Worried about my best friend...

I'm in a similar situation as you. My friend found out her dad had terminal cancer just before Christmas and I feel like I don't have the right words for her. He is near the end of his (around six months) prognosis, and I'm scared that I won't know how to act around her. All you can do if let your friend know that no matter what happens you are there for her. No one should have to go through a tragedy like that alone. Does she have a father or siblings that you could confide in about your worries?

 

I think the best way to show her you care is to be there for her. Whether its just lending an ear, taking a walk, inviting her over for the night, or bringing them dinner. let her know you are there for her.

 

I completely agree with others - be there for her. Make sure to let her know you care about her. Then, if something, she might not want to do anything to herself, since it would hurt you. I think she'll do her best to keep her together if not for herself, than for you. It's way harder to hurt your friends with your actions than yourself. Take it from someone who's had depression too.

 

Just be there. It sounds like she might spend some time in a bad place. you probably won't pull her out. She probably needs to be there for a bit. Just don't let her drown in it, and and help her out when she's ready to laugh again.

 

I lost my mother to cancer. She fought it for almost 6 years. Chemo and Radiation... It left and came back. When it came back it was her worst fear and nightmare combined and then times 10 fold! I watched my mom going from smiling, talking, walking, and laughing to within 25 days later she was gone. When my sister-in-law told me I needed to get to my moms room at 5:30 in the morning I had the hope that she would at least have shallow breathing, but to no avail... She was gone.

The progression of my mothers was one of the most ferocious the doctors had even heard of... What usually takes months dwindled to weeks, days, and then hours. She was fine October 4, 2012 other than having a strange numbness with her bottom lip. She couldn't talk right. October 29, 2012 was the day she passed. When I took her to the ER we had no idea that we were going to find out that the cancer, which started as breast cancer which also resulted in the removal of a breast and her hair, had moved to her brain and eaten the left side. Just a few months before hand they ran a test and labeled her "cancer free, in remission."

I watched my mother in less than a month to go through what I had seen my friends father, that I helped care for, that took 8 months. Within two weeks my mother could barely walk or even talk.

Be there for her. Be a verbal punching bag. If she needs to scream and cuss, let her scream and cuss. She is going to have enough people treating her like she is stained glass just waiting to shatter. Don't do that. She'll have enough people asking her if she is ok. She won't be. She'll have enough people saying they understand. They don't unless they have been through it. She'll have enough people saying it gets better, you'll be ok. It never gets better. You learn to deal, that's all. Or how do you feel? How do you think I feel? Do you really want me to answer that question? Call me if you need anything! They weren't there before, why does it matter now? If you were so close than why did it take her dying to show up.

All that and more... So much so it is too hard and frustrating to even try to stress to you how much that what she'll need from you..... It's very simple. BE THERE!!! Day or night. A shoulder, a person to talk to, a person to yell at/to, cry at/to, and of all things to laugh. No matter how stupid that sounds. Be yourself. Don't be yourself to the point that it seems you don't care, give her the opening... Let her come to you. Don't look at her and cry or look at her like she is 'weak'.

Even if it is only for a fleeting moment, she'll need that escape you provide.So, she cries... Cry with her. She'll have moments where you think she is bipolar, just go with it. She cusses you, cuss with her, cuss yourself. Make her laugh. Be you, be yourself... Her friend that doesn't treat her like porcelain. When she is ready to break, she'll come to you on her own. Try to avoid too many questions concerning how she is, how she is doing, and questions concerning home and her mother unless she brings it up. You also, don't want her to push you away. Too many questions can also result in that. Serve as a distraction so for when it counts, when she needs you... You can also be there for that as well!

I will also add, that even if it should come to pass in the sense as what happened to me that her mother would be home. Her avoiding the room when it happens, that may not be case. She might want to say her goodbyes that way, me? I wish I hadn't gone in there. But, I will say I am glad that my cousin got me out of the house before they came to take her out. That you don't want her to see... It's not good. So, hopefully you can be there for her in that sense too. If there is time, when you find out and can get her out before they take her mother out would also be helpful!

 

I am thankful she has a friend like you. It's good that she is staying strong. I know this may sound odd... But, what about you? How are you handling right now?

 

So, in other words... What you are saying is that you are staying strong for her and staying face while around her, but inside you are spinning with emotions and may even be falling apart. That's normal... Reason I say that is I've noticed you've practically avoided anything remotely concerning your well-being and are solely focused on her.

