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depressed, anxious, dysphoric. ***Rant***

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by tragicxmemories, May 20, 2016.

  1. tragicxmemories

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Unicorn Kingdom (Ruled by me, the unicorn king)
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    So, this past week has been fairly... Okay.. For me. I started the last few practices on the track team this week, which were the only practices ive done in a few weeks after i was laid up with an injury, so i was pretty excited. My dad and i have had only one small minor argument over my hair, but that was about it, which is a huge improvement for us, but then i did stay out of his way most of the time.
    My depression kinda sucked throughout the week, but eh. Ive managed. Anxiety was bad, but not as bad, so eh. I get dysphoria, and it can be pretty bad at times. It's been minor all week, granted i've never really looked at myself in the mirror, too much things to do.

    The problem began yesterday, or thursday. I forgot about a project that was due friday, about as big as a test, and i didnt start it at all. I was also behind in notes and homework as i was suspended for a few days for fighting and never got a chance to catch up on everything. Everything kinda started going downhill from there. It also happened to be the night of my last track meet. My dad had decided to come, and I was running around looking for my coach and a friends friend, and i never saw him. Now, he has issues, hes never liked me, no matter what he or my mom says. Its apparent to like. My older sister, my friends, everyone. I'm not going to get into too much information about him and me. Anyways. My friend was fooling around and looking for her friend, and he saw her, and apparently mistook that as i was 'hiding' from him?(honestly if i even was, i have good reasons heh) but i honestly did not see him. Soo, long story short, i got into a few arguments with my mom about it, because she will never listen to me, unless he physically hurts me, so.. its always 'your dad said this' or 'your dad said that' which annoys me, because he was never a parent to me for the first 14 years of my life, and he broke my trust and respect last year. She also was the one who filed for divorce, and agrees he's a crap parent, so... But he has threatened her before, yay. Anyways, i keep getting sidetracked, oops, he said i was treating him like crap, and started listing off everything i had apparently done wrong thursday night, not letting me say anything, and when i tried saying something, he yelled at me for it. Figures. He hates me having a mind of my own. I walked away, wanting to cheer my friends on in their events and calm down, as i was getting extremely angry, and i do have anger issues. Later i was informed by my mom that he went home apparently with 'tears in his eyes' which is probably bullcrap, because he literally went out to pick a fight with me, and i wasnt going to let him do that. He was probably just angry that i didnt let it happen again.
    I was extremely anxious after that argument all night. I took a shower and started getting a little dysphoric, so i went to bed... I woke up the next morning extremely dysphoric? I couldnt even look in the mirror or id break down crying. It's honestly been a few weeks since it was this bad, the last time being the beginning of april. So I somehow survived the hour drive to school, but just barely. I had a panic attack about half way to school, but had to keep it on the low which was hard. i was crying when i got out of my moms car, and had a breakdown when i was by my locker. It didnt help that no one knows im trans ftm, and questions like "what happened to her" and "is she okay" were beng thrown around, and i just couldnt. I calmed down ish and then had about 4 tests thrown at me. I do get test anxiety as well, so that was just amazing. After those 4 tests i was having another breakdown. Yay. It's literally been breakdown after breakdown and anxiety attack after anxiety attack today.
    Also, when i get dysphoric, i tend to have breakdowns, although anxiety attacks are only once or twice, usually not like this, so its probably also from stress and not getting out to see my horses, or taking my meds. Sigh. I couldnt handle people touching me today, i freaked out when someone touched my shoulder(i dont remember this, it was during an anxiety attack, and i can dissociate, so thats probably what happened to be honest) I was also unable to like. process speech and stuff, so i have no clue what was being taught today. I calmed down once i was with my english teacher in the last period, idk she does kinda have something calming/soothing about her. I was okay once my mom picked me up, having only one or two anxiety attacks. I had 5 final exams which i probably failed, and just... Today hasnt been good. I literally just needed to rant, so... This is probably all over the place, oh well.