WARNING: This includes sexual stuff, so don't read if you don't want to. Hey everyone, I am out to many more people than I was just a few months ago. However, this is definitely something I don't feel comfortable talking about with anyone in my life, so I am coming to all of you. I have been a virgin for 20 years. Just a few weeks ago, I had my first kiss ever with a guy. Today, I spontaneously decided I was going to go online to get a "gay massage." I did it once before about 2 years ago, but it only involved touching and there wasn't really much guilt associated with it - it was an erotic massage with nothing more involved. So, I made the decision I would get one today. I saved up $200 for the whole thing, so that was my set limit. I messaged a guy who looked like my "guilty fantasy" (another words guilty pleasure). I imagine myself marrying someone pretty clean cut, but I have always found big, hairy, and a little older men very attractive (sorry if TMI). I asked if we could meet at 6PM and he said "massage or full service session." A full service session obviously included ANYTHING, but it would be $225. I was tempted, but told him I would stick to the $160 massage. So, I get there and he does the massage. He sits on my back and gives the massage and I notice this is going to be much different than my last one. After 5 minutes, he then puts his private area in front of my face and says "You want?" I was dumb and went for it. I don't totally hate myself for this because I am a gay guy - if someone I am attracted to is in front of me and I'm tempted, I'm going to go for it. Anyways, the rest of the time ended up being unenjoyable for myself. We did some stuff (didn't do anal I will say), but he was just very aggressive and dominant and I learned that is something I really don't like. The kissing was like slobbering, I didn't realize how hard it was to kiss someone with a beard, he must have not showered because his body odors were "natural" but I was not a fan, and his breath tasted like coleslaw. Yeah, not enjoyable at all for myself. After about 35 minutes I think he noticed I wasn't really into it and asked if I wanted him to stop - and I said yes. He offered me to shower, I did, we talked a little, then I paid and it was over. However, I can't stop thinking about the fact I did this. I lost some form of my virginity with a random guy - I had a feeling it would happen this way since I have been tempted for a while, but I'm just disappointed in myself. The experience was not enjoyable and I just feel really guilty for going through with this. Even worse, this 35-minute session which was supposed to last me an hour, cost me $225 dollars. He didn't not lower the price because the time was shorter or the fact we didn't go "all" the way - I understand he is running a business, but you think he would be a little more compassionate. I don't know, I just didn't like how it was handled money wise. I expected to only spend $160, so he saw me sifting through my money trying to scrape together $225 and he didn't really say anything. I feel like his whole plan was to tempt me just so I could pay him more. Overall, the money isn't a huge deal even though it does bother me. I'm so mad at myself for putting myself in that situation. I was a virgin for 20 years and I lost it to a guy I barely know and the experience was not enjoyable. I deleted all my dating apps because I just really need a break from guys after this - I kind of just feel gross honestly. I could use some help on how to move on from this? I just can't believe the fact I'll have to tell guys this is my first time and I'll have to remember this as my first time. Sorry for the long post, but please just help me out with this.
I know it's hard -- but try not to think too much of it. You are not "dirty" in any way. You tried, you didn't like it. You'll have better experiences. I have had experiences with guys I didn't really like and it can be pretty uncomfortable indeed. Yet, for every bad experience there are lots of good, fulfilling experiences -- even if it's just sex. Regarding the having to tell guys about it -- why? It doesn't really count. And even if you had done "everything" with the guy, I didn't tell all the guys I've had sex with about my first time. My current boyfriend has an idea of it (as I do of his) but we haven't shared details even though we're pretty open with each other. You can keep it to yourself if you don't want to tell.
You don't have to tell anyone. It's you're business and you're business alone. You'd be surprised--a lot of people have had experiences similar to yours. You just don't hear about them because they keep them private. Just relax and go with the flow. Maybe try to find a like-minded guy by (carefully) networking?
I am still a virgin myself, so I know what you are going through... All of the guys I've talked to about this said that after the first time you always feel gross and disgusted. You wish it never happened, you feel guilty, you want to shut it out etc. But then after a while (a few days or a week or two) they felt a relief, a sudden feeling of "well nothing actually happened". They realize that it was all in their head and that the experience was just an experience, like trying ice cream for the first time... Concerning your particular experience I can only sympathize. You should be very happy with yourself! Why? Well because you brought a fantasy into real life and you faced it. Having the thoughts in your head make you go mad, but this way your mind can't wander and be anxious because it has a real experience to deal with, and not the imaginary ones. Meaning that you realized that the whole "dominant, bearded" type we saw on porn and in our heads is quite different in reality. The beard is not comfortable, the men usually smell differently etc. I was always attracted to chubby, bearded men, but once I met with one in person my taste changed completely! I realize that the "bear" stereotype is not attractive at all, they are fat and smelly and not attractive. So suddenly I caught myself fantasizing and falling for more "dreamy", "princely" guys, younger, thinner, blonder, lighter features... The exact opposite of the bears I dreamed of before...
