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bar night by myself?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by yuanzi, Jun 1, 2016.

  1. yuanzi

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    So tomorrow a local bar near my home will have their monthly FLAME night (the name I know...). It is advertised as a dance party for lgbtq+. I have never been to this event before and I really really want to go. But I am a little hesitant mainly because I will be going by myself.

    I am not afraid of running into people I know or for my general safety: my city is fairly safe and I have been to the same bar quite a few times on their regular nights. It is just that I never have fun going to a bar by myself. Most of the time it is just boring. I'd be drinking by myself and/or getting shoved around by people two sheets to the wind. The worst time was a very sober stranger grabbed onto my arm and insisted I go home with him to 'chill'...

    My friends don't drink or go to bars for health or religious reasons and they are all straight so I won't even ask them. I know it is up to me eventually but I want to get everyone's opinion. Thanks!!
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Go have fun!!!!!
     
  3. bryaninau

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    I would go and have fun, if you are worried about safely at all. Even if you have been to the bar its a new setting being among other LGBTQ+ people just count your drinks and make sure you can think clearly. Be safe and let us know how it went. :slight_smile:
     
  4. A Seraphim Moon

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    Yea~I agree with the others. I'd go. So, that is what I think you should do. Go and have fun. It might just surprise you and turn out different than the times before. May make some friends.

    When I had moved to Myrtle Beach, that was what I ended up doing. I had heard of the local LGBT club... Needless to say I couldn't find anyone to go with me. Mind you I hadn't turned 21 at this time and wasn't out to very many people either. I also dressed in a way to keep my brother's comments at bay. So, lets just say that I was accustomed to being overlooked and blending in to how alot of people I knew perceived "straight" people to look.

    I didn't know what to expect. I remember walking in there afraid of my own shadow and thought everyone was staring, haha I could hear the music thumping outside... As I walked inside I swear that my heartbeat was louder than the music. Walking toward the bar I saw a dance floor with a sea of bodies. They seemed like they were all dancing in one fluid movement. I decided to hang back to the side. Bartender noticed right away. He was very kind, talked to me almost the whole night. Anyway, he asked me what I wanted to drink. I was only used to beer. So, I didn't really know what to say. He decided he would surprise me and bring me a different drink every time till we could ascertain my taste.

    Just so happened that it was also the night of the week they had their drag shows. One in particular had been paying attention to me when I came in. She came up to me before going on stage..."I'm not just any queen hunny. I am the 'Queen'. It's my place to know everyone and to inspect the lost boys that wander in here. Boy! Are you lost?" Bartender "Hey, Imani... Leave the poor boy alone, he's new. Pay her no mind, she's actually quite nice. She's just full of herself tonight." "You think I don't know that? I know everyone! And I do not know him. Now listen here boy, he's just jealous cause he can't have me. Don't let him fool you. He'll try to corrupt you. Now don't you let him! You hear me?" Me "Ok..."

    "Well, speak up boy. Don't you know how to talk? Listen, don't let yourself be pushed around. Find your voice! Also... (looked me up and down) Uh-uh! No hunny (then took her hand and made a motion around me) This, all of this! Not working. I expect you to do better when you come back in here! And next time, say 'Hello, give your name and say nice to meet you'." With that she walked away. I didn't see her again until she performed. The next time I went, by myself again, I found her by the bar. Walked up and introduced myself. By this time I had come out and decided it shouldn't matter how I dressed and had bought a new outfit just for this night.

    "Oh now... This is working! You know you didn't have to dress up for little ol' me. But, I like it. Oooh baby, now you are no longer lost!" Imani and I became pretty close friends after that. She was rather full of herself. I found that I learned alot from her during the time I lived there. She tried so hard to get me in drag. That was something she did, took guys under her wing and helped them find their drag spirit. Gave a few their names.

    My point of this backstory is... Well, I almost talked myself out of it the first night I went. Not just because I wasn't fully out, but because I was going alone. Didn't think I would have fun. But, I had a friend online and another that I had called. Both, brought up the 'what if' scenarios. Not to mention the lack of any LGBT friends in my life... Well, in my everyday life as a support off the internet. They told me to be assertive and just talk to someone. I still don't know if I would've went through with talking to anyone. I guess I'll never know... Wasn't expecting the bartender (he moved to DC a few weeks later) and especially Imani.

