Something has to be wrong with me.

Well, I don't know where to begin with. My thoughts are like a tangled ball of threads and I'm just not able to think clearly, help myself or get to any conclusion in several unresolved things. I feel I am stuck in many aspects of my life, and I'm even worried I might be going insane or have some disorder like bipolar, which really scares me.

I feel I am a really strange person, and I'm afraid some might have been starting to realize it too. For example, at times I feel very isolated and lonely, and even when I feel sad because I do want the company, empathy, and acceptance of others, I still seem to isolate myself, by avoiding almost any kind of contact to the world. I've been told by several people "hey why you never text me?, why you never call?, Where have you been" etc. And even when I do think about this people, and know I should call o text (one of them is my boss, who really appreciate me and has helped me, even financially) I never find myself with the sufficient will to say at least "hi". I don't know why I am this way, and I don't like it. I think it probably is because of some unresolved issues with acceptance or self esteem, or maybe I'm depressed (or not?).

Sometimes I feel so disconnected to the world, that if I think about my existence and my role in this world I could get to the conclusion that my life is just worthless and pointless. I'm really unmotivated, school doesn't excite me that much, and I am distracted, unfocused and also feel disconnected and weird there, and even anxious some times.

On the other hand, and at the same time, I can find myself thinking that there's nothing wrong with me, that this is how I am, and that I am not depressed, that I like to be alone (which I think it's true sometimes), and that I can do it by myself, so why bother others. I don't know, but I don't believe all this thinking to be very healthy I fear I am going down again, and that scares me (well, is not that I have been really well or happy ever). I have had depression in the past, and suicidal thoughts, with profound sadness, (never treated), but now I don't feel exactly the same, I just feel weird, sometimes lonely and kind of sad but not suicidal, and all this confuses me, and worries me because it makes me doubt if I am really depressed.

I just feel like blank, dumb, sometimes even stupid and going insane and I can't think clearly. It's like I'm not really sad or depressed, but in a state of dumbness, tiredness, lack of energy, will and motivation, with ocassional moments of sadness and loneliness. I don't know, I'm clueless and feel exhausted.

Well just wanted to write a lil bit of what's inside of my head, maybe It'd help,
I decided to go to a therapist or psychiatrist (some part of me doesn't really want) I would like to be happy, feel good with myself, enjoy life, and sort things out. I'm not a bad person, I like to help others, and share. I'd like to have more close relationships with my very few friends, and learn to behave and learn social skills (which at the same time I think I don't really want to, crazy huh?).

Thanks for reading and for your support.