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Freinds.

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by SAYGEUR, May 3, 2016.

  1. SAYGEUR

    Regular Member

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    I don't really know how to start this, i apologise if i don't put details in the correct spots and such, tell me if you need me to elaborate on bits, i ramble and sometimes i ramble in bits that really aren't important.

    I feel more isolated than I ever have before. I have people around me that care about me and a fake "Me" but I don't feel like I have a solid friendship in my life. My psychologist told me that currently that is my major issue, however she never said HOW to fix it.

    I guess I should start from the very very start, from when I was in primary school, I had no friends. That's not me just saying " I wasn't in the popular group" I mean I had no one. I spent my time trying to fit in with boys, but just hurting myself in the process because they all thought I was weird tomboy freak, while all the girls found me to awkward to be around because I struggled to talk with girls and had little in common with majority of them. Im fairly sure I was also judged because I was put into what they would call the "Special" class because I couldn't hold a pencil until around yr 3, and I couldn't do maths until yr 6. So I had a shit start with people.

    When I moved to yr 7, I somewhat tried to stop caring, but new people entered my class, and wanted to talk to me and such, but again I had no idea how to talk with people or interact with people, I wanted to and i somewhat learnt how to. However, as i hung out with people that had clung onto me for what i still see as little to no reason, it just came more apparent how i was just being manipulated, i mean, at first i just wanted to make sure i could keep friends and such, by going out of my way in things, eg trying to do homework for people (some school stuff was only really starting to click then), and buying things for people without asking to be payed back It got to a point where i felt like i was being used. and well, this has been happening for the last 5 years.

    There was only really two years where i felt as though i had a honest to god person that i could talk to and be around without pissing off, or feeling like i was being manipulated by, i will call this person John. John was a nice guy, while we didn't have exactly the same interests, we still some interests that we shared, (sadly he wasnt into music like i was, but he tried to appreciate it for the most part) and our personalities melded fairly well, he was really funny and smart, while i was trying to become more humorous as such and was more on the creative side. One thing i can remember doing a lot with him was asking crazy questions, and then arguing over answers and such, we never really annoyed each other, and it was good fun. Eventually it got to a point where we started dating, and i was ecstatic, everything was going perfectly fine, we were going out a lot and doing lots of things together, i was maybe going a little crazy with buying gifts, but otherwise, everything was great. However, everything changed out of nowhere, he went over to Finland for 3 months over a holiday break, the feeling of loneliness hit me hard, and was a sore reminder of myself. Every day, i would stay up, awaiting messages, and never really get many as his host family didn't allow him to use the internet much. When he finally got back, he was completely different. John was so much more cold, and wasn't as interested in going out and such, he wanted to be alone, and hated being around me. I tried to act as if everything was fine, because he wasnt telling me what was wrong and such, but then he just broke it off. It took me a long long time to get over it, he didn't want to be friends anymore, he didn't want to even see my face. It hurt a shit ton. I still don't understand what went wrong, how i could of changed it. John is still like that to this day, it gets me concerned that he is fighting something but he wont talk to anyone about it.

    So now i come to nowish i guess, I have some online friends, however there is only really one that i talked to, i will name George. I originally met him while playing dota 2 a few years ago, and we tried to get good enough to play competively, however he stopped playing, and so we sort of drifted apart. However, i discovered that he was also a venturer scout, so we met irl at a large event, and i thought that was that. however, we talked a few times over steam, but i somewhat wanted to keep my distance, because i was told by other people that he was a super emotional person and such, so i didn't want to make things worse. However, i see him again at the next years venturer event, and we hang out for the weekend, and it was nice. However, around that time, i just started having an emotional crisis out of nowhere, and had to speak to someone, so i stated messaging him about stuff, and surely enough, he put up with my shit. I was expecting for him to not take me seriously, as i was somewhat hiding it over the trip, but he did, and we started talking a lot. I mean a hell of a lot, I was talking about everything i could possibly think of, because i thought i had regained that feeling of pure friendship again, and i didn't want to lose it, however after a while, i knew i was making it up, if anything, i was just being plain rude. from a casual friendship where we talked occasionally, i had basically barraged into georges life, and tried to convince myself that i had the closest bond possible with him. I was wrong. Eventually, we started having more ups and downs in conversation, i started talking less because i didn't want to intrude and such, and come to a point now where we still talk, but i feel more conscious about what i talk about because i don't want to sound like a whiny brat, or just purely self centred. I find more and more as i try to listen to whatever he has to say that i just don't really know the correct way to respond to things, as whenever i do, it seems like i kill a conversation dead in its tracks, or i just piss him off to a level, or i sound stupid as hell.

