I Hate My Crush

If you talk to me for five minutes, you'll hear me say it: I hate my crush. Weird, I know, but, after all, she's turned into a total bitch. Backed up the girls who bully me. Refused to vouch for me when the girl who told me to hang myself could've gotten in trouble. She's done a lot of really mean things over the past few years that have all just... Added up. All in all, it shouldn't sound like I like her.

And I don't. I positively hate her.

But I'm infatuated by the idea of her paired with her physical appearance. She wasn't always a jerk - she was once just a sweet, young girl batting her wide blue eyes at me and being sweeter than anything else on the planet. We were once good friends. The idea of what we once had - that connection - is stuck in my mind, and I always wished it would go to a romantic level. Where we could be more than just kids in love. So, I conjured up this mental image of what we could be and practically became attracted to it as opposed to her. She just embodied the dream, if it made sense.

It was like she could be my dream girl if she didn't hate me. (Yes, her hatred of me is complicated. All in all, I don't want to go into details, but we aren't on a friendly basis anymore.) She just... Can't.

And I'm physically attracted to her. It's undeniable. That's why I realized that I actually had romantic feelings towards her as opposed to just friendly feelings, after all. Heck, I thought everyone had these thoughts until I started actually realizing that I found her more than just "pretty" and had thoughts my straight friends were not having. She was... Wow. I couldn't help but fall for her.

But I hate her for what she's done to me. Perhaps hate is a strong word - I very strongly dislike her. It makes me more depressed than angry, as I am so caught up in this dream I've conjured up of her. Not only am I worried that this isn't normal, but I just want to know how I can stop liking her and what to do since it's reached a point where liking her is rather toxic. It tears me up inside and nothing could ever happen. She even knows I like her and acknowledges it openly. It doesn't phase her - she just continues to hate me and I continue to hate her.

Ugh... Does this even make sense? Just... What do I do? Is it normal to feel this way? How do I stop? Please help me out here.