I am extremely confused. I came out a few months ago as gay after spending many years building my identity as a conservative Catholic and although I wouldn't say homophobic things in public, I would frequently voice my opposition to the gay lifestyle in private with my family. My core group of friends have always been largely liberal and pro-gay. However, for some reason it was my homophobic neighbors who I identified more with. They would frequently call each other the homophobic F word and say other anti-gay stuff all the time. I would never use homophobic slurs, but I would go along with some of their other homophobic statements. It's weird because even though my neighbors were unknowingly repressing my homosexuality, I actually liked their other traits. I liked watching sports and playing video games with them, and I liked giving each other a hard time. You know, being "one of the guys." With my core group of liberal friends, I often felt emasculated. They would frequently refer to me as being socially awkward and scared of girls. But when I was with my neighbors, I would act more macho and have a more devil-may-care attitude and I felt better about myself in that environment. It's very confusing for me because now that I'm out, I'm obviously pro-gay and bitter about the fact that my neighbors unknowingly repressed my sexuality. However, I just don't identify with gay culture and the often hyper-liberal views of the gay community. I am someone who hates being a victim. I have every reason to view myself as a victim based on the horrible homophobia that dogged me throughout my life, but I refuse to be chronically offended. It's not in my nature and it makes me depressed to be honest. I am not trying to belittle the terrible experiences of people who have endured homophobia. I'm just at the point now where I want to forget about the past homophobia and move on. And I'm finding that the more I engage with the gay community, the more victimized and hopeless I feel about my situation and I hate it. I want to feel confident and macho and all the things that I think I've really been all this time even though I've been putting on this awkward, weakling persona to people out of fear that they would find out that I was gay. I might come off as a jerk who's just in denial about being gay, but that's not it. I just always thought that because I was gay, I couldn't be a guy's guy, but I think that's what I truly want to be. And I really don't think it's about denial. Can anyone relate to this? I feel pretty alone in this. I'm building my new persona, the one that's been hidden all this time, and it's really, really tough!
Here is the American Psychological Association definition of homosexuality: You'll notice that there is no mention in this quote, none whatsoever about activities related to gay culture, or about the level of "manliness" that they may or may not have. In other words, being who you are means being who you are: a guy who prefers guys and who likes doing "guy things". I agree with you that life is often a performance (or "persona"), that we act who we think we are...so best to change who you think gay guys are and just be who you think you should be, no use going from one closet to another. Be yourself!
I am right there with you and get where you are coming from. Coming from the same conservative Catholic background I struggle with the persona crisis as well. But just because we are gay doesn't mean we have to ascribe to a label and "fit in" with all political or philosophical stereotypes. For instance what does sexual orientation have to do with beliefs regarding, school choice, national defense, the 2nd amendment or the views on tax policy?...... nothing really or liking football or being a guys guy etc.... nothing. As GW said lets focus on being ourselves and not walk in to another closet. We are a "this" or a "that" who happens to be gay; we don't need to jump in a box and change everything. Rather than feeling victimized lets lead. I've witnessed plenty of homophobes across the entire political spectrum; they're not just conservative. Homophobia among conservatives will eventually diminish as people learn and understand just as we have had to fight our own internalized homophobia. We all fear what we don't know and people will have to reconcile the fact that this great guy they've known forever is now gay. It doesn't change who we are deep down.
I was raised a conservative Jehovah's witness. I believe most of what i have been taught, but not all, i feel more free loving than most everyone i know, and so i really dont fit in, being gay, really making me want to break out of the box because i like being me, and most people i know try to suppress who I am:-( I'm still working at figuring out who I want to be
So you're not the stereotypical gay, neither am I. And I'm pretty sure there's many others like us. So far as I'm concerned, who cares! Just be you. It's easier than trying to fit into a mold that doesn't feel comfortable.
