My family are fairly liberal-central and more than pro LGBT support, etc. but the school I went to from ages 3-14 was a private school - a failing one - with a tiny population. While I was there I never heard anything about gay people until I heard someone use 'gay' as an insult towards me and my friend when she was giving me a piggy back. I asked them what it meant, and they told me. However I never felt any disgust towards the meaning, and never thought "ugh that's so wrong, it needs to stop" or anything of the sort. My mind just skipped straight to subconsciously thinking "they're trying to insult me by saying that - so being gay must be embarrassing". It did bother me a little, but only because this kid was implying that I was gay with my friend, which was a really uncomfortable thought because I thought of her as a friend, and a friend only. "Gay" and occasionally "lesbian" were thrown around for a year or so after that as synonyms for "weird" and "cringey" and "lame" and "stupid" etc. and my friends plus others all around the school would participate in making fun of a boy behind his back if they thought he was gay, or do "impressions" of gay people. Teachers never stopped them, or said anything about the LGBT community at all. No one was 'out' either (that includes me - because I had no idea I was gay.) But as a result of being in this environment, I grew up participating in/laughing with people when they engaged in this behaviour. At 14 I moved schools (because my mum couldn't afford to pay for the school anymore - we weren't rich, my mum was a teacher there and therefore got a huge discount off the fees. Since she was on her own too, it was even harder to pay for.) I went to a much bigger, state school. It was 1000 students compared with the previous 120 private school students. But going there was an extreme shock because there were people my age who were openly gay, lesbian and bi and the people around them never said a damn word. Nothing homophobic. And I was stunned. I thought it was nice and refreshing, though I have to admit, a little strange to adjust to because I had never met anyone gay before. Two years later, after I left, I realized that my "admirations" had actually been crushes. For over a year I've been in the midst of constant mood swings that tend to take the route of something like: "Wait, am I really gay or am I just lonely? If I was gay, wouldn't I be more sure about it? Why would it take me this long to figure it out when there are people who have known their entire lives? Am I going crazy?" then: "Yes I'm gay and I can't wait to meet the right woman to have a relationship with and constantly hug her and kiss her and adore her and I CAN'T WAIT AAHHH YES" then: *see 20 ads featuring a straight couple, notice everything everywhere is aimed at nurturing and supporting only straight couples, hear women talk about boyfriends/husbands and guys mention their girlfriends/wives* - "Ugh I wish I was straight. It would be so much easier. I don't want to censor everything. I don't want to be scared to hold hands with someone I care strongly about in public. I don't want to be constantly reminded that I need to hide my life because no one wants to see it. I don't want people to look at me differently. I want to be normal." Also, I'm on the feminine side - but I have a very shallow view of the way some gay women present themselves. I know it's incredibly repulsive to think that, and I usually pride myself on being very open minded, which is why this makes me feel so bad. I don't want to think like that but I just do I can't shake it. Typing this right now is very difficult because I hate offending people when it's something as superficial as this. It feels like I'm part of the problem facing the LGBTQ+ community and I don't want to be. I can't even call myself a lesbian, because honestly, I can't stomach the way it sounds, and I feel like this - including all the reasons above - make me homophobic. All of this is incredibly depressing as I'm pretty sure I'm gay, but I'm also pretty sure I'm a homophobe and it's so insanely depressing that I can't study at all, which means my grades will be shit this August. I really care about my grades but I can NEVER focus, when in comparison, during my GCSEs, I had amazing drive and willpower and determination - while I still believed I was straight and had nothing extra to worry about. But could this be the result of my environment and everything that has happened, or is this more common than I think? Thanks if you got through that x
Hello. I don't think what you are feeling is at all unusual - lots of people on here, even people who have never had any bullying, and have gay friends, seem to freak out when they realise that that term might apply to them. It's called internalised homophobia I think. Obviously any negative experiences you've had, such as name calling, or a strictly hetero environment like your old school, are going to make it harder. I know a little bit about some small, religious private schools and how teachers don't call out homophobia, and the damage that can do, being absorbed into your psyche, making it take longer to realise you might not be straight, and making it harder to accept yourself. You sound pretty self-aware, especially for your age, so try not to panic about your assumptions about the LGBT+ community. I think the fact that you realise they are not fair and the fact that you are struggling with identity yourself, means that that will change as you get more comfortable. Can you just accept that you don't find some types of gay women attractive, personally? You're going through a process of accepting that your identity is not what you thought it was. Some people go through this at a very young age, some in their forties, some in their eighties (honestly!). It's going to make you reassess your whole life, your past, your assumptions, your likes... You may be mourning the 'normal' life you thought or assumed you would have, and it is natural I think to wish you could take the easier path. Talk, think, talk some more, talk to people on here, they are great and really supportive. If you are struggling you may be able to get some counselling via your GP, particularly given the struggle to focus on, presumably, your A-levels. Have you got any LGBT friends you could confide in in real life? Glad to hear your parents are supportive. Could you talk to them at all? What about post A-levels? Any plans for uni?