    So, that's what I would advise. Not only to go... But, to be assertive. Find your voice and talk to someone. A few drinks in you and it won't be as hard! :icon_wink Seriously though. I know it's different on here because you have the screen hiding you, lol But, imagine it's a person on here you're replying to. Even if it is just to say "Hey, I'm new. This is my first time here on Flame night." You might get a friend out of the deal. Or it could be that someone comes up to you. :slight_smile:
     
    #4 A Seraphim Moon, Jun 2, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2016
  5. yuanzi

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    - OnTheHighWay and bryaninau, thanks for the replies. Yes I am pretty light-weighted so I will be counting (if I end up going).

    - A Seraphim Moon, thanks for your story :slight_smile: it's nice that you ended up being actual friends. Gosh I know how hard it is to find lgbt folks off the internet and I am actually looking! Speaking of being assertive in bars, I think I read an article somewhere saying the most effective way of getting a bartender's attention is to stand very straight and stare him/her right in the eyes. Lol maybe I will try that.
     
  6. A Seraphim Moon

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    You're welcome... I just couldn't think of another way to maybe give you that extra oomph to go without at least sharing how my first experience was! :slight_smile: Yea, I had alot of fun with Imani... I ended up becoming friends with a few of the drag queens. After shows we'd go to a *Denny's* right down from where the club was. I am not sure if all of them are opend 24/7 or not, but ours was. It was located right near 2 other bars. So, you never knew who you'd see in there or what kind of people would be eating.

    They had just finished performing. So... Wigs, dresses, and all. The waitress... Hmm~grr! I can't remember her name. We always called her 'Ms.' (I was raised to say the mr/ms in front of my elders regardless if it was the first or the last name) because she was so sweet, especially to deal all of us drunk people. She never batted an eye. Didn't look at us any different than the others that walked in there to eat. No one ever said anything disparaging either way. She always threatened, haha. But, usually it was fun. Everyone laughing and goofing off, without making a mess... She would've beat us for that! But, it always ended up with the people from the straight bars joining our table and having fun with us.

    But, anyway... So, yea! I'm excited to hear about your story! So, you have to go and tell me and everyone else here your experience! ALL the details. How drunk you got, how sick you got, how many numbers, how many people you make out with! :icon_wink I never go anywhere so you have to let me live vicariously through your experience!!! :tears::help: So, see! You really must go! You must, you have no choice now! It's been decided... You are going! :icon_bigg

    You're going, right? :grin:
     
  7. yuanzi

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    Oh boy that is a lot of pressure lol. It is like I studied to just pass an exam and now I am suddenly expected to get an A+ :slight_smile: I will try my best guys...
     
  8. greenandsalmon

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    I wish I would have read this yesterday! A bar near me had a women's night last night. I didn't have anyone to go with (on vacation) and just paced outside until I finally, chicken, went home.
     
  9. A Seraphim Moon

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    ^_^ Ok~no pressure! haha You don't have to get an A+. But, an 'A' for effort would be worth it. To just try. If for someone reason your nerves get the best of you and you decide last minute not to go... Or you go... And can't make it inside or make it inside but aren't feeling it. No one will/could blame you or say anything to you about leaving. It's hard to go to those places on your own. But, I think overall a small part of you would regret it.

    If you go in there thinking to yourself you will have fun or go in there thinking you might be able to make a friend by the end of the night. Thinking positive thoughts. Then you'll feel much better with the experience you get. Because, someone had to be first. However it worked out that it came to be Flame night. Someone had to go to be able to continue it. The first time they had it, there may have only been 1 person who was LGBT. But, with that mind if just 1 person showed, then it was a success!

    So, you see... Even if you decide to leave early or you just make it outside. You succeeded, you tried. You gave it a shot. One step at a time. :slight_smile: Even on vacation you can second guess yourself! :icon_wink

    @Salmon well you made it outside. :slight_smile: See if they have any other venues you might like and try again. Some of them have something different every night. There might be something else you'd find more fun. Like there might be a foam or bubble dance. They are so much fun. Almost like a gigantic bubble bath. haha Well, save for the water. Like the one I went to. They had fog that smelled like cotton candy and as soon as it faded away in came the bubbles. They had so much foam that when we left it was out in the street. hehe
     
    #9 A Seraphim Moon, Jun 2, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2016
  10. yuanzi

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    - A Seraphim Moon. Thank you for all the encouragement. I do hope I can make it inside and at least get a drink or two. This is the closest thing to a gay bar that my city has, so I am not worried that nobody will show. It will probably be packed actually.

