So I'm pretty sure I've determined that the guy I've been enamoured with for the last few months is a big time player. I'm looking for advice on how to address it with him. Now, we aren't in a relationship we're just good friends (or so I thought until now) who have hooked up and I know that's my first problem. We're a trick. So it really shouldn't bother me that much or at all but it does. Basically, he shows the classic push/pull scenarios. For example, we texted back and forth throughout the day for almost an entire week last week and then since Sunday I can't get him to respond to any of my texts or calls. During the time we were texting he was very involved, making me feel like he enjoys talking to me and all that jazz (again classic for a charmer). He's done this once before and there have been several times where we have made plans and something comes up on his end (either stuck at work or gets home late or is too tired etc etc). And no I'm not just being overcritical, there have been times where we make plans and then I've heard that he was actually out doing something else but he doesn't bother to cancel or let me know that he can't make it. Another example: We had plans to go out last friday. He said he got of work an hour later than planned and wanted to go home and take a quick nap (this was around 8pm). I called him around 945 to see if he still wanted to go out and he didn't answer. I decided to drive to his house since we had originally planned on meeting there around 10-1030 anyway and he wasn't home. No cancellation, didn't answer my phone call and then wasn't home napping like he said he was. The next morning, he texted me around 9am saying "I just woke up" which is clearly a lie since he wasn't even home the night before. Just to give you an idea of what he does I guess. I've learned from a mutual friend that he has done this to guys in the past and at one point a long time ago he was juggling 2 or 3 guys at the same time and when he was approached, he got really offended and denied everything and it almost ended the friendship completely. I guess the obvious answer is to cut things off completely and forget about him but I'm not sure I'm at a point where I can do that. Have any of you guys had experience with something like this? Have you ever confronted the person successfully? I'm pretty sure if I bring this up he's going to explode like he did in the past and probably blame me or make me feel like it's somehow my fault or something (again, which is basically what a charmer would do). Honestly I'd like to give him a taste of his own medicine but I know I'll lose that fight because he has more experience doing it. And to be honest, I gain nothing if I become the same type of person he is so while I'd like him to experience what I have been feeling, it's not a good idea to try I know.
I, as a charmer/player, recommend you to run tf away. It will only get harder for you, and certainly at the end he will blame you for everything. Don't seek revenge because he probably doesn't give a what. It'll be hard if you are into him, but move on before it gets worse. A girl once did that to me, she said "I'm falling too hard for you but you are not worth it, you are going to hurt me and I can't anymore. Bye" It hit me harder than I expected and it kinda hurt. So do the same I guess? I don't know.
I have a cousin who does this to women. He'll talk to them for a while..then pull away. Talk to them for a while then pull away. Then he'll make plans with them then last minute he'll cancel it. Even when the girl has reached out 48 hours before the planned time and asked if it is still on. He never answers. The girl has to harass him and he comes up with stupid shit. Oh i got busy at work, oh my car is messed up, I have to see my family, etc. The hardcore fact is...he has a girlfriend of many years. I am not sure if she is aware of what he is doing (I am doubtful that she is oblivious to it.) Also in addition he makes up lies about her... she is abusive, we always fight, or some other crap. He has been dating her since high school and he is now 29. In addition the last girl he ran around he lied to her about his last name. When he got the easiest last name from his father I mean it is the most common name verse his other side of the family (me) who has only 7 members in america with that last name. The girl caught on and found him easily. If I was you run far far away. There is a reason he is canceling last minute on you and being flaky. He either has a significant other for many years or he takes the best offer. Alternatively he may get pleasure out of doing this to people...in the end it being a player always equate to abusive behavior to me personally. RUN RUN RUN RUN FAR AWAY...don't get involved because if you let this drag on this guy is going to ruin your trust and create a block for you to get intimately close to people which will take a lot of work for you personally to remove it. There is someone better out there for you that holds the same ideal of what a relationship should be structured like.
I agree with Daniela and seeking, it is best to just let him go. After all, he does not sound like a very nice or considerate person to begin with and also not someone that you should want to be involved with in the first place judging his actions. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who is deserving of your attention. I know you said you probably aren't at the point yet to cut him off, but I don't really see what you could be gaining by keeping this going and being ignored/stood up all the time? Bringing it to his attention more than likely won't do much good and he might get upset as you said, or apologize and make up excuses but keep doing the same stuff in the end.
Also people like this their apology is almost always empty. There is a reason they are doing this and more times than not it is mixed in with some unhealthy mentality (even some are honestly mentally ill.) They usually see lowly of you or They honestly get some pleasure out of it. They might very well be sadistic. The recent girl my cousin did this too. She message him and just respectfully ended it. She said something like "I am not getting what I want from you and if you can't give me what I am looking for. This is not for me. Bye." If the person truly likes you they will call to that challenge and try to impress you. But, these cheaters/manipulators/players don't have the 'balls' to call the challenge. If they do call the challenge...I don't think it is worth it. Having these type of issues this early in the relationship is a sign that this will not work out and this is a habit of his. You are not the man who is going to change for you and don't bother trying. If this was like you were with him for 7 years.. he never done this type of thing before I would say give it a try. But, with these issues present this early is a sign that this relationship has a fate for disappointment and it's not because of you. If he truly wanted to change he would have already been working on changing and going to therapy. He likes the way his life is. The question you should really be asking is, "If he is truly this way why isn't he just being honest and looking for an open/poly relationship?" It is because he enjoys doing this to people or there are some deeper issues that is not your problem to fix. Move on and find happiness. He has a history of such behavior.
Have been here before myself,He will not give you what you want or need so move on, even though the attachment is painful. I obsessed about a guy for years who was a real player. I joined the same theatre group as him and totally ignored him, it helped. We did eventually hook up again - I wanted to see if I felt anything for him which I didn't. I also confronted him about his boyfriend/ relationship afterwards so it was good closure.
I agree with everything that's been said. Here's something else to think about: The fact that you're even considering staying with this guy is a pretty strong indication that you have, consciously or unconsciously, a belief going on that you aren't worthy of someone better. An emotionally healthy person with a strong sense of worthiness would not stick around to be treated this way. I don't say that to upset you or devalue you, but simply to give you something to think about since very often these things reside in the background until somethign happens that brings our attention to them. As soon as you start thinking about and paying attention to this, it will start to change for you, and you'll find yourself attracted to healthier guys. And that, ultimately, is (hopefully) what you're after.
