I don't even know if it's possible, but I think I'm falling deeper into the closet than I already am. Back to where I once was, if not farther. To bring things up to speed, I've recently accepted the fact that I'm gay, and was working towards going forward with this new step in my life. I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden I have seemed to have taken a BIG step back. I'm avoiding the normal workings in my head about how I'm going to break it to people and the various ways they may or may not react. Altogether, I'm just avoiding the whole subject internally. I haven't been on EC for days in this effort too. Now that I'm on here again, I've noticed how differently I feel now than I did before, with thoughts like, "Why am I here? I don't need this, everything is fine!" All things I've told myself before when trying to avoid what I know in my heart is the truth. I've been considering therapy, but to be honest, I've never done it before, nor have I met anyone who has, so I don't really know where to begin. Anyone with any good advice is welcome, because honestly, this is scaring me. I don't want to fall back into my self denial and lose ten or more years of a life that I could have been living because of fear that I really don't know how to face. Thanks! Kyboan P.S. :bang: <-----that's a pretty good representation of how I feel right now
I don't think I am going backwards but most of the days I don't feel motivated to come out when I don't have a crush on a girl. In my case, all my close friends already know. People I work with could not care less as long as I do good work. My family will give me hell if I ever come out to them. I can't help but wondering what's the point to further come out when I am single and will probably be single for the near future. So what is your incentive to come out? Do you think you will feel better, or are you afraid you will feel worse for nothing?
Option 2, Living as straight hasn't exactly been awful. My wife is great and I love my son, but it always felt like something was missing and I couldn't place exactly what. Now that I've reached a point where I know myself what that missing piece has been, I find myself afraid of giving up a good thing for a bad thing. I may be alone and isolated because I've chased all my family and friends away with the truth but at least I'm not living a lie anymore. To me, that doesn't sound like a great option. So yeah, I'm afraid I'll feel worse for nothing at all.
No that does not sound like a great option. But our hearts do funny things. I think most of the time deep down we already know what we actually want even if it sounds too risky to be worth it. Maybe you can try imagining the worst case scenario if you come out? You probably already did (losing family, friends, taking forever to find the right person for you). Then maybe you can start making plans to reduce the impact (look into financial and custody arrangement if you end up with a divorce, build up supportive/sympathetic friend circles that might come handy later). I know it all sounds a little empty and honestly your situation is a lot more complicated than mine
