Is this strange?

About a week ago I officially became a junior in college. Even though I'm moderately freaking out that I'm that much closer to being an adult, that's not what this post is about. (It's just background info to help convey the point that this past year I was a sophomore.) :icon_wink Okay but setting aside useless preamble to help bring my point across, I shall get to the point...kind of...

So unlike most ALL of my friends (and mostly at my mother's earnest requests), I decided to live on campus in an upperclassmen dorm with one of my good friends whose mother was also concerned about her child having an apartment lease at 19. "Good friend" is an understatement though. She was my best friend. It was supposed to be awesome and fun and a great living experience because we enjoyed each other's company so much.

Fast forward about 3 months-ish (November) and things weren't going as I planned. My roommate and I were still friends but I felt myself growing apart from her and I didn't have any idea why. This was happening with all my friends. I just began feeling like I was changing, like I was alone in the world and was losing my friends, like I was sitting and watching myself drift away from all these people I loved so much. I felt aimless, like I had no one and no one had me. If that makes any sense.

Anyways, my roommate was always out with one of her band friends and literally never in our room. She would say hello after her classes and then tell me she would be out for 30min with this friend and then 5 hours (not exaggerating here) later she would walk back in. And because by this time it was late and I was in bed she would get in bed too and we'd just go to sleep without saying a word to each other.

While she was out with her friend, I would wait for her to get back; hoping we could go do something fun together. Soon though I got tired of waiting. I didn't have her and I didn't have my other friends (because of my weird falling-out feelings) so I would go on long walks on campus mostly at sunset/night because campus is so peaceful at that time. I would walk around for hours feeling sad and alone and confused as to why I knew this was happening but couldn't seem to find out how to fix it. I would think about all manners of things.

One particularly rough day when my roommate had left again for her other friend (not inviting me even though I would've been happy to join), it just hit me that I didn't fit in anymore. And that all this time I had been blaming my friend even though I had known something was happening to me but had done nothing to fix it. And I was depressed and felt like a loser who could die and no one would know or care. I went on a walk and got to the top of one of the parking garages on campus. I came seriously close to ending my life that day.

Fast forward again about 3 months (February) keeping in mind all of those months I was still battling self loathing and feeling worthless and my friends were still strangers to me. I was talking with another friend about this new show we both watched and I had told her who my favorite character was (this character happened to be a very cool lesbian scientist) and my friend said "You know I don't really like her that much, I just can't connect with her."

I kid you not it was like she had just switched on a light bulb in the dark confusion I was feeling. I thought to myself, "maybe it's weird that I'm a straight person who finds a lesbian character with a really sexy red coat super bad ass and awesome" and then I thought "what if I'm not straight" and all of the sudden it was like a calm flowed over me. I don't know how to explain it other than I didn't feel lost or confused anymore.

Over the next few months I battled with myself trying to figure out if this instinct feeling I got from her words is actually right or if I am just trying to convince myself I might be a lesbian because it's something new and different. During those times, and even still today, I would randomly remember past events in my life and picture them happening with me knowing my sexuality and they all seem to point to one thing: I like women.

Though I'm still not 100% sure I'm not psyching myself out as I have not had any sort of sexual contact with a woman yet to tip the scales (I'm kind of a rule follower: i.e. though I find kissing some random hot girl very exciting, I'd never have the nerve to do it). I can honestly say that I have never felt more right in my entire life. I am not sad or confused anymore and I don't have urges to throw myself from a parking garage. When I listen to sad music I don't feel like I'm in a deep pit of sorrow I can't climb out of.

Okay so this was a really long backstory mainly so that I could ask this question and it make sense, and if you got this far I am very grateful to you for reading everything: if it were me I probably would've already found a new feed. My question I'm hoping someone can answer is this: Is it strange that I stopped feeling suicidal when I realized I was probably gay? Also is it weird I never knew, never even questioned, until I was 20 years old? I know a lot of people feel the opposite and I'm kind of surprised I'm not one of them. I come from a very conservative, Christian family and I know my parents would not approve and would honestly think it was something they could pray out of me. But it's like I have this talisman of realization of who I am and I can't help but feel content and right instead of ashamed and more alone.

If you can give insight into this I would greatly appreciate the help and advice. If you can't, I hope you enjoyed my story and sorry I rambled on so much!! :icon_bigg:icon_bigg

 

Thank you both for your helpful responses. It makes me feel less crazy because of them! In response to Mariana, I do believe there is a LGBT club at my school I just haven't yet taken the time to find out where or when it meets. I will definitely have to do that.