Just need to put this into words I think.

Hi,

I am new to the site and wasn't intending on sharing this on here, but it occurred to me today while I was at work, that perhaps this could be the one place that I could share it and it be ok.

I'm not looking for a pity statement or anything, I think I just need to actually "say" this and maybe it will help me figure this out.

I just recently moved to Saint Louis, I know one person here, aside from the people I work with, whom I will probably never see outside of work, I feel like I am a burden to them or annoy them most of the time. I just graduated in my field and though I know I generally know what I am doing, I feel like I just get in the way.

The person I know here, is not dependable, at all, she's the never text/call you back, doesn't stick to plans but gets ahold of you when she needs something type of person.

I have been in Saint Louis for almost a month now, before hand I was living with my parents temporarily while I found a job and moved, when I am with my parents, there is an understood agreement, that nothing "gay/lesbian" is ever mentioned, they live in denial that I am not gay and I just don;t want to go back to the two years we didn't talk when they found out. I pretend I'm happy and even though I feel like I am betraying lgbt people everywhere, I try to date guys every time I have lived with them. I feel like I owe them something of myself I guess because they took me in after an accident I had and needed physical help for awhile. I tried for a long time to make it work, but when I knew a proposal was coming with a guy my parents absolutely loved, I just couldn't do it anymore. Breaking up with him was like a tornado going through our relationship, my parents for all extensive purposes "punished" me, saying that I basically just ruined my life and I have no idea what I just did. "What are you going to do now?" "I just don't understand why you couldn't make it work." Telling them I wasn't happy meant nothing to them. I've cried in front of my parents twice, once when my dog died, and then, and I knew that they knew I was gay, but the fact that it just was uncomprehendable to them and the last time I said anything I was told that I was disgusting, disgraced the family and was not welcome in their life if that's what I chose, I just couldn't say anything. So for the last two years or so, I just went on living like I was fine.

Now in Saint Louis, I don't think I have ever been more likely in my life, I know that I have felt with depression before, I've never been treated for it, mental illness is not something my family talks about or believes is a real thing for lack of a better phrase. It has never been like this before though. I've been talking with my insurance, trying to figure out how I can go see someone to talk about it, but it is a slow process and I feel like I am ripping at the seams. Every second of every day I just feel like I want to break down in tears, if I am ever alone, that is exactly what I do some times. I don't know if this is just frustration with not knowing people here, the fact that I feel utterly alone, or maybe frustration because I know that I want to go out and possibly meet someone, but I wouldn't even know where to start and I probably don't have the balls to do it anyways. Approaching someone is just not something I think I would do. I am not a knockout beauty, I recently found out I have a "hormonal" acne type that I have to take medicine for and it will be 3 months before anything even begins to resolve, nobody wants to date someone who has acne, I know that, so I stay inside my apartment.

The next embarrassing part, the one thing I found to have a good part to my day, something that would make me happy when I was feeling down, was watching videos of this couple on a tv show I watch. It's two girls, surprise I know, and as dumb as it is, seeing videos just clips of these two actually made me happy for a few mins, maybe it was the thought that maybe one day I would find someone who I could share something like that with, maybe it was just seeing them happy made me happy, I don't know. Either way, both their character were killed off in a romance suicide save the day type deal on Friday. I honestly just kind of felt like a last straw was pulled in me. I keep replaying the scenes from the episode over in my head, I have never really been attached to characters like this before, maybe it's because it was something I found that actually made me happy, but something just snapped. I can;t stop thinking about those two honestly, every song I hear makes me want to cry every quiet moment I just want to cry, I'm so depressed for whatever reason I just can't take it anymore, I'm on the edge of crying all the time, what I did to make myself happy is literally gone and I'm exhausted from playing happy at work all day then coming home and crying al night.

I think I just needed to write it down maybe, get it out, maybe that will help. Try not to judge me too hard about the weird attachment to fictional characters.

Thanks for reading , I'm sorry I rambled.

Allison