The Last Year Of My Life

Well, here goes nothing.

So, last June, I had a friend message me saying this boy called James (I was 15 at this point and he was 13) had a crush on me. I had no idea who he was and I certainly couldn't conceive of developing feelings for someone you've never met, but I gave him a chance and we started talking. We really didn't have that much in common and we met the next day after I'd finished my musical theatre class. We walked down and he said he'd walk down for a bit with me, and he said he'd talk to me when he got home. He did just that, and within a day of knowing me, he said he was in love with me and he was talking about being with me forever and all of this mess, and it made me a bit uncomfortable, but again, I gave him a chance and told him that I didn't feel that way yet. He'd also ask me for pictures, often inappropriate pictures, including a very nasty scar I have on my chest from using shower gel (I have very sensitive skin) which made me a little annoyed, but I just let it go. He invited me to his house a few days after this (I got with him on a Saturday) and we talked for a bit, and I have never had to revive a conversation so many times in my life, and I'm quite an introverted person. He kept giving me this weird gaze, which I now know meant he wanted to kiss me, and we did just that, along with oral sex, and he kept saying that he was in love with me while we were doing it. He also had this fetish with black boys, so I kind of felt a bit empowered. This I love you stuff made me a bit uncomfortable still though, as I have trouble communicating what I really feel with people, and someone saying they love me puts me a bit on edge for some reason. We kept talking, and he'd keep inviting me to his house, and the same thing would happen, except sometimes, I said I wanted to do things and I'd occasionally bring condoms with me. We almost had anal sex, but I didn't think the condom fit me (it did, but creases kept forming so I assumed it was too small, not to sound arrogant.) My parents never knew about this, and they still don't, and there was a time where me and James were gonna meet each other but my Mum doesn't really trust the people in our area, and I wasn't aloud to leave until my Mum met him. She went into the store, and we managed to run away from here. This was the last time me and him ever did anything. He broke up with me on the 5th of July and his exact words were "Can we just be friends for now I'm not ready for a relationship." Little did I know he was either planning to get with or get with a boy called Adam an hour before he came home and broke up with me. I wasn't too bothered at the time, and I didn't really have any feelings for him (I almost did, but the I love you shtick was starting to wear a bit thin, along with these cringy ass pictures and love quotes.) About 3 weeks after this, I'd finished Year 10, and I was talking to James about what he'd been up to.

This is when I found out about Adam, and something in my gut was telling me that I'd been lied to. Sadly, he was coming to my school in September, and the good thing is in less than a month I will never have to see him again. I told him I didn't want to speak to him (I was kind of anticipating this, I just hate being made a fool out of.) About a month later, on August 29th (Michael Jackson's birthday) It kept bugging me and I wanted the truth right there and then. He said he did love me and that he wasn't lying, even though the truth was staring me right in the face. I think sometime after this, Adam had hacked into his account and confirmed he had indeed got with him while we were together, and we did this by going through messages. He said he was going to pull James up about it, which he did, and he said they had lying issues in the past, and for some strange reason I felt free, or happy, one of the two. I kind of enjoy drama, and I despise that part of myself. I got more and more hurt as the first month of school went on, and I'd told everyone what James had done to me, and I'd actually been accused of trying to split James and Adam up by Adam at some point. It's fair to say that I was treated awfully during this whole experience. James and Adam broke up by the end of September, at which point they'd been together for almost 3 months, as opposed to mine and James's 3 weeks. He'd told me James would be quite controlling and constantly ask him where he was and such things, and he'd asked to speak to me about a week after they broke up. He'd also told me he would be asked by James (who would ask his sister to "negotiate" with Adam) to stop doing things he enjoys (we're both dancers.) After I came back, Adam was telling me James is now trying to turn his friends against him, and that he now counts me as one of his closest friends. I then got into another argument with him because, and he'd accused me and Adam of kissing each other while in the park (this didn't happen, like....at all.) Adam told me to ignore him, and me and James had many arguments throughout the months, some about Adam and some not. And then, at the end of October, Adam said he was in love with me after we'd spent the night exchanging jokes. I then asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend, to which he said yes. Now, Adam's father is homophobic, and he was in the same position I was in with my parents when I was his age (I was 15 and he was 14 at the time), so it would be best if we didn't tell either of our parents. I promised Adam that I don't