It's not bad... Rather it's honorable and even admirable. It's a good quality to have in a friend. But, don't let being the hero drive you to neglect yourself. If you have something hurting you inside or bothering you... Causing you sadness or anguish, no matter how trivial it may seem compared to what your friend is going through... Get it off your chest!

If you need to cry because it's out of your control to do more than you've already done for your friend or cry because you can't stop what is happening to her mom or even cry because you can't cure cancer... Do so. You don't need to let her know or even do it in private, go to another friend or family member. Come here and do it. It's not being selfish or heartless to your friend. Same as your friend needs to remember to breath and eat, so do you.

I say this because eventually something bottled will overflow. By then it's much worse and harder to take care of as opposed to nipping it in the bud when it first arises. ^_^ With that said, keep being you! Seems like your doing good and your being there for her has been noticed and she knows with you around she won't drown. (*hug*)

 

(*hug*) (*hug*)

 

Aww~hugs are definitely what you need right now. I am truly sorry for both of you. I've been in your shoes and I've been in her shoes more times than I'd rather care to say or even talk about at the moment. Truth is... and it took me a long time to get to this point. Be thankful that in one way it was fast. Her pain and agony is no more. Her suffering has ended. Another reason that I say that is, your friend seems to be at peace with it... I was not. I am now...

But, my point is... Watching someone suffer everyday can take its toll. Yes, mine was 25 days, hers around the same time frame. But, there are those like the friend I mentioned. 8 months. The father suffered 8 months of agonizing pain. I remember him screaming for hours on end and days from the pain. Listening to that and watching that was a torment that I could not go through again. My friends family... I've never seem them so helpless and weak. Cringing with the slightest sound when he fell asleep afraid he'd wake up and go back to screaming for the pain to go away. I'll never truly feel or know what it was like for them.

But, I do know... That from his passing then and now. That is one thing they have always said and stood by. That his pain was no more and he was no longer suffering. Same as me, even though I couldn't find peace at the time... I still stand by the thought... Thinking after... "At least mom is no longer suffering." It's not much of a comfort, but it's a start. Ephemeral... Euphoria... It's something akin to those words. Almost a relief. Not that it makes the sadness or the missing go away... It's fleeting feeling that washes over you and helps you deal with the loss.

But, again... I am truly sorry. (*hug*) You know that we, here at EC, are here for you if you need to talk to someone. I know it has been a very disheartening and long day... But, make sure that you and your friend both eat and drink something. Keep your strength up. The coming days are going to be... I don't even know what word to use or how to describe it... A roller coaster of emotions. Imagine a knife in a tornado. You need to be strong for yourself and for her. Even if it's a few crackers and a sip of water. Keeping your strength up will help alot.

When a person is hungry it causes your body and brain to stress and not think clearly and become aggressive. So, both of you are already stressed to the max.... Emotionally, physically, spiritually... You name it, you are stressed to your very core. Don't add to it by bottling up your emotions, but also don't add to it by not keeping your strength up and getting sick from the lack of food and dehydration. Also, resting can help. Staying awake it will get to a person as well. If you are with her and she falls asleep beside you, good don't wake her. Let her sleep, but be there... Stay beside her, so that when she wakes up she is not alone.

If you see that her emotions are getting to her in a room of people and she might explode or start crying... Hug her and then take her to another room. She may not want to have a break down in front of everyone. Death is hard on everyone, so if someone says something that might be considered rude or mean, spiteful/hateful they may not mean to offend. So, it would be the same with that. Before she explodes in front of everyone and causes a scene, she wouldn't that anyways it's just too hurtful and later would regret it... Simply walk up to her give her hug and suggest to get some fresh air or go to another room... Suggest getting a drink or lets go talk to such and such.

(*hug*)(&&&)(*hug*)

Find some form of happiness or some laughter, if even for a moment. It helps to smile.

 

That's good. I'm pleased she was able to find some sort of peace/resolve in her mothers passing concerning the suffering.

Oh my goodness yes! There will be so many people. That is where she will need you the most. Not just because of the implication of wake/funeral. But, it will be stifling. Almost like you can't breath or like you are floating away and can't keep your feet on the ground. Don't be surprised if she constantly grasps at you or tugs at you. She is just trying to ground herself and keep her composure. It'll mean the world to her. She might even tell you when she needs air or when she needs to get out/away.

I'm happy she has a friend like you and that you will be there for her. Stay strong and keep your head held high! Be her pillar of strength... Use that as your resolve. That way when you are there at the wake/funeral you have mission to help you stay focused. That will help keep your composure and keep you grounded.

(*hug*)(&&&)(*hug*)