    This apparently is supposed to be the time of my life where i am making friendships and connections with likeminded people that i can trust and expand and do extra things with, but i cant seem to find anyone. Maybe im being over obsessive when i say this, but from looking at most of my favourite music artists, they found great friends around 14-16 and then went on to create excellence with each other, im running out of time if i want to meet that criteria, ive been dying to find someone who wants to bounce musical ideas back and forth, and wants to write music with someone else.

    No one around me cares about the things i care about, and i don't know where to find the people that do. Whenever i ask my mum about it, all she says is "well it will get better when you get to Uni stage where you can people that are 1) idiots who just talk about the same shit with "relationships" and crap drama, and 2) people that just wont use me. I wouldn't say George fits in any of those categories, he is a very nice guy, but our personalities and mindsets just don't match very well, im just really quite stupid and continually keep pissing him off that i just don't feel right pissing him off more, and involving him in my issues, without knowing how to help him with his.

    I don't really know how anyone can help, i don't really know what to do. I just needed to write something i guess. I cant keep doing this. Being forced to put on a fake act so that "friends" at school like me, is just killing me, i don't like being around them, and they most likely wont like me much if they find out i have been acting all of this time. Any attempts of outside friendship have fallen flat, and leave me wondering if i even am human.

    I just don't know anymore.
     
  2. Sigtu12034

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    Why do you think you aren't accepted? Is it because your physical appearance is "ugly".
    Or is it because you dont know how to make some?

    Many people like music. You just didnt seem to find the right people yet. Just wait. Its fine if you're late maybe you will do better in college. Its always hard for many people to fit in high school. Just keep on looking and you will find the right person.

    I have no idea why John wouldve left you, there arent enough details about that. Maybe his parents figured out he was gay and told him not to talk to you anymore?
     
  3. SAYGEUR

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    Thank you for responding, I do appreciate it a lot :slight_smile:

    I don't think it has anything to do with physical appearance, while I have been becoming more and more dysphoric, it only rarely affects me to the point where I have to get away from people. I guess its the fact that I struggle to make friends, and when I do happen to get someone interested in me, they find that they don't have interests in the things that I like and it becomes sort of awkward, as i just sound awkward wen i ask about things they like and try to find another area where i can connect with the person, and most people don't bother to ask about the things i like. I hope this makes sense...

    Ill keep waiting to find people I guess. Having this website work basically anywhere I go is helpful :slight_smile:

    And yea, the only thing I can really think of is maybe his Dad had an issue with me? His mum was super duper supportive, and is just super nice to this day. (also keep in mind that at the time, I was okish with being recognised as a girl, so it essentially was a "straight" relationship, ive always felt out of place, but I only really started questioning gender a few years ago, I never had the chance to tell him about me being Bi, or questioning) Either way, I still don't really understand myself, All i do know for sure is that after he got back from Finland after 3 months, he was different, his brother even said that he was becoming harder to deal with at home, and just wanted to be on his lonesome all of the time. He wont really talk with anyone unless its about stuff that interests him, and he just sits alone. I don't know if something happened while he was away that he wont talk about with anyone, but i also don't know if it was him giving into some of his depression. Another thing i considered was maybe i was too demanding? Since at the time my relationship with my parents was even worse than it is now, and i didn't really have anyone else to talk with and do stuff with, i may of just been way too demanding, but i don't really know, he was always truthful if he couldn't go out or talk at certain moments and such and i respected that. Ill proably never really know why.