1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Mental Health

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by syrup, May 27, 2016.

  1. syrup

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2016
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I find it personally, ironic I am posting about this, because I always have pretty harsh judgements and opinions towards people wit mental illness who are in my life.

    I live in a very chaotic household with a medically diagnosed bi-polar mother. To put it simply and to not go into too much detail as I am so very tired of expending emotional energy towards her, she is kind of batshit crazy. I don't mean to be rude to those who are bi polar or be ableist or rude towards any demographic, but she refuses to medicate, refuses to deal with her issues and refuses to compromise. She consistently makes everything a problem and overreacts to everything with yelling, insults and throwing things or hitting me physically over extremely tiny things; e.x. not cleaning the kitchen in time today caused two hours of yelling and smashing two dishes. When you attempt to reason with her irrationality, she yells more, and if you are right, she usually just falls into passive aggressive silence and like to forget me in parking lots or other places (today, she left me in the industrial part of town for 5 hours and I had to walk to the library which was many blocks down) She clearly has unresolved anger issues and emotional instability, and yet, my father just tells us we need to 'manage her' and my brothers live in our camper, and no one chooses to like, do or say anything about it and just let most of her aggression fall towards me by choosing to just ignore her. Because I am the only one who gives a remote shit abt her even mildly by being the only girl, I have been her emotional crutch and she made me deal with her marital problems from a very early age, and made me quit sports that became too stressful for her to keep up with and I essentially became a hermit.

    I can't recall ever not wanting to kill myself. Like, I understand I most likely have some varying degrees of depression, but I have incredibly intrusive and constant suicidal thoughts since about 10 that have recently increased. I have been happy since I was 10, but my moods are based on what moods my mother is in, and although I have been working to cut her out of my life at 15 it has gotten worse. None of this is helped by the fact that I am lesbian and deal with a lot of homophobia from her, as she recently found out against my will.

    I have developed a coping mechanism of being just, like, an asshole to everyone and effectively blocking out a lot of emotions despite taking anything anyone says to me extremely closely and being needy and desperate for friends. I have lots of paranoid and anxious habits, and I always lock doors behind me in fear that she comes in and I often don't eat when she's mad because I am permanently nauseous and pick at my hands. I can't ever sleep and I tend to have extremely self destructive habits like hurting myself or eating so much I throw up. Basically, I feel like shit all the time and treat the people around me like shit because of it, and I don't want to anymore.

    I have tried a lot of times to communicate to my father I don't feel safe in my house and I don't feel safe, but he doesn't listen and refuses to leave her despite how unhappy we are as a family. I don't know what to do anymore, and suicide is gradually becoming a viable option; I know that if I was happy I would see it as ridiculous and dumb, but I'm not and quite frankly I can't see any happy future for me.

    There is a school counselor and while I am scared of seeing one simply because I don't know what excuse I would use to attend it after school (we live outside of town and its a bit of a drive) I would like to see if I can get on any kind of medication to cope with everything. The idea of talking to a therapist is really alienating and not fun sounding to me because my mother never stops dissecting my emotions and hers are the reasons she's so fucking insane, but I want to not kill myself and also maybe wake up happy. While I understand that the obvious response will be "see that counselor", I want to know if maybe I'm overreacting or this is just teenage emotions, or if anyone is in or has grown past a similar situation and has advice. I am incredibly restricted on who I can talk to about this as we live in a very small community and venting in such a way sometimes helps.

    (!)
     
  2. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2012
    Messages:
    478
    Likes Received:
    178
    Location:
    South Africa
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Oooh, I feel your pain! I really do. I'm bipolar, and before I was diagnosed, and even still now that I'm medicated, my parents and sister always feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me because literally anything, no matter how insignificant it may seem, can trigger an emotional outburst. I take my hat off to my parents for sticking it out with me, and I know I haven't made it easy for them. Unfortunately, if someone refuses to take medications for a mental illness, there's not much we can do. At the end of the day, the sufferer has the final say. I, however, chose to go on medications after being officially diagnosed in 2010. I've probably been bipolar all my life, but after going to numerous child psychologists, and being misdiagnosed as having PTSD, I just let it go. That is, until January 2010, when I got kicked out of the house after a huge fight. I went to see yet another psychologist, and after a few sessions, she referred me to a psychiatrist, who then diagnosed me with bipolar type II.