ever want to see him as damaged as I was when my parents found out, and that I would be there for him if his parents ever did find out. It seemed that this James obsession and the pain I felt whenever I saw him went away when me and Adam got together. A few weeks after we got together, Adam was telling me that James's new boyfriend wasn't being very nice to Adam, and every time him and James had a falling out, he'd ask me not to get involved, so it angered me James would disrespect Adam time and again and I couldn't do anything about it, but I cared about him, so I never got involved. He'd told me that James's new boyfriend wasn't being very nice to him, and that James would accuse him of stirring the pot (in relation to what I don't know, and I never will), and then say that he still considers him a friend. Another argument they had was about a razor. Yes, a razor. Before Adam and James broke up, they went to his uncle's shop (he sells bikes) and said that if James works there for 6 weeks he could get the razor for free. James decided that this didn't mean shit to him, and refused to show up after 2 weeks. James then decided to "justify" his actions by insulting Adam's family and saying that he's "busy." Yet again, I couldn't get involved. Just before the whole throwing incident happened, Me and James had an argument, and James had said that him and Adam had been going to the town together, and Adam confirmed this when I was telling him about the argument. It didn't bother me that much, and Adam said he didn't tell me because this week was the last time they'd ever be going together, but as long as James keeps his hands to himself, I was happy. A few days after this, James and his friends (one of them doesn't like me, she had a good reason to and now we've made amends, but I digress), and decided to throw food and all manner of objects at me and my friends. I wanted to tell him to go away but I'm really bad at standing up for myself and dealing with stressful situations (can anyone help me with this?), so I gave him a very meek "F Off" and it continued until my friend met her mother and told me to quickly take pictures of him and the people who remained there. I messaged the 3 people I knew were involved in the incident and only 2 of them replied, including James and the girl who didn't like me, and while I did call her a few names, she called me a gorilla and said I was gonna get kicked back to slavery, along with various homophobic slurs. I then showed her the reason why James disliked me (the messages that proved James cheated on me), and she just said that she didn't know anything about the incident and had left before any throwing occurred. I went to my head of year about this the next day, and he said that the girl in question would be excluded for her racist comments, and that me and James would have a meeting about the incident. Two weeks after it happened, we did, and there was a lot I wanted to say to him, such as why he continued throwing things at my friends after I'd went home (again, I don't like conflict and trying to use my anger appropriately) and why he had waited 2 months to hatch this little plan on me. He'd apologised (through gritted teeth it seemed) and said he was just being silly. Back to Adam. I was and am still attending a dance school, but his friend who goes to his Dance school randomly started speaking to me after I liked a picture he was in and told me about the studio. It is quite an expensive dance school, but he told me to give it a shot and see what I thought. I did this at the start of December (at this point I'd thought that Adam didn't know anyone apart from James and a mutual friend of there's along with another girl who was involved in the throwing incident, so I told most people there, including two people in my year who used to go to his school, and I didn't think anyone would get to his parents. I found out recently it was my cousin, who dislikes Adam because she thinks that he is a show-off, who told people, and after I had my trial at Tab's, the dance studio I was asked to go to, me and Adam had our first argument. Even then, I regretted what I did, and I should have remembered that there are 2 people in a relationships and that both their needs are to be taken into consideration. He wouldn't talk to me for a while, and I believe I brought him some chocolate and a card to say I'm sorry. I think at this point I'd told him I loved him. We never really got to see each other as he has a job and I also have dance lessons, and we only got to see each other at Tab's, where we couldn't show any affection to each other, along with not really talking to each other as we're doing 9 hours a week (3 hours on Monday Tuesday and Wednesday.) James had messaged me about 3 weeks after I'd joined Tab's and asked me if me and Adam were still together (Out of anger, I'd said this to James, something else I regret), and Adam told me to say no, which I did. The next time me and Adam got to see each other (we didn't get to do this often, and we didn't really get to do things couples did either, as he didn't really have that much time during the week and I had to lie about where I was going to my parents, as I'm not aloud around the area where Adam lived. I met his Dad, who knew James, and told him to stop hanging around with Adam because he seemed quite "queer." He likes me, and I believe Adam's mum did as well. I still don't think his Dad has caught onto me if you catch my drift, and he never will (I'll get onto that