Hello, I am glad this forum exists, since I don't really have anyone I trust in real life to ask about this. I'm 20 now, and I came out when I was about 17. My parents initially were very displeased and constantly talked about "mourning their loss" and played mindgames with me. After a year or so, they laid off a bit, and I went to college. I'm home again this Summer, and I have found someone I'm really interested in. My family is still very anti-gay, and I'm looking forward to being able to move out, which should be in a year or so when I finish my degree. I don't like being dishonest with them, but they're extremely manipulative and will do whatever it takes to ensure that I don't "enter into that lifestyle." I have my own car and everything, so there isn't an issue with having restricted transportation options. I am scheduled to go on a date with him Wednesday, and I just told my parents I'm going out with another friend and seeing a movie. I really feel guilty about blatantly lying to them, but I don't know what else I can do. They have said that if they find out I've been having sex (only with the same sex) etc, they will stop funding me and kick me out. I know they will actually do this, since they had no issue almost putting my sister onto the street when they found out she was gay. I really get lonely in the Summers because I live in a rural area, even though I do other stuff like coach a soccer team, have a job, sometimes take a Summer class or two, etc. My main question is: is it unreasonable for me to be dating now when I'm living with them? It's hard for me to feel like I'm living a double life, but I really do enjoy going out/dating and exploring sexually. When I live with my parents, it's like I'm constantly monitored and analyzed. If it helps, my mom has been diagnosed with NPD and my dad has borderline. I just feel miserable if I stay at home with them, but I need their money. What do I do?
No, it's not at all unreasonable for you to be dating when you're living with them. You are an adult and just because they are your parents does not mean that they own you. There is no reason for you to feel guilty in any way. That said, there is a tactical consideration here. In order to gain your independence from your parents you need to finish your education, which your parents are apparently paying for. This then becomes an exercise in risk analysis - can you date while living with your parents and be absolutely sure they won't find out? If you can, then more power to you. If you can't then it becomes a matter of looking at your tactical options. If they were to find out and cut you off, how devastating would that be to you? Can you figure out a way to continue your education without their money? If so, is it something you could consider doing immediately, so that you basically didn't need to be around them at all? If you can make yourself independent from them, even if it prolongs your education a bit, I'd suggest seriously considering that option. If you can't then you may need to either ask yourself if the long term gain (an education) is worth the short term pain (homophobic parents) or start figuring out ways to date that offer the best chance of avoiding your parents attention. Hope this helps, Todd
First off I agree with the post above there is nothing wrong with dating and exploring that's how we find ourselves. That being said since you only have a year to two of education left I would try and limit the dating. It's fine to go and meet in a public place but try and limit the dating. Just until your done with school since it becomes very hard to pay for school on our own. Only reason I am saying this is because I am worried having a degree we can become much stabilize a lot easier then if we have an unfinished degree.
I would add that if you haven't already done so, you might share your home situation with your date, so that he can decide whether or not he is willing to accommodate himself to that situation. (Hoping, of course, that he is!)
