When I was a little kid, I probably had OCD but I was never diagnosed, I had intrusive thoughts and I was so afraid of germs. I'd wash my hands over and over until they bled, I had random phrases I'd say to 'protect' me, things like that. I've been having many intrusive thoughts recently. Way worse than I ever had as a kid. Basically, all day today I've had them and I've been stressing over them all day. It's not about germs anymore, if I was ever diagnosed it'd be POCD and really bad carcinophobia. Those two things are just ruining my life, I'm afraid to talk about it out loud because that might make something bad happen (and yes, I know that sounds crazy). Even though I know it's stupid, I'm still afraid to talk. I feel super stuck. There's this habit that's developed I don't know if it's related or not, I don't know if it's a stim or something but it's this hand-wringing motion. I got a bit stuck today at around 3pm after having the intrusive thoughts all day and I did the motion repeatedly like five times in a row. I didn't do it on purpose, expect maybe the last time I felt an urge to but the other times were automatic. That's been happening for probably a year. The problem is, although I have a lot of symptoms of OCD, for me it's basically a ton of O and little to none C. That's a problem because it's O[C[/I]D not OD. I don't think that anything I've described is a compulsion at least. I feel scared even though I'm pretty sure there's not anything to be scared of. I feel like I have to be afraid though because if I let my guard down, that's when something will happen. This is the worst, it's worse than my depression and my general anxiety. Is there something similar to what I've described?? I am seeing a therapist by the way, I'm seeing her 2nd April.
What you're describing looks a lot like OCD to me... But the best would be to talk to a specialist about it. And maybe you should try to talk about it to your parents as well, or to some person you trust. I know it must be frightening, but having support from the one you love might help ^^ OCD or not, they might know a way to help. You are not the only one with these kind of thoughts and experience, so don't be afraid ^_^ We all need support some times. I hope you'll feel better soon and that your therapist will help!