soon.) Again, I digress. A week after James messaged me, Adam had told me that he said he had a girlfriend called Palma (she dislikes me, and James has told her that I cheated on him), who I didn't even know existed until Adam told me that Palma is James's "girlfriend" and she was being quite rude to him, and even accused Adam of trying to sabotage their relationship. Adam's friend at my school, Elle, also said that Palma had a boyfriend in London, which she then told Adam and Adam told James about. Since I had no idea who Palma was and I only found out about this when Adam told me. Again, I couldn't get involved. Now, my Mum had to pay Tab £95 at the end of my first month, and I also had to go to other places. I didn't plan on leaving my current dance school to go there, but in my naivete, I thought my poor Mum could afford 3 places at the same time. This got me into hot water with my dance teacher at my current school, who thought I was being disloyal, and said that if I don't want to be here, then I should leave. I missed 3 weeks there, and someone from there actually asked me if I was still attending, to which I said yes. Everyone at the studio really liked me but it took me a while to adjust to being there. I was offered a solo in one of their shows before I left. Now, here's why I left. At the end of December last year, someone from the studio, who was 20 (I was 15 at the time), started speaking to me, and I took a great liking to him. On New Year's Eve, me and Adam were drinking, and Adam was a lot drunker than I was, and had done this before. I had never drunk in my life, and I had to force myself to drink an entire bottle of Lambrini and Echo Falls, which my Mum had gotten out specifically for New Year's Eve. Now, Adam had told me that I was not to tell anyone about our relationship unless I'd asked him first, and he'd said if anyone tried to come on to me, I was to tell him (which is strange because he couldn't do much about it.) I had told Brandon I was trying to get drunk, and there were things that rubbed me the wrong way about him that may have caused the situation I'm about to describe. He'd asked me about my orientation, to which I said gay, and he'd also joked about having a "cheeky" which I'd assumed to mean having a drink, but he meant masturbation, and I sometimes deflect me with humour, so I said something that resembled a "haha, me too" and moved away from the awkwardness as soon as possible. When I was drinking, the guy had asked me if I wanted to play 10 questions, and not only did I not know what that is, I didn't see any reason to say no, so I then find he is asking me about removing pieces of clothing from my body, and about 30% of me was enjoying it, and the other 70% was trying to get out of the situation as soon as possible, so I thought if I said yes to all his questions he would talk about something else. He did not. He then went onto Whatsapp (Adam had told me that this guy has flirted with everyone, including him, and not to take it too seriously, he also said that he could send a dick pic to me and vice versa and he wouldn't bat an eyelid.) and showed me a picture of his behind. He'd asked for one of me, and still thinking that I could throw him off the trail, I sent one back thinking he would get bored. I sent this back to Adam, and rightfully so, I was dumped, as Adam had been in this same situation and he had said no 6 times. I spent the rest of the night feeling like a terrible person and throwing up. The next day I tried to say sorry to Adam, and his friend messaged me saying that Adam deserved better, and said that she might speak to Adam, but no promises. At the end of the day, Adam said that he had some time to think and he didn't think we would be together again any time soon, but then he rang me and said that he wanted to get back together, and that he still loved me. He got off the phone and said he only did that because he felt bad for me, and because I loved Adam more than I'd ever loved anyone in my life, no matter how cocky, bossy or arrogant he was sometimes, I told him that I can't do that to him, and that he should be with me because he trusts me. We spoke as friends for the next few days, until 5 days later, when Adam said he was angry with me because I was very quick to tell everyone about James, but I'm quiet about what happened on New Years Eve. The problem is, if I told everyone, Adam would accuse me of making it harder for him to keep this secret from his Dad, and if I didn't I would be a coward. He said that he couldn't believe what I did and that was that. Also, my 16th birthday was 2 days after this whole thing happened, so this was not a fun time for me at all. 10 days after he said he was angry with me, he said that he wanted to speak to me less (at this point, I had told close friends and two teachers in school, one of which knew Adam well, and they had told my Mum, and at this point, she was extremely angry and phoned the police. I also left the studio within a week of this happening, and because my Mum had no money to spend for my birthday as she had given it all to Tab, I didn't get that much, and the kids who had helped me while I was there gave me some presents for my last lesson, but they didn't know this at the time.) The day I left, my Mum had asked for a refund, as she was intending on me leaving anyway, and this was before she knew about the Brandon (20 year old guy) thing. Tab was polite at first, but my Mum has a habit of getting defensive and taking things personally, but