    I can't even list all the different medications I've been on since, but I'm currently on 3mg Zoxadon, 400mg Epitec, and 50mg Serdep. I know that I've been on Seroquel at some point, Valdoxan, Toplep, Wellbutrin, to name but a few. Like I said, I can't even list all the different ones we've tried. But so far so good. My newest combination seems to be working well.

    I would advise you to seek professional help for your depression and intrusive suicidal thoughts. Chances that you inherited a mental illness from your mother are great. We suspect I inherited the bipolar gene from my grandfather on my dad's side. We also suspect that my dad may have depression, but I don't think he wants to admit it to himself. Having been down the depression road myself, I can pick up on small things/signs and I really think he needs help.

    I don't know what to say to you regarding your mom's refusal to be medicated. One can only hope that she comes 'round eventually and admit to herself that there's a problem. I mean, she has already been medically diagnosed as bipolar, so obviously there is something wrong with her. She just has to accept it and seek treatment. Unfortunately nobody can force someone to do something they refuse to do. Maybe sit her down on one of her "good" days and talk to her, tell her that it's really stressing you out and you only want what's best for her, and that is for her to seek treatment. Maybe suggest that she gets a punching bag to take her frustration out on? The smallest things can set me off, and make me a grouchy, angry and extremely irritated individual. I've got sedatives that you dissolve under your tongue for the really bad days. Have only used it twice so far, which is good - I think. The important thing is that I acknowledge that I'm getting a little out of control, and then do what needs to be done.

    It's not easy to live with someone who has a mental illness. Heck, some days I can't live with myself either :grin: :lol:

    All I can say to you is, good luck! (*hug*)
     
  3. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2015
    Messages:
    2,802
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Far above the clouds, gazing deep below the Earth
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    You're certainly not just overreacting if your mother is that abusive of you, even to the point of physical abuse. My advice is: yes, go see that counselor, and/or talk to a teacher you trust. You are in a very toxic environment at the moment. Your unstable mother is not your responsibility, although I commend you for caring about her even through your natural and understandable anger.
    Just like Velvet^ above, I'm also diagnosed with bp, though it's been less than a year since it was set so who knows, it might change. But at the very least, I have symptoms of it. I can sort of 'sympathize' with your mom about her loss of control like that. I, too, can became an irritable bitch in the blink of an eye. I would never hit someone I love though, although I do get the impulses to do so. Your mom definitely seems to be out of control, and if she is to get better, and indeed if your family along with her is to get better, she needs proper help. But, unfortunately, it's common for bipolar people to think that there isn't anything 'wrong' with them. And you can't put all that pressure on yourself, honey, especially not when it's making you feel this bad. There are responsible adults out there who care, so again I urge you to just ask a teacher you trust, like "Hey, could we talk after class about something?" and spill the beans.
    Good luck! And stay safe!
     
  4. Lindsey23

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2013
    Messages:
    395
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Liberal state
    I'm not sure what it's like in Canada but in the US students can see a school counselor during class and it's excused. Maybe ask if they do that at your school? Then you don't have to tell your parents. Don't be afraid of counselors, it won't be like talking to your mom. She'll likely be very understanding and sympathetic. She may have some good ideas on how to deal with your family.

    I know things are rough now and at 15 it's hard to think past high school but you will turn 18 in just a few short years and you'll be able to move out. The time will go by, start planning your escape. Maybe you can get a part time job and start saving money for your future apartment. You can build skills and spend less time at home with your mom. Once you move out your life will change, hang in there... You can get through the next few years.