I'm gay, and never had the nerves to actively participate in LGBT events or groups. Together with a very timid personality, as this final year of university goes by, I feel like I have wasted a lot of time, have gone past the level of late-bloomer and neglected my social life focusing mostly on my studies. Most days I feel good with myself, I am working hard to make my dreams a reality and generally live a pleasantly solitary life (with a few friends I can count on and to whom I speak daily). Some other days, however, I feel like I should have put more effort into other aspects of my life, because, in all honesty, a part of me thinks being a 21-year-old virgin sucks. Some other days I struggle with my spirituality as well: I am still a practicing Catholic and I've always had to negotiate this with being gay. Some days I am more successful than others. I have considered approaching my university counselling service -- just as much as I have considered joining a dating site. Sometimes I think not having kissed a boy in my whole life is the end of the world and it's because I'm a recluse with no friends. Sometimes I just think I should go online and meet new people. I wish I had joined my university's LGBT society in my first year, but I understand that my journey towards fully embracing being gay had just started. I will be moving to a new city in England by the end of this year to pursue a master's degree and I think that by that point I will be ready to join an LGBT society. However, I have always struggled with socialising in general, and the gay scene here in London has always intimidated me. With the academic year coming to an end I thought it was high time I faced this problem of mine which I ignored for a long time, and either make peace with it (I am a late-bloomer and shouldn't worry too much about this) or take action (try online dating, try and join LGBT groups, try counselling to overcome social fears). I guess what I am asking here is an outsider perspective on something I don't feel like discussing with my friends at the moment. I know this is not a life-death situation, but I have been reflecting on this for a long time and have found myself stuck and indecisive. If I keep ignoring this situation, I feel like it is going to turn into a long-term problem that will inhibit me from being happy. I guess I could have just asked "is it normal for a 21-year-old to have never kissed anyone?", but I feel like some context was necessary. Writing this email has alredy been helpful. Do you think I should seek professional advice not just in relation to my sexuality, but also to my social anxieties? Though most times I feel like I am a well-adjusted person who's just very reserved and feels (only occasionally) lonely. Any reply gladly accepted.
There are many LGBT people who haven't kissed or had sex until they were adults because they have faced the same pressures from a homophobic society. That was the case for me as I only started coming out when I was 25 and a graduate student. Even though I was far away from family, it took time for me to get comfortable with the idea of doing things for my own happiness, and part of the problem was my own introversion. It's great you are thinking about your situation, and you should be proud you are being more accepting of your sexuality. The university counseling service is a great idea because the counselors are often dealing with students in situations like yours. Also, you could just visit the LGBT center and talk to who ever is in charge without joining immediately. Both the LGBT center and counseling service are ways for you to feel safe and talk honestly and openly about your situation. Besides these services, you should really try to pursue some hobbies and activities that are just for your own pure enjoyment, especially if they are ways you could find new friends. In my case, that was learning martial arts and also getting involved in music and visual art.
Hey! I can totally relate to this. I too am very introverted, recently out, have few close friends, and I'm 22 and haven't so much as held hands or kissed someone. First thing you gotta know is this isn't weird and you're not alone. There are actually plenty of people (myself included) who are perfectly socially/professionally/academically functional but have yet to have a relationship at this age. And it's not weird. I haven't met someone who, after my telling them my inexperience, think of me as weird or undatable. Of course, I try to surround myself with people who would not be vain enough to think that, and I think you should too, and you probably already do! For all the stuff you have gone through, you sound like a very mature, self-aware, and intelligent person whom others would be happy to get to know and potentially date. I say start taking small steps towards having a more active social life. Join groups. Speak to counsellors if need be. Get an online dating profile and just meet people. If not to get into bed with at least for the socializing practice. Also if you look at it contextually it's fine and natural that some of us are behind schedule. Hey, life gets in the way sometimes, and when you don't come out until your 20s, you basically go through the high-school-exploring-romance phase now (with more wisdom, thank God!).