then Tab said "I don't need Myles" and I was standing in the room when he said that to her over the phone. Tab had made it clear he doesn't do refunds, and Adam had somehow found out about this through Tab, which I still think is completely unprofessional. He'd asked me if I thought the refund was fair, and because I didn't want any more arguments as he was still angry with me, I just said yes. Also, he had basically guilt tripped me about leaving the studio and said I was making a shitty decision for my future. Anyway, the police were called, and Adam told me to keep him out of it (which I failed to do), but I did delete any pictures that may show that I was in a relationship at any point, and just left the 5 pictures with the evidence of what Brandon did (this was 2 days before my 16th birthday, so I was still under-age), and they took my phone. Adam and me spoke every so often, and by the time it got to March, Adam said I don't want to talk to you at one point. And then a few weeks later, he saw me walking around at night (I couldn't see him but I could hear him), and then messaged me asking why I didn't say anything (yet he said he didn't want to talk to me a few weeks earlier), and he said "considering how close were for so long, at least have the respect to say hello", and I told him I was still very angry about him sticking his nose into my Mum's business (he'd told me I need to be more respectful to her, and yet he won't do the same with his Dad) and telling me what is and isn't good for me. We then argued, and he accused me of saying Tab's studio is better than the one I was at before (I didn't, Adam has the wool pulled over his eyes when it comes to Tab, I understand that he wants to protect his dance teacher, but Tab isn't God) and then tried to act like a victim by saying "What happened to you'll never hurt me Myles?" which angered me because he put himself in this situation and now he's complaining when someone claps back at him, and he actually had the nerve to ask me why I left the studio. He also tried to say that he knows "good work when he sees it", which is a blatant lie because Miss Vicki's work can be found on DVD's that you are not aloud to record or take pictures of, and if you want any DVD's you need to go and ask her yourself. I told him that he needs to take his head out of his dance teacher's ass and stop giving his opinions when no-one asked him to, and maybe he wouldn't be sat here bitching about someone telling him some home truths about his dance teacher's unprofessional actions. My Mum had actually told me that if Adam had such a problem with how she handles her money, then he should message her his damn self, which he declined to do. He called me bitchy, a liar, and two-faced, and then said "I don't wanna argue anymore", so we stopped. He said he was talking to James about getting back together (which I didn't really care about this point, my friend had told me it was probably best I moved on, and plus I didn't think I had any right to complain about what Adam did or didn't do with other boys), and then half an hour later he said he wanted to be "more than close" with me again. I told him that it was completely up to him, and that I was scared of losing him. After this, we never saw each other, and I got sick and tired of constantly chasing after him when he showed he didn't give a damn, and even when we were going out it was always me starting the conversations, which is ironic for someone who claims to be so confident and outspoken. A month after this, when he had had no interaction with me whatsoever, I messaged him asking him why it was always me starting the conversations, and that I get that we're busy, and that I'm not asking him to have a full blown conversation with me, but a hello and how are you never hurt anyone. He said he needed to "revise" and that he didn't have time to speak. Funnily enough, about two weeks ago, Tab spotted me and asked me to come into his studio (I get the impression people think I'm easy, and that I should have told Tab where to stick it, as Miss Vicki, my dance teacher at my current school, has called him unprofessional and said he has this habit of taking credit for the work of other teachers. Vicki and Tab have never met each other, and Vicki said that she and Tab had never spoken to each other in real life at all.) for a chat. I was sat right next to Adam, who was on his phone, and in the 5 minutes he was there, he didn't say a word. I'd decided I'd had enough, and I said I don't want to speak to him anymore if this is the way things are gonna be, and for the last time, I said I never meant to cause him any pain and that I was sorry for everything that happened, and yet again he tried to obfuscate the situation by putting blame on me and saying "you didn't say hi to me either" which is what I've been doing for the 6 months that I've known him, every single time we speak. I told him that if he was really doing revision, he wouldn't be at a 3 hour dance lesson, and even then, a hello wouldn't hurt. This was over a week ago, and we haven't spoken since. So, that's the end of me and him, and now I'm starting my GCSE'S.

 

Ah right, sorry about that. I just want to know how to deal with conflict more efficiently, and I still hate seeing James in school every day. This tells me that although I may have forgiven him, I'm still hurting and I don't know exactly how to move on. I felt like Adam was a crutch for me, and I should have dealt with this on my own, but I don't know how.