Er... confused and sort of a rant. Help needed.

So this has been on my mind lately. The reason I stopped going on here was because I was starting to get confused and scared. I thought I was Transgender, I thought I was Bigender, I thought I was Genderfluid, etc. It started to confuse me and scare me, so I stopped. But now that I'm back on here, it feels so exciting. I liked trying to be someone I wasn't. I liked trying to be a boy. I liked the feeling that came with it. I liked getting new clothes and thinking about getting a binder and trying to see if I felt Dysphoria. I liked the feeling. And for some reason when I came back on here today, those feelings rushed back. I wanted to do what I did a few months ago again. I just recently started wearing girl clothes these past few month after all of that ended. I started to not care about my identity anymore. So I guess what I'm saying is that I have thrill when it comes to trying to find my identity. Now I'm more like "Who cares about labels???!". But looking at posts of people thinking they are transgender or lesbian is making me want to question myself again. It's like my mind, my heart thrives for it. But the thing is, when I was in that state I was depressed. Or at least I thought I was depressed. I was in a bad place. And knowing me, my mind and heart thrives for darkness. I've finally gotten out of it and I don't want to sink back into it, but it's so addicting. I never said this to anyone, because I thought this community would hate me for it.

Since I've thought about this and have decided it was all a phase, I'm questioning my sexuality again. All I know is that I like both genders, maybe even more than that. I'm just.... confused again.​

 

The thing I'm worried about is that what I'll do is going to be doing a 'trend'. You know how it was a 'trend' to be Bisexual to teens? So I feel like I'll only be doing it because it's 'cool' or 'fun'. Plus, back then I felt something that scared me. It was so terrible that I just stopped coming on. I loved the feeling though. I don't know if what I felt was necessarily... right, but it was fun getting new clothes and a new identity.

So I feel like if I do it again, I'll make this community mad and also because I don't want to have that same feeling anymore. It was the worst feeling I've ever had in my life, but for some reason my mind goes straight for it again. It was exciting, but it made my anxiety levels go up high. I think back then I had difficulty with sleeping. I've realized that since I got out of it, I've been having less anxiety about the dark and other stupid things. I feel that if I go back, my anxiety will rise again and that this time maybe I won't be able to pull myself out.​