Stuck in Place

So to start off, my whole life I've never really had like any confidence, really I have a negative amount of confidence, meaning like 100 points below. And on top of that really bad anxiety problems, depression problems, and nervousness problems.

I'm turning 28 in 2 weeks, and I have never been in a relationship of any kind because I've always been to much of a coward to ask, or tell anyone that I would like to, may like them. I've barely had any friends, currently I have none, unless you count two or so I only know online that I talk to every so often. Not a lot.

My parent's got divorced in 2004, and I went to live with my dad, because I preferred him at the time, now I don't like either of my parents, my mom is, well, I'm not sure crazy bitch is a good description. Manipulative maybe, though not like super so, but still. I actually spent 40 dollars last christmas for her, and I got a ten dollar bill from her. Yay.

As for my dad, like I said, I used to prefer him, but now, for a few years now I honestly can't stand him anymore. We have absolutely nothing in c'mon, he doesn't care about anything I do, and he is a very horrible parent. When I say that I mean things a parent should do or notice, nothing. No matter how horrid I feel on particularly bad days, he can never tell, or if he does he doesn't bother to ask me anything. And when he does ask me something about how I've been feeling lately, and I maybe tell him not so good, the only thing he has to say is you need to get your meds adjusted again, he doesn't ask what might be bothering me.

So, this is a key thing to know, back when I was eighteen, well, I have aspergers, and really it's hardly anything, but my parent's decided to see if I could get Social security disability. And at the time I was all for it, money every month for doing nothing, yes please.

Now though it's 10 years later, and other then 400 dollars cash, all my money is controlled by my father, now I have a debit card for the account, but it's in his name, so I can only use it online. And I'm not allowed to have anything in my name or they'll cancel the SS, and take all the money in the account back, which I can't believe they could do, but apparently they can.

So as I said, been living with him 10 years. And during this time, and even before, me speaking my mind hardly ever goes well. At school it would get me bullied constantly, and at home it would often get my dad mad. Even if it was something not even that big a deal, like my feelings on something stupid I read, he still could get upset. And he says he's not mad a good amount of the time, but his voice, it's not so loud, but over time I've gotten shit scared of it till the point now where I barely talk at all, cause it seems every time I try to about anything other then what we're watching on tv he gets mad.

Now, I have never been able to tell anyone I know anything important, like I said I have anxiety, nervousness, all that crap, and then compounding on years of hiding things for fear of it upsetting someone, or having them think, I dunno, something.

And anyway, around a year ago I started to realize I was trans, which sometimes still comes as a major surprise to me, and I doubt it constantly, I mean there's hardly anything at all about me that's girly, hell, I hate girly, and I hardly ever shave, though that's mostly because I've never really felt I looked good so who cares.

But yeah, started to realize that. And after a few months, one night me and my dad were in the kitchen, he was making dinner, I was just sitting there, and I don't even know how, but somehow I actually managed to tell him I thought I might be trans. And well we barely said anything during that, he didn't really seem to care in all honesty, and when I say that I don't mean going, oh that's fine if it's who you are, I mean didn't even seem interested in what I was trying to say, though he was a bit confused, and at one point he said how he knows I like girls, and I said I still did. And that was that.

Several weeks went by then, and we hadn't talked about it again once, so finally I worked up the courage to try and bring it up again, and asked him if he remembered what we talked about that day in the kitchen.. And he didn't.

Now, my dad can be forgetful of things from time to time, but what kind of father who cares can forget their child telling them something like that? Even if the conversation only lasted a few minutes, it should be something you remember. And the fact that he didn't basically broke my confidence to continue the conversation to shreds, though as this was happening I'd still been trying to remind him, and when he finally did remember, I was an idiot, and as I said, coward, and told him I'd been wrong and it was just my depression making me feel things that weren't true. And I don't remember what he said then, either Right, or Okay, or I thought so, I dunno.

And since then things have not gotten better for me. I am absolutely so flooded with fear of telling anyone now, even my freaking therapist, and it's not fear of hatred or any of that, I have no idea how they'd react, could be positive for all I know, but just the very thought of going through it all around them with them knowing, paralyzes me.

Then there's the fact that I can't stand it here any more, my twenties were basically wasted being stuck here with him and no life. And I so badly would like to come out, move, any of it, and I just can't, and I can't think about doing so to much, as if I do I get more and more depressed about the fact that I just can't, until I reach the point I honestly want to kill myself, or wishing that something would happen to him when he's out one day, which makes me feel awful, because my dad isn't completely horrid, he's friendly, but he just, he sucks at being a father and I do not feel comfortable telling him anything.

I wish I could just cut them all out of my life, move far away and never see them again and transition and everything, finally have a life. Because I have no connection really to any member of my family. But then there's the nervs and anxiety again, how could I possibly do that, like seriously, how do you do that? I can't say that, I can't go up to them and say that because who knows what might happen and I just.

My uncle did the same thing, though for completely horrible reasons, his crazy wife forced him to, and now everyone hates him, and they haven't spoken in 20 years. And I don't care if I never speak to them again, or if they hate me, but just the thought of doing it, especially with how it went then.

Sometimes I fantasize about taking whats important to me and just leaving one day when no ones home.. But I don't think that's a good idea, to many problems that way I'm guessing. Plus how can I move out when he controls all my money.

So anyway, here I am, unable to bring myself to come out, unable to move out, kinda misrable at all times with no life and not living the life I wish I could. And the only thing I can honestly see happening is I stay here till he dies, and then finally get my own life in my fucking late 50's... yay..

I dunno if this is even the right section for this, or if I even got everything down that I meant to, and honestly I doubt anyone could possibly ever help me. But I needed to get this all down somewhere...

EDIT: Oh, also, when it comes to things on tv and various media, I am so upset about how they keep killing off gay female characters, and I try and talk about it with him, or I'm just reading something about it, and my dad makes it out to be a joke, a really horrid one which I sometimes think he's serious about, "They want all the gay women dead."