    - greenandsalmon. First of all, your user name makes me want to change mine to friedicecream if it is not already taken lol. Secondly, do you have any regular local lgbt event you can go to? It is certainly more difficult for smaller cities but if you have a car maybe you can drive to nearby cities? Don't feel bad for not going yesterday, I chicken out on stuff way lamer, such as going to the restaurants by myself :slight_smile:
     
  11. Randy

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    Go! You will not regret it. I had my first gay club experience this past summer. I ended up texting my friend and he was all "we're going to S4 tonight, wanna come?" I thought I would end up regretting it, but I know I would regretted it more if I did not go. So I ended up saying yes. Now for the first two hours or so, I ended up kind of regretting it because I am not that much of a dancer and I ended up finding a table on the side sit back and observe. This couple approached me and wondered why I wasn't out there dancing and all til my friend noticed where I was and dragged me out on the dance floor. After resisting so many times, he kissed me as a "I'll give you a kiss and come dance with me. So I did, and he was like "stand here and I'll do all the work." Anyway, we adjourned to the sitting area in which I started having fun. I found out, like I always known, a non-stressful environment is essential for me to start being comfortable around others. So we sat down and we found people to talk to. And that night, I found out that gay bars/clubs aren't scary at all. They cater to both that enjoys being around people and love to dance, and to those who just want to sit down and talk in a calm environment.

    So, yeah. Like others said, go out and have fun. You'll probably regret it more if you don't go. And be assertive. If other guys try to ask you to do something you don't wanna do, just say, "I'm not comfortable. Or thanks for the offer but I just came here for FLAME night"
     
  12. A Seraphim Moon

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    Yuanzi~:slight_smile: You are very welcome! If there were any in my area, where I live now, I'd have to go just for the simple fact I've been encouraging you! :icon_wink So, I might be on the other end of this conversation one day. But, I won't lie... I can't bring myself to go to restaurants alone either! haha Now I'm beginning to reconsider the option of eating alone!

    I wish you good luck on your adventure~in whatever way you decide! :slight_smile:
     
    #12 A Seraphim Moon, Jun 2, 2016
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  13. thrashgal

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    i used to go to bars by myself all the time, i quit drinking almost a month ago now but yea, i only really went by myself, just go have a few loosen up and mingle..if they have a jukebox i recommend a band called slightly stoopid song-officer is uplifting and mellow at the same time...fuk it, just be safe, and dont trust your wallet or belongings or even drinks to anybody meanwhile u go pee or sumthing haha...trust me, been there done that...luckily i never was drugged but i did loose a few wallets..:rolleyes: ahh bar life, i remember u...kinda glad im sober now tho and surprised im alive really...which reminds me, dont drive....a d.u.i is hella pricey now a days and it stays on ur record for years, it suuuuux....
     
  14. OnTheHighway

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    When I go, I usually just order a sparkling water!
     
  15. yuanzi

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    Thanks for all the replies! I did go yesterday and it was nice! It was mostly guys as I expected and most of the girls showed up with their dates/partners but that's okay. People were very friendly and I ended up staying through the whole thing.

    -OnTheHighway and thrashgal, I did not get wasted and my wallet is still with me :slight_smile: nowadays I try my best not to engage in stupid bar behaviors (drinking competition, trusting strangers etc). I am too old for that lol

    -Randy, that was a nice experience! The bars around me are usually way too crowded and loud for sitting down and talking unless you go on a Monday night. I have been to gay bars/nights for about 5 times in total but many people did seem to go out of their ways to make me feel comfortable so that's really nice.

    -A Seraphim Moon. I did not live up to your expectations but at least I went :slight_smile: I actually spent most of the night playing Jenga game with a girl (she is straight I think?) and her gay friend because most other people were surrounded by their friends. It turned out that the girl and I volunteer for the same spca in town so we also spent a lot of time comparing pics of fluffy. I probably should work on how to get people's numbers lol. One step at a time